Thankfulness

Since it's about to be Thanksgiving I decided I would write about things that I am thankful for as we have gone through this part of our journey. Like I have said before, this part of our journey has been really, really hard for Heath and me, but even in the hard times we have much to be thankful for.

1. The gospel. I seriously don't know how people who aren't Christians can face infertility. I have needed to be reminded of the gospel so much in the last few months. To see how God provided for my greatest need in salvation, leads me to know He is providing for me now. To see how in a seemingly hopeless situation I have hope because of Christ is unbelievably comforting to me. I could go on and on but you get the drift.

2. Heath. I am so thankful to have a husband who loves me and supports me through this. Heath lets me cry, lets me be angry, lets me feel every emotion I have yet he continue to leads me back to truth. He prays for me and for us. Every night when he prays he asks God for babies. He shares God's word with me and pushes me to believe it. He loves me and tells me often. I won't bore you with it all but I am unbelievably privileged to be married to him.

3. Our families. We didn't tell our families for a long time what was going on (maybe later I'll post our reasons for that). When we did tell them they were so supportive of us. They continually ask us how it is going, ask us how we are doing, encourage us and just back us 100%. We are so thankful to have our families and to have their support.

4. Kari. As I mentioned in my first post moving to West Lafayette wasn't super easy for me, but God has provided a sweet friendship for me with Kari. Words cannot express how thankful I am for her. Our lives are pretty much identical-we both were on staff with CO for a while before we got married, we both moved here from the south, we both were friendless (for the most part) when we moved here, we got married within months of each other and were both still in college ministry when we met. Suffice it to say God provided for me in her. Through this season of my life she has listened to me, offered advice, pointed me to truth, prayed for me, texted me before and after almost every doctors visit, watched me "ugly cry" and has just supported me in ways I probably don't even know. I am beyond thankful for her friendship.

5. My small group girls (both new and old). These women have heard about our struggle with infertility for a long time. They have stood beside me and prayed for me. They have encouraged me and let me cry with them. They have invited me over to eat chocolate and cry! They have listened to me week after week describe my struggles and have let me struggle through it (in a good way). I am so thankful to have friendships with women who let me be me. Again, I don't think words can describe how thankful I am.

6. Our church. Kossuth Street Baptist Church is an unbelievable body of believers who love God and His word and strive to live in light of those two things. It is one of the main reasons we didn't want to leave West Lafayette. As we have gone through this struggle we have been surrounded by a body of believers who, although they don't know us that well, have come alongside us and are fighting this with us. We are also so thankful for Pastor Whipple's teaching each week that points us back to truth and encourages us to trust God.

7. Praying friends. We have lots of them! For a long time I would send out Facebook messages to my friends to update them on what was going on and how they could pray. Through those months I was continually receiving messages telling me they were praying for me and I could tell. I am so thankful for that group of women, as well as many others now that the news is more public, who have lifted Heath and me up in prayer.

This is a small list of things I am thankful for during this season. I know there are many more things to be thankful for and there is no doubt I left A LOT of things out. We are thankful. We are thankful that God is leading us on this journey and for the people He has placed around us on this part of our beautiful journey.

Truth vs. Feelings

The battle between the truth of God and my feelings has been one of the biggest battles I have faced throughout this process. I know the truth of God-He is good, He is faithful, He is kind and so much more. But in this season it has been hard for me to feel like He is being good to me or faithful to me or kind to me. I know God never forsakes me, but I feel forsaken. I know God hears my prayers, but I don't feel like He does. Sometimes I just feel like "God, where are you?"I don't feel like He is present.

I get so frustrated with myself because I know I should believe the truth. but it's just so hard for me sometimes. I have come to the point where I am okay with struggling with these things. In fact, I think it's good for me to struggle through these things. I see how God is using my questioning of His character to strengthen my walk with him. I am really having to "go there" in my heart and see where the unbelief lies. I feel like the man in the gospel accounts who said "I believe but help my unbelief." I believe those things to be true about God, but in my day to day life there is so much unbelief.

One Sunday in church we were singing "Great is Thy Faithfulness" and I just couldn't sing it. I didn't feel like God's faithfulness to me was great. That's when I remembered a quote from one of my favorite author's C.J. Mahaney. (Just a quick side note- I love C.J. Mahaney. I even have my picture with him! I have learned SO much from his books and his sermons. I am so thankful for his life. If you have never read anything by him, you should. If you live near me I'll even let you borrow my books!) Anyway, back to the point, in his book Living the Cross Centered Life he has a chapter titled "what I feel vs. what is real" Oh my has this chapter changed my thinking! He says when we encounter a verse or a truth about God our first question shouldn't be how do I feel about this, but is it true? So that day as I was sitting in church I was encountered with that question. I had to ask myself is this true? Is His faithfulness great? The answer in my mind was immediate-yes. Regardless of how I felt it didn't change the truth that God is faithful and His faithfulness is great. His faithfulness to me is great.

So I guess my point is, I will probably continue to struggle with this very issue as I continue along in this journey, but at the end of the day my prayer is that I will always be brought back to the truth and that no matter how I feel, I will cling to what is real. And what is real? God is good, He is faithful, He is kind, He has not forsaken me, He hears my prayers, He is ever-present, this list could go on forever. No matter where this journey takes me, the truth about Him never changes and I am going to hold fast to that.

Good News at last!

Well we got a bit of good news this past week. After 2 months of going to the doctor every week and hearing mostly bad news, this good news was gratefully welcomed! Heath went to the doctor last Thursday and his MRI came back clear!! Yay!! So what that means is that nothing is blocking his pituitary gland, it's just not doing what it is suppose to be doing (in our case producing enough testosterone). The doctor prescribed some medicine and over the next few months we will regulate it. That means he takes the medicine and in a month he goes back to see where his testosterone level is. If it's okay then he continues on that amount of medicine. If not, they up the amount he takes...and so on and so on until they get his levels where they need to be. After that the doctor says we have just a good of a chance as anyone to get pregnant. We are SO thankful for this news. It was a welcome relief and we praise God for it.

We really are so thankful, but there is also this hint of "here we go again." It's been a looooong, hard, painful, sad...you get the drift....past 16 months (how long we have been trying). With this new medicine it's kind of like we are starting over. Some days I wonder if I can do this again. The thing that has been hardest for me over the last several months is the hope and the disappointment each month. Every month there is this sense of hope-maybe I'm pregnant-and every month when I wasn't there was an equal sense of disappointment. I don't care how long you've been trying to get pregnant whether it's one month or one year or even longer, it's just hard to be hopeful and then be disappointed. Part of me just wonders if I can keep going. Two nights ago Heath and I were talking and he said "honestly some days I just want to give up." My thoughts exactly. We aren't going to give up and we are going to continue to try to get pregnant, but most days I just want to give up. Like I said in the last post, it's just hard. I have been praying that God will just pour out His grace on Heath and me and that we will "set our minds on things above and not on things of this earth" (Col. 3:2)

Another thing that has been hard is for me to really trust God. I don't even know (in this situation) what that looks like to be honest. I have been trusting God for 16 months and He hasn't done it, and there is no promise that He ever will. It's not that I think God can't do it because He can. He is powerful and sovereign and He can do whatever He wants. So my issue isn't that I think He can't, I just wonder if He will. It may not be God's will for Heath and I to have biological children. I think I'm okay with that and would happily raise a child that I didn't give birth to, but can I handle the next several months of hope and disappointment (if that's what God has for us, He may allow us to get pregnant right away)? So you see I need so much grace! I know this post is jumbled but so are my thoughts at this point in the journey.

Let me say this to close, just because I'm a jumbled mess and I don't know what to think or how to trust or if I can make it through another season of hope and disappointment, we are beyond thankful for the good news we got. It helps us be hopeful-not that we hope in medicine or what the doctor says, but our hope is that God will use the medicine and the wisdom He gave the doctor to allow us to get pregnant. I just don't want my jumbled thoughts to not point you to God. I will trust Him and even if we have to go through another long season of hope and disappoint He will get me through (His power is perfected in my weakness 2 Cor. 12:9) God is good and He is being good to us as we go along on our beautiful journey.

One word

 If I could describe infertility in one word it would be this: hard. I don't have the "spiritual" answer or even a pretty answer. The bottom line is that although we have learned a lot, it has been so hard. I say this because I want to be real. The truth is that it has been good and we can see God in this, but at the end of the day it's just hard and that's ok.

I remember several years ago a friend of mine passed away suddenly and I was beside myself. The only way I knew how to describe how I felt was "I'm not okay and that's okay." I feel like that again in some ways. "I'm not okay and that's okay" I cry-a lot (ask my poor husband), I get angry for no reason (bless Heath's heart) and a whole myriad of other emotions that some days I feel like I have absolutely no control over. And in some ways I'm okay with that. I think it's good for me to experience those emotions-if I didn't have them I don't know if I'd be human. I also think it's good for my relationship with God because I really have to "go there" with Him. I'm not trying to pretend. I don't want to pretend, this is just hard. I want a baby, I want to raise a family, I want to know what it's like to be pregnant and feel the baby kick, I want all those things so bad and the fact that I'm not experiencing any of it is just hard.

I think the thing about it too is that I have a monthly reminder that I am having problems getting pregnant. Every month right before I'm suppose to start I think "maybe the doctors are wrong" and I begin to wonder if maybe just maybe I am pregnant. Then the day comes. It starts with cramping and then I begin to feel like I getting fat and then I start. Every month, without fail, it is so disappointing. (I will say this though, now that we know something is wrong, it has been less disappointing. Still disappointing no doubt, just not as much) So every month I'm reminded that the thing I want so bad is still not happening for me.

One thing I love about my relationship with the Lord is that I feel totally freed up to be honest with Him. I tell Him when my heart hurts, when I'm so sad I don't know what to do with myself, when I'm angry at how this is all going, how I don't understand what He's doing. I tell Him all of it-He already knows so I might as well talk to Him about it. He lovingly leads me back to the truth and reminds me of who He is in the midst of this. He is good, faithful, righteous in all His ways, kind, loving and the list could go on forever. So even though this is so hard, God is right here with me leading me along. This is where He has me, this is where He has Heath...as we go along in this beautiful (hard in this season) journey.

Up to speed

Let me catch you all up to speed. I was going to kind of back track and fill you in on all the details of everything I've felt for the last few months, but I think I will just tell you the facts and then I may go back and fill in the details later (maybe!) This way I can post current updates and current feelings.

Just to let you know, Heath and I have decided to be very open with our journey so you're going to get the nitty gritty of it all!

September- We had been trying for about 13 months at this point. For the most part doctors tell you not to come in for fertility stuff until you have been trying for at least a year. So in Sept. I made an appt. with my OB/GYN. The first thing she did was order a semen analysis for Heath and she also put me on Clomid to make sure I could ovulate. My ovulation test came back fine. The semen analysis on the other hand did not come back fine. Heath has a low sperm count and very little motility (movement of the sperm). On a side note, I have never said the word semen or sperm as much as I have in the last two months!
The next step was for him to go see a urologist to see if there was something physically wrong. Thankfully there was nothing physically wrong. So the next step was another semen analysis and some blood work. We did another semen analysis to make sure the first one wasn't a fluke-it wasn't. Also, his blood work (at this point) came back normal. So we were referred to a fertility specialist in Indianapolis.

October- We went to the fertility specialist and honestly it wasn't what we were hoping for. We were under the impression that there was some type of medicine that could help improve the sperm count-we were wrong. Basically the doctor wanted to re-do all the tests we had already done here. We were less than thrilled about that idea. We did redo the blood test because apparently there are 6 things to check for in the blood and our doctor in Lafayette only checked for 3.
At this point our doctor told us if the blood tests came back normal then there was nothing he could do and our only option was Artificial Insemination or In-Vetero Fertilization. You can imagine our shock. We thought we were going to get a prescription and some helpful advice and we find out that potentially our only option was AI or in-vetero. After the doctor's appointment, Heath and I just sat in the car and cried for a long, long time. Both of those procedures are pretty expensive, not covered by health insurance and not super successful (a 10% chance of pregnancy with AI and a 40% chance with in-vetero). It was so discouraging for us.

November- It was actually late October we got a call from the doctor and said some of the blood work came back abnormal. It's the only time in your life (probably) that you want a test to come back abnormal! Heath's testosterone and estradiol are very low. The doctor said usually that means something is going on with the pituitary gland. So this past Tuesday Heath had a MRI to look at his pituitary gland and as I type is on his way to our fertility doctor to get the results and get treatment options.

So, we will go from here. We have no idea what our future holds, but we trust in a God who does. And again, we will follow Him wherever He leads our journey.