How we got here

So I'm going to go back and talk about how we got here for those just now reading the blog. Heath and I have been trying to get pregnant for about 20 months. After we had been trying a year with no pregnancy we went to the doctor. I figured nothing was wrong it was just taking us longer than most people. I was wrong. There was a problem. And so began the roller coaster of trying new medicines and getting them regulated.

All this time Heath and I had talked about adoption some but weren't really sure if that was what we wanted to do. In God's grace He put an adoption consultant in my Bible study group. I began talking to her some but we still weren't sure. Two weeks ago Heath and I met with her and her husband and asked a lot of questions. We decided to wait to decide about adoption until we had some other things figured out. The next day as we were talking about it though, it kind of came to a point where we were like "what are we waiting on?" If this is what God has called us to do then we can't ignore it-no matter what our circumstances are. So that night we decided it was time to proceed.

Later that week we got the word we were not hoping for. The medicine that we hoped was working, wasn't. In so many ways that news was devastating, but in God's goodness He had already led us to make the decision to adopt. Infertility has been hard-there's no denying it and I am very honest about it (this whole blog thus far has been about the ups and downs we have faced), but God has opened this door for us and we are excited to see what He has in store for us!

So what now? We have chosen to do a domestic adoption. Next week we will have our initial home study. When that's complete we will apply to agencies. From there we will do fundraising and be trusting God to provide a baby for us. We can't wait to be parents!

Let me say this to close, Heath and I both became Christians in college (Heath his freshman year, me my sophomore year). We both would have said we were Christians, but our lives told a much different story. Your life is a dead give away to what you really believe. In college we both realized we really were sinners and were in need of Jesus to be our Savior and Lord. It wasn't about "cleaning up" our lives, it was about Jesus. All that to say He is Lord over our infertility. We don't understand and have struggled at times, but He is Lord and we will trust Him. Please pray for us as we start down this road of adoption!

Adoption it is

That's right folks, Heath and I have decided to start the adoption process. AHHHH! Last Saturday we met with a friend of mine who is an adoption consultant. We both left feeling like we needed to seriously consider this option. We decided to hold off on making a decision until we made a few decisions on some other things. On Sunday, though, as we began to talk about it we realized that we need to just step out on faith and ask God to do this for us. We are going to be doing a domestic adoption. We are excited about this but also very nervous.

It is unbelievably overwhelming to start this process. Which agency do we use? How long are we willing to wait for a child (that determines how expensive it is)? How are we ever going to afford this (it's unbelievably expensive if you want to try to know for sure you won't wait 2+ years)? Will God raise up the money we need? How do we even fundraise for something like this? Will people be willing to give? What if we never get picked? What if we get picked then the birth mom changes her mind? That just barely scrapes the surface of what has been going through our minds. Like I said, it's unbelievably overwhelming.

One thought has been good for me though: Just take the next step. That's all. I don't have to worry about the finances or getting picked or whatever else might be driving me crazy, I just need to take the next step. So for now, the next step is to get our home study done. That's all. That's all I need to get done, that's all I need to think about in regards to this, that's all. So we have begun paperwork for that and will hopefully have an appointment with our case worker in the next 2 weeks.

Please be praying for us as we begin this part of the beautiful journey. We can't wait to see what God has in store for us!

Love His Method

This past week at church we talked about the story of Abraham and Sarah. Long story short, they couldn't have children, but God had promised to give them a child. They decided (well Sarah decided and Abraham went along with her) that Abraham should sleep with her servant-that must be how God was going to provide. Well you can imagine the mess that created. The point made though was that Abraham trusted God's promise, but he didn't trust His method.

Hmmm...that kind of sounds like me. God hasn't promised me that I will ever have a biological child. But He has promised that He works all things out for the good, He is faithful, He is good and lots of other promises. I trust those promises, but I have a hard time trusting His method. I never wanted to go through infertility, I wanted a baby, I still want a baby. The question I have been asking myself this week though is if I will trust His method. It isn't the method I would have chosen, but it's His method and therefore it is good.

It may not be infertility for you, but where do you need to not only trust His promises, but His method as well.

As an update on the medical side, for now everything in the blood work looks like the medicine is doing it's job. There will be another semen analysis in the next couple of weeks to see if the sperm count and motility has gone up at all. Then we will know next steps. Keep praying!

Luke 1

In Luke 1 it talks about Zechariah and Elizabeth. It says that both of them were "upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commandments and regulations blamelessly." It also says "they had no children, because Elizabeth was barren and they were both well along in years." So here is a couple who loves the Lord and obeys Him and walks with Him, yet they do not have children (which I have to think is a great desire of their hearts). I think sometimes when I read the Bible and I read these accounts of people from so long ago, I forget that they were real and had real desires and emotions. However this week as I read this my heart hurt for them that they had to endure infertility. In some ways it brought me great comfort too that I am not alone in this and great men and women of the faith have walked before me in this very trial.

There is a significant change in the story though when God reveals to them that they indeed are going to have a child. This is where is gets really good for me and the thing I want to share about most. Elizabeth gave birth to John the Baptist and he is the one God chose to lead the way for Jesus...what an unbelievable calling. The thing that sticks out to me in this is God's perfect timing and the fact that He was accomplishing something much greater than what Zechariah and Elizabeth could see.

If they are anything like Heath and I, they had longed for and waited for this baby for so long. Maybe at times they even asked God why He wasn't allowing it. But all along God had a bigger plan for their child, bigger than they could probably even imagine. Had John the Baptist been born years earlier, he might not have been able to fulfill the task God had called him to-the task of preparing the way for Jesus.

This all got me thinking. I want a baby so bad. I wanted to start our family a couple of years ago, but God has a greater purpose in causing us to wait. What if when our child is 10 there is a child in his/her class who needs to see and hear the gospel and God is going to allow our child to be that for them. What if there is a certain people group that will be closed to outsiders coming in, but when our child is 23 and trying to decide what to do in life that country open up and he/she is able to go be a missionary there. I can get on board with that. I have no idea what God has planned for our children. My prayer is they will come to know Him and then be used to make Him known throughout the Earth. God knows what He's doing and He has an agenda to reach the world. I believe He is using my infertility to fulfill His plan for the nations to know Him. We will have children someday, whether it's biological or through adoption, and my prayer is that through this time of (hard) waiting, He is accomplishing a much bigger purpose than I could ever imagine for my child.

Next Steps

What is our next step? That's a great question. If anyone has the answer I would LOVE to hear it! We feel like we are at a crossroads. The doctors think the medicine is working (we won't know for sure until after another semen analysis) so there is potential we could get pregnant any month. There is also the potential that we won't ever get pregnant. So what do we do with that? Great question.

Way back before we ever started testing I asked Heath what he thought about adoption. His immediate answer was "it's not my first choice." Honestly it wasn't mine either. I wanted to be pregnant, to see the baby grow in me, to feel it kick and then to give birth (maybe not so excited about the last one, but wanted to experience it) When we thought about international adoption we just weren't sure. We have so many friends who have done or are in the process of doing international adoption and we are beyond excited for them, but for us it just didn't seem like the right fit.

In God's goodness, He put a woman in my BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) group who is an adoption consultant. She began talking to me about domestic adoption. As I talked to her one day, I became excited about the thought of adoption for the first time. As I told Heath about it, he became more interested in it as well.

So what am I saying? Well nothing really. We have been thinking about and praying about adopting, but honestly we just aren't sure. It can be a long process, it's unbelievably expensive and we just can't come to a decision.

I write all of this to ask you to pray for us as we continue to seek God's wisdom on what He wants our next steps to be. It may be a time to wait and it may be a time to act, we really just aren't sure. Pray for His  wisdom and guidance for us as we go along on our beautiful journey.

Intimacy

Let me just go ahead and put this out there, I"m not going to give you all the details of the intimate part of our life, but I do think this is an important subject to talk about because infertility really does effect your intimacy. I'm going to use the word sex, probably a lot, so if you don't want to hear about it, just tune in again next week and I promise I'll be on a different subject :)

Being intimate, like really intimate, with your husband (or wife if you're a man) as you struggle through infertility is just hard. Anyone who is going through this or has gone through it knows that your doctor basically tells you when to have sex. It doesn't matter if you have had the longest day of your life, if you're so tired that you want to go to bed at 7 p.m. or if you've just gotten in a huge fight with your spouse...if it's one of the days your doctor told you to have sex, you better be having sex. Heath and I have really struggled with this. Not that we don't want to have sex, we just don't like it to be so scheduled.

At first, the whole schedule of when we had to have sex wasn't a big deal, but it has really started to take it's toll on us. It has been a real pressure thing for us both. We find that instead of really enjoying each other, we are just going through the motions because those days are our one shot for the whole month to have any chance of getting pregnant. I don't really know what the solution is though. It's just another thing we are learning about and growing in.

I wanted to write this not because I have all the answers-clearly I don't-but because I do think the longer your deal with infertility the more your intimacy is effected. I wanted to just get it out there so that if you're reading this and you're struggling through infertility you will know that you are not alone in your struggle for intimacy amidst infertility. It's a battle, but I want to keep fighting.

Fun

Heath and I have just been trying to enjoy each other and make the most of the time we have as just us. That was some wonderful advice I got from a friend. Anyway, I wanted to share some pics of something fun we did yesterday. If you know me, you know I love to be where the action is. Well right now the action is in Indianapolis as they prepare to host the Super Bowl. Heath got off work early yesterday and I had the day off so we headed down to Indy to be a part of the festivities. It is unbelievable how much different the city looked. If you are struggling through infertility or just having a hard time in life, take time to enjoy the people around you and get out there and have some fun!!

And if you live in or around Indy, you gotta check out Super Bowl Village!