The past few weeks have been just plain hard. Don't get me wrong, I so enjoyed seeing our families over Christmas and I was able to reflect on Christ and all He's done for me, but at the same time it's been hard. Intellectually I know that God is allowing me not to have a baby for His glory and my good, but it's just hard to wrap my heart around that. I confess I have doubted God's character so much in the past few weeks. I know the truth intellectually, but it's so hard to get it to translate down to my heart.
One thing that's been comforting to me during this is the thought that God goes before me. I know this to be true because I see it in my very salvation. I wanted little to do with God. I wanted to live my life by my rules and did not want to play by His. But God went before me, even in hard stuff. He was continually drawing me to Himself. There's a song called "All I have is Christ" and one of the lines says "and if He had not loved me first, I would refuse Him still." God went before me in loving me. He loved me and poured out His grace on my life thus drawing me to Himself. He has not changed. He is going before me in this season of infertility. Even when I don't understand and I have more questions than answers, I can be sure of this. He is going before me. No matter where this journey leads, He is before me. I can take confidence in that.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Christ
This post has nothing to do with infertility, but since it's Christmas week, I thought I'd share what's been on my heart. Christ is the reason we celebrate Christmas. You're probably thinking to yourself "duh!" But this year it has been especially hard for me to focus on Christ during this season. I don't know what it is. Maybe because I'm use to being home with my family by this time and I'm not there yet, or maybe because I waited until 3 days ago to do my shopping (yes, I was "that girl"), or maybe it's because Heath and I have been working a lot. I don't know what it is but I am just not in the Christmas mind set and I am definitely having a hard time focusing on Christ.
It seems like I just have easily gotten wrapped up in the commercialism of Christmas-making my list for what I want, getting people things I think they want, going to Christmas parties. This is not how I want my Christmas to look. I want to remember and meditate on "The Word became flesh and dwelled among us." John 1:14. That is the reason we have Christmas, that is the real reason we celebrate Christmas. It is for me to celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior. The One who knew no sin but became sin for me (2 Cor. 5:21) He came to Earth as a human only to die so that I could have life in heaven. Now that's something worth celebrating. I love this quote by Tim Keller "Christmas is telling you that you could never get to heaven on your own. God had to come to you." That' what I want to think about when I think of Christmas.
I pray for myself, and for you, that this Christmas our focus will be on Christ. He truly is the reason for the season.
It seems like I just have easily gotten wrapped up in the commercialism of Christmas-making my list for what I want, getting people things I think they want, going to Christmas parties. This is not how I want my Christmas to look. I want to remember and meditate on "The Word became flesh and dwelled among us." John 1:14. That is the reason we have Christmas, that is the real reason we celebrate Christmas. It is for me to celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior. The One who knew no sin but became sin for me (2 Cor. 5:21) He came to Earth as a human only to die so that I could have life in heaven. Now that's something worth celebrating. I love this quote by Tim Keller "Christmas is telling you that you could never get to heaven on your own. God had to come to you." That' what I want to think about when I think of Christmas.
I pray for myself, and for you, that this Christmas our focus will be on Christ. He truly is the reason for the season.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Faith
"Now faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see" Hebrews 11:1
Hebrews 11 not only defines what faith is, but gives us examples of men and women who have gone before us. I have to admit when I read Hebrews 11 I get a little awe struck. You have Enoch who is described in the words "he walked with God" and was called immediately into heaven. Then there's Noah who for 120 years built an ark even though he'd never seen a rain drop in his life. Moses who chose to be mistreated with his people than to be treated like a prince, led the people out of Egypt and parted the Red Sea. You can't forget Abraham who left everything he knew to go somewhere (he didn't know where he was going, he just obeyed God), waited years and years for a child and then was told to sacrifice that child (even though God spared him of that, he was still obedient to do it) And that's just a few of the people talked about. There faith was unbelievable.
Today though, as I was studying this at my weekly Bible study, I realized something-all of these people are just ordinary people who chose to believe God's promises and to be obedient to Him even if they didn't understand. There was nothing superhuman about them, there was something supernatural. That's when it struck me. I can do the same thing as them. I can believe God's promises and be obedient to Him even when I don't understand.
My biggest struggle through all of the infertility stuff has been a battle of unbelief-to really trust God and His promises. That's why this revelation was so sweet to me today. I pray that God will make me, an ordinary person, a great woman of faith. That I will really believe His promises and obey Him no matter what. I need God's grace to be able to do this. Will you please join me in praying this for my life and for yours? Let's be a people who take God at His word and act in obedience!
Hebrews 11 not only defines what faith is, but gives us examples of men and women who have gone before us. I have to admit when I read Hebrews 11 I get a little awe struck. You have Enoch who is described in the words "he walked with God" and was called immediately into heaven. Then there's Noah who for 120 years built an ark even though he'd never seen a rain drop in his life. Moses who chose to be mistreated with his people than to be treated like a prince, led the people out of Egypt and parted the Red Sea. You can't forget Abraham who left everything he knew to go somewhere (he didn't know where he was going, he just obeyed God), waited years and years for a child and then was told to sacrifice that child (even though God spared him of that, he was still obedient to do it) And that's just a few of the people talked about. There faith was unbelievable.
Today though, as I was studying this at my weekly Bible study, I realized something-all of these people are just ordinary people who chose to believe God's promises and to be obedient to Him even if they didn't understand. There was nothing superhuman about them, there was something supernatural. That's when it struck me. I can do the same thing as them. I can believe God's promises and be obedient to Him even when I don't understand.
My biggest struggle through all of the infertility stuff has been a battle of unbelief-to really trust God and His promises. That's why this revelation was so sweet to me today. I pray that God will make me, an ordinary person, a great woman of faith. That I will really believe His promises and obey Him no matter what. I need God's grace to be able to do this. Will you please join me in praying this for my life and for yours? Let's be a people who take God at His word and act in obedience!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Apathy
Apathetic would be a good way to describe how I have felt the last few weeks. Apathetic about God's word, about prayer and just about life in general. The past few weeks have been good in the sense that we got to see both of our families over Thanksgiving (such a blessing!) and we got to see friends (and make some new ones!) last weekend when we went to KY for a wedding. I was really excited about both of those things, but other than that I just have felt apathetic.
Two nights ago Heath and I were laying in bed and I just confessed to him that I was struggling to desire God's word and that I went through most of the day without thinking about praying. I think I am just emotionally and spiritually tired. It is draining to me spiritually to continually fight the lies that are constantly bombarding my mind. It is draining to feel like I constantly need to be praying and asking God to work and move. I have really struggled with God the last few weeks.
Finally, yesterday, I got to get away for a little bit and spend some extended time in the word and prayer. Even though I don't necessarily desire those things right now, I know it's the best thing for me. Anyway, I just got away and asked God where He was and why He wasn't showing up in this situation. Those are tough questions to ask because the truth is He's right beside me and He is showing up, just not in the way I think He should. I got to read through some of the Psalms and pray through them. It was good for my heart. One verse that stuck out to me was Ps. 78:18 which says "They tested God in their heart by demanding the food they craved." Before you think I'm off my rocker because I have plenty of food, let me explain. He is talking about the Israelites here. He has just rescued them from Pharaoh, parted the Red Sea and provided for them in so many other ways. I read the account of the Israelites and I think "are they crazy? can't they see all God has done for them?" And then I realize I am just like them. If the verse were written about me it would say "Mary Leslie tested God in her heart by demanding the baby she craves." Ouch! I am just like them. I need to repent.
God used my day yesterday to begin to draw me out of my apathetic state of mind. It's still a struggle, but I see light at the end of the tunnel. I write all this to encourage any of you who are feeling apathetic in your walk with the Lord right now. Get some time with Him, even if you don't feel like it. Open up His word and let Him speak into your heart. I in no way think I am over my apathetic state, but it's a step in the right direction...on this beautiful journey.
Two nights ago Heath and I were laying in bed and I just confessed to him that I was struggling to desire God's word and that I went through most of the day without thinking about praying. I think I am just emotionally and spiritually tired. It is draining to me spiritually to continually fight the lies that are constantly bombarding my mind. It is draining to feel like I constantly need to be praying and asking God to work and move. I have really struggled with God the last few weeks.
Finally, yesterday, I got to get away for a little bit and spend some extended time in the word and prayer. Even though I don't necessarily desire those things right now, I know it's the best thing for me. Anyway, I just got away and asked God where He was and why He wasn't showing up in this situation. Those are tough questions to ask because the truth is He's right beside me and He is showing up, just not in the way I think He should. I got to read through some of the Psalms and pray through them. It was good for my heart. One verse that stuck out to me was Ps. 78:18 which says "They tested God in their heart by demanding the food they craved." Before you think I'm off my rocker because I have plenty of food, let me explain. He is talking about the Israelites here. He has just rescued them from Pharaoh, parted the Red Sea and provided for them in so many other ways. I read the account of the Israelites and I think "are they crazy? can't they see all God has done for them?" And then I realize I am just like them. If the verse were written about me it would say "Mary Leslie tested God in her heart by demanding the baby she craves." Ouch! I am just like them. I need to repent.
God used my day yesterday to begin to draw me out of my apathetic state of mind. It's still a struggle, but I see light at the end of the tunnel. I write all this to encourage any of you who are feeling apathetic in your walk with the Lord right now. Get some time with Him, even if you don't feel like it. Open up His word and let Him speak into your heart. I in no way think I am over my apathetic state, but it's a step in the right direction...on this beautiful journey.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
My Dream
Growing up I always knew one thing for sure: I wanted to be a mom. I love kids and have always loved kids. I use to beg my parents to let me help in the nursery during church. My dream was to get married and not too long afterwards start having children. Well, that dream is not my reality. My reality is that at this point I cannot have children. Yes, we are taking medicine that could work and we are doing everything we can, but even my doctor said at this point (until the medicine is regulated) it is not reasonable to think I will get pregnant. That's why I say at this point I can't. Anyway, I feel like in a lot of ways my dream has died. Let me explain...
Seventeen months ago when we decided to start trying to get pregnant I was beyond excited. This was it! My dream was coming true! We were going to get pregnant and have a baby! I knew it would probably take a few months so I didn't want to get over excited, but let's face it who wouldn't be excited to see their dream come true. Another dream I had was how fun it would be to tell our family and friends that we were pregnant. I thought about all kinds of fun ways we could tell them.
We told almost no one that we were trying for a long time. I wanted it to be a fun surprise for everyone. Well, that's two things it's most definitely not at this point 1) fun and 2) a surprise. This isn't fun anymore. It's hard. It hasn't been fun for a long time. I always dreamed of getting pregnant as such a fun thing and I feel like that dream is dead. I am in no way saying that I won't be beyond thrilled when we are pregnant, but it's not fun right now. I cry and crying isn't fun. I get jealous and jealousy isn't fun. I get angry and being angry isn't fun. This is just not fun. It's also not a surprise. Everyone and their mom now knows that we are trying. Heck I feel like everyone and their mom now knows my cycle. I feel like every month people are waiting to hear if I started or not (because they know when I should!) I know our families and friends will be so excited for us when we do, but I feel like in no way will it be a surprise to them. And I feel like that's a dead dream. My doctor tells me my dream is not dead, I will have children someday-either naturally or through adoption, but my dream feels dead. The way I always dreamed of it looking is dead.
I say all that (and I know it probably makes no sense) to be real and also to let you know why we didn't tell people for a long time. I know God will someday give us a beautiful child. I am praying during this season of my journey that God will give me a new dream.
Seventeen months ago when we decided to start trying to get pregnant I was beyond excited. This was it! My dream was coming true! We were going to get pregnant and have a baby! I knew it would probably take a few months so I didn't want to get over excited, but let's face it who wouldn't be excited to see their dream come true. Another dream I had was how fun it would be to tell our family and friends that we were pregnant. I thought about all kinds of fun ways we could tell them.
We told almost no one that we were trying for a long time. I wanted it to be a fun surprise for everyone. Well, that's two things it's most definitely not at this point 1) fun and 2) a surprise. This isn't fun anymore. It's hard. It hasn't been fun for a long time. I always dreamed of getting pregnant as such a fun thing and I feel like that dream is dead. I am in no way saying that I won't be beyond thrilled when we are pregnant, but it's not fun right now. I cry and crying isn't fun. I get jealous and jealousy isn't fun. I get angry and being angry isn't fun. This is just not fun. It's also not a surprise. Everyone and their mom now knows that we are trying. Heck I feel like everyone and their mom now knows my cycle. I feel like every month people are waiting to hear if I started or not (because they know when I should!) I know our families and friends will be so excited for us when we do, but I feel like in no way will it be a surprise to them. And I feel like that's a dead dream. My doctor tells me my dream is not dead, I will have children someday-either naturally or through adoption, but my dream feels dead. The way I always dreamed of it looking is dead.
I say all that (and I know it probably makes no sense) to be real and also to let you know why we didn't tell people for a long time. I know God will someday give us a beautiful child. I am praying during this season of my journey that God will give me a new dream.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thankfulness
Since it's about to be Thanksgiving I decided I would write about things that I am thankful for as we have gone through this part of our journey. Like I have said before, this part of our journey has been really, really hard for Heath and me, but even in the hard times we have much to be thankful for.
1. The gospel. I seriously don't know how people who aren't Christians can face infertility. I have needed to be reminded of the gospel so much in the last few months. To see how God provided for my greatest need in salvation, leads me to know He is providing for me now. To see how in a seemingly hopeless situation I have hope because of Christ is unbelievably comforting to me. I could go on and on but you get the drift.
2. Heath. I am so thankful to have a husband who loves me and supports me through this. Heath lets me cry, lets me be angry, lets me feel every emotion I have yet he continue to leads me back to truth. He prays for me and for us. Every night when he prays he asks God for babies. He shares God's word with me and pushes me to believe it. He loves me and tells me often. I won't bore you with it all but I am unbelievably privileged to be married to him.
3. Our families. We didn't tell our families for a long time what was going on (maybe later I'll post our reasons for that). When we did tell them they were so supportive of us. They continually ask us how it is going, ask us how we are doing, encourage us and just back us 100%. We are so thankful to have our families and to have their support.
4. Kari. As I mentioned in my first post moving to West Lafayette wasn't super easy for me, but God has provided a sweet friendship for me with Kari. Words cannot express how thankful I am for her. Our lives are pretty much identical-we both were on staff with CO for a while before we got married, we both moved here from the south, we both were friendless (for the most part) when we moved here, we got married within months of each other and were both still in college ministry when we met. Suffice it to say God provided for me in her. Through this season of my life she has listened to me, offered advice, pointed me to truth, prayed for me, texted me before and after almost every doctors visit, watched me "ugly cry" and has just supported me in ways I probably don't even know. I am beyond thankful for her friendship.
5. My small group girls (both new and old). These women have heard about our struggle with infertility for a long time. They have stood beside me and prayed for me. They have encouraged me and let me cry with them. They have invited me over to eat chocolate and cry! They have listened to me week after week describe my struggles and have let me struggle through it (in a good way). I am so thankful to have friendships with women who let me be me. Again, I don't think words can describe how thankful I am.
6. Our church. Kossuth Street Baptist Church is an unbelievable body of believers who love God and His word and strive to live in light of those two things. It is one of the main reasons we didn't want to leave West Lafayette. As we have gone through this struggle we have been surrounded by a body of believers who, although they don't know us that well, have come alongside us and are fighting this with us. We are also so thankful for Pastor Whipple's teaching each week that points us back to truth and encourages us to trust God.
7. Praying friends. We have lots of them! For a long time I would send out Facebook messages to my friends to update them on what was going on and how they could pray. Through those months I was continually receiving messages telling me they were praying for me and I could tell. I am so thankful for that group of women, as well as many others now that the news is more public, who have lifted Heath and me up in prayer.
This is a small list of things I am thankful for during this season. I know there are many more things to be thankful for and there is no doubt I left A LOT of things out. We are thankful. We are thankful that God is leading us on this journey and for the people He has placed around us on this part of our beautiful journey.
1. The gospel. I seriously don't know how people who aren't Christians can face infertility. I have needed to be reminded of the gospel so much in the last few months. To see how God provided for my greatest need in salvation, leads me to know He is providing for me now. To see how in a seemingly hopeless situation I have hope because of Christ is unbelievably comforting to me. I could go on and on but you get the drift.
2. Heath. I am so thankful to have a husband who loves me and supports me through this. Heath lets me cry, lets me be angry, lets me feel every emotion I have yet he continue to leads me back to truth. He prays for me and for us. Every night when he prays he asks God for babies. He shares God's word with me and pushes me to believe it. He loves me and tells me often. I won't bore you with it all but I am unbelievably privileged to be married to him.
3. Our families. We didn't tell our families for a long time what was going on (maybe later I'll post our reasons for that). When we did tell them they were so supportive of us. They continually ask us how it is going, ask us how we are doing, encourage us and just back us 100%. We are so thankful to have our families and to have their support.
4. Kari. As I mentioned in my first post moving to West Lafayette wasn't super easy for me, but God has provided a sweet friendship for me with Kari. Words cannot express how thankful I am for her. Our lives are pretty much identical-we both were on staff with CO for a while before we got married, we both moved here from the south, we both were friendless (for the most part) when we moved here, we got married within months of each other and were both still in college ministry when we met. Suffice it to say God provided for me in her. Through this season of my life she has listened to me, offered advice, pointed me to truth, prayed for me, texted me before and after almost every doctors visit, watched me "ugly cry" and has just supported me in ways I probably don't even know. I am beyond thankful for her friendship.
5. My small group girls (both new and old). These women have heard about our struggle with infertility for a long time. They have stood beside me and prayed for me. They have encouraged me and let me cry with them. They have invited me over to eat chocolate and cry! They have listened to me week after week describe my struggles and have let me struggle through it (in a good way). I am so thankful to have friendships with women who let me be me. Again, I don't think words can describe how thankful I am.
6. Our church. Kossuth Street Baptist Church is an unbelievable body of believers who love God and His word and strive to live in light of those two things. It is one of the main reasons we didn't want to leave West Lafayette. As we have gone through this struggle we have been surrounded by a body of believers who, although they don't know us that well, have come alongside us and are fighting this with us. We are also so thankful for Pastor Whipple's teaching each week that points us back to truth and encourages us to trust God.
7. Praying friends. We have lots of them! For a long time I would send out Facebook messages to my friends to update them on what was going on and how they could pray. Through those months I was continually receiving messages telling me they were praying for me and I could tell. I am so thankful for that group of women, as well as many others now that the news is more public, who have lifted Heath and me up in prayer.
This is a small list of things I am thankful for during this season. I know there are many more things to be thankful for and there is no doubt I left A LOT of things out. We are thankful. We are thankful that God is leading us on this journey and for the people He has placed around us on this part of our beautiful journey.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Truth vs. Feelings
The battle between the truth of God and my feelings has been one of the biggest battles I have faced throughout this process. I know the truth of God-He is good, He is faithful, He is kind and so much more. But in this season it has been hard for me to feel like He is being good to me or faithful to me or kind to me. I know God never forsakes me, but I feel forsaken. I know God hears my prayers, but I don't feel like He does. Sometimes I just feel like "God, where are you?"I don't feel like He is present.
I get so frustrated with myself because I know I should believe the truth. but it's just so hard for me sometimes. I have come to the point where I am okay with struggling with these things. In fact, I think it's good for me to struggle through these things. I see how God is using my questioning of His character to strengthen my walk with him. I am really having to "go there" in my heart and see where the unbelief lies. I feel like the man in the gospel accounts who said "I believe but help my unbelief." I believe those things to be true about God, but in my day to day life there is so much unbelief.
One Sunday in church we were singing "Great is Thy Faithfulness" and I just couldn't sing it. I didn't feel like God's faithfulness to me was great. That's when I remembered a quote from one of my favorite author's C.J. Mahaney. (Just a quick side note- I love C.J. Mahaney. I even have my picture with him! I have learned SO much from his books and his sermons. I am so thankful for his life. If you have never read anything by him, you should. If you live near me I'll even let you borrow my books!) Anyway, back to the point, in his book Living the Cross Centered Life he has a chapter titled "what I feel vs. what is real" Oh my has this chapter changed my thinking! He says when we encounter a verse or a truth about God our first question shouldn't be how do I feel about this, but is it true? So that day as I was sitting in church I was encountered with that question. I had to ask myself is this true? Is His faithfulness great? The answer in my mind was immediate-yes. Regardless of how I felt it didn't change the truth that God is faithful and His faithfulness is great. His faithfulness to me is great.
So I guess my point is, I will probably continue to struggle with this very issue as I continue along in this journey, but at the end of the day my prayer is that I will always be brought back to the truth and that no matter how I feel, I will cling to what is real. And what is real? God is good, He is faithful, He is kind, He has not forsaken me, He hears my prayers, He is ever-present, this list could go on forever. No matter where this journey takes me, the truth about Him never changes and I am going to hold fast to that.
I get so frustrated with myself because I know I should believe the truth. but it's just so hard for me sometimes. I have come to the point where I am okay with struggling with these things. In fact, I think it's good for me to struggle through these things. I see how God is using my questioning of His character to strengthen my walk with him. I am really having to "go there" in my heart and see where the unbelief lies. I feel like the man in the gospel accounts who said "I believe but help my unbelief." I believe those things to be true about God, but in my day to day life there is so much unbelief.
One Sunday in church we were singing "Great is Thy Faithfulness" and I just couldn't sing it. I didn't feel like God's faithfulness to me was great. That's when I remembered a quote from one of my favorite author's C.J. Mahaney. (Just a quick side note- I love C.J. Mahaney. I even have my picture with him! I have learned SO much from his books and his sermons. I am so thankful for his life. If you have never read anything by him, you should. If you live near me I'll even let you borrow my books!) Anyway, back to the point, in his book Living the Cross Centered Life he has a chapter titled "what I feel vs. what is real" Oh my has this chapter changed my thinking! He says when we encounter a verse or a truth about God our first question shouldn't be how do I feel about this, but is it true? So that day as I was sitting in church I was encountered with that question. I had to ask myself is this true? Is His faithfulness great? The answer in my mind was immediate-yes. Regardless of how I felt it didn't change the truth that God is faithful and His faithfulness is great. His faithfulness to me is great.
So I guess my point is, I will probably continue to struggle with this very issue as I continue along in this journey, but at the end of the day my prayer is that I will always be brought back to the truth and that no matter how I feel, I will cling to what is real. And what is real? God is good, He is faithful, He is kind, He has not forsaken me, He hears my prayers, He is ever-present, this list could go on forever. No matter where this journey takes me, the truth about Him never changes and I am going to hold fast to that.
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