Don't Waste It

This past weekend I was able to go the True Woman conference in downtown Indy (thanks Teri!). One of my favorite sessions was an interview with Joni Erickson Tada. If you don't know her story I will give you a little preview but really encourage you to read up on her. When she was 17 she was in a diving accident and she became a quadriplegic in a wheelchair, without the use of her hands. Her story is an unbelievable journey of how God has used her in the lives of people everywhere. Seriously, read up on her and be encouraged.

One of the things she said is "don't waste your suffering." I know John Piper has written something entitled "Don't Waste Your Cancer" that is similar. For me, hearing it live and in person from a woman who has experienced much suffering was just so challenging to me. This blog post is really for those of you who are going through infertility or any other type of suffering right now. I hope it encourages you and challenges you.

If I were on my own, and did not know or experience the grace of God daily in my life, I would waste my suffering. There are many days now that I want to waste my suffering and I am sure there are days I have wasted my suffering. But I don't want to waste it. Does that mean I never cry or never get upset? I don't think so. In fact, I think it's quite the opposite. Here are some ways I don't want to waste my suffering.

1. I want to use this time in my life to see how dependent I am on God. He is my strength and my refuge in time of need. He is my Rock and my Fortress. I cannot do this on my own. There are days when I just want to do absolutely nothing but have a pity party, but instead of a pity party I want to turn my attention to God and desperately cry out to Him to give me the grace I need to face each day. You see, the truth is I'm always dependent on God and I should always desperately call out to Him for grace to get through each day. When things are going great I often turn towards self sufficiency. So I want to use this hard time to train myself to continually turn to Him. So then hopefully when things are going well and when things are going bad, I will have trained myself to turn to Him.

2. I want to use this time in my life to ask the hard questions. So often I think we don't think it's okay to ask God the hard questions. Well, I have some hard questions that I need answered. I want to boldly ask Him because I know His answer will always point me back to Him. I don't want to be afraid to ask the hard questions of Him because I think it will show how weak my faith is. You know what, my faith is weak. I need to ask those hard questions so my faith will be strengthened and so that I can think correctly about Him.

3. I want to use this time in my life to cry out to God and to grow in my intimacy with Him. My heart hurts and He knows that it hurts. This can be such a sweet time of intimacy in my walk with Him as I allow Him to minister to the hurt places in my heart, just like a father would. If I don't cry out to Him, and when I say cry for me it often means literally crying, then how am I going to experience that intimacy with Him and how is He going to heal those places in my heart with His word and His grace and His love? I want to use this time to experience deep intimacy with Him. I have some sweet friends whose little girl was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor when she was 6 months old. They have seen her through brain surgery, chemo, a stem cell transplant and so much more. This past weekend I got to catch up with the mom for a few minutes and one thing she said to me was something to the effect of- I know God in a deeper way because we have been through this. I don't think I could have gotten to know Him like this if we hadn't been through this. Wow. I left so encouraged by her to use this hard season of life to know my God better.

Those are just a few ways I have thought about not wasting my infertility. Again, I am not saying my goal is to never cry or never be upset, but to allow God to work in my life during those times. If you are going through infertility or some other trial, I pray you won't waste it but allow Him to work mightily in your life. I pray the same thing for Heath and I as we go along on our beautiful journey.

Ramblings of my heart...

Well, here is a post that I have been mulling over the last couple of days. How do I take all that is going on in my heart and explain it in a blog? I'm not sure but here's my best shot.

As you know we had our profile book presented 2 weeks ago today to a birth mom due Dec. 20th. We anxiously awaited news to hear if we had been chosen or not. You never know how long it is going to take to hear back so you just kind of anxiously wait around all day every day wondering if that will be the day. Needless to say my phone is pretty much attached to the palm of my hand and I will answer any number any time, I don't care what I am doing. 

On Tuesday September 4th we got an email saying that the birth parents had narrowed it down to two families-us and another family-and that we would hear Friday and no later than Monday if we were chosen. I can't tell you what it does to your heart to hear that you made it to the top 2. I can't decide if it's better or worse to know that. In some ways it is better because you can pray more specifically, but in other ways it's worse because you're so close (by the way, this is not the first time we have been in the top 2, it's probably the 3rd time so I have had a lot of time to think about whether it's best to know or not).

Friday rolls around and no answer. Early that evening I get a phone call from Carlee saying they haven't made a decision and will for sure have an answer on Monday. I had to sub on Monday so I made sure to let Carlee and our agency know I wouldn't be able to answer the phone until after 3. I got out a little early so I gave Carlee a call. There was still no answer from the birth parents. I call the agency and they say the bp's are having a hard time deciding but they are going to try to get an answer. Monday turns into Tuesday and still no answer. Finally at about 11 a.m. Tuesday we hear that will make a decision at 1 p.m. 

At 2:40ish I get a phone call from Carlee-this is it, the moment of truth. They picked the other family. What? Seriously? You're kidding? I think I asked Carlee those exact things. Seriously, we made it to the top 2 again and didn't get picked? Talk about heart wrenching. I then proceeded to bawl my eyes out. Did I mention I was in the Walmart parking lot when this all went down? So I proceed to drive home as I bawl my eyes out. Sweet Carlee listened and encouraged and reminded me of truth. I just cried. I got home and the poor dog we are dog-sitting didn't know what to make of me. I was a mess and could not control the sobbing. She would just look at me like "what's going on?" 

It's been 3 days since we found out that yet again we didn't get chosen and I am still sad. I don't know what has made this one worse. I think I was just so hopeful. Whenever I am so hopeful the disappointment seems to increase. I so want to believe truth in those moments and have faith and trust God, but it's a battle. One sweet friend (a new friend here in Columbus, by the way-God has been sweet to give me friendships here) reminded me that ultimately I do trust Him and I do believe He is good but I have to take time to grieve what could have been. Those were the sweetest words to me. 

I needed it to be okay for me to be sad and it was. I so often think I have to come to God put together. I have huge expectations on myself and how I should react in situations and when I don't react the way I think I should I am so disappointed in myself. I am thankful God gave her the grace that day to remind me to take some time to grieve, to fall apart before God. To come to Him as I was-sad and disappointed and full of questions. In a lot of ways I am still those 3 things. 

So we will move forward from here. There are possibly some other opportunities that we will present to soon and there is another agency that we will be applying to next week. If you think of us, pray for us. We so desire to have children and to raise a family and the waiting is hard. I got a text from another sweet friend in response to the news that we hadn't been chosen that said "that sucks." That's how I feel a lot of times. It just sucks that we haven't been able to get pregnant and haven't gotten chosen to adopt a baby yet. Pray for us as we need so much of God's grace in our lives as we go along on this beautiful journey. 

Presenting

I just realized I have never posted a blog about any of the times we have presented to birth moms. For those who don't know, presenting is where one of our agencies shows our profile book we made to expectant mothers. The mothers then take the profile books (usually they have 3-4 family's books), look them over for a few days and then pick a family to be the adoptive parents.

How it works for us is that we receive information about the birth parents. The information includes a little bit about them, their medical history, their family medical history and why they are wanting to give the child up for adoption. Most of the time they give the child up because they cannot provide financially or emotionally for the child. We then get to say yes or no. The reasons we would say no include drug or alcohol use, genetic disorders and things like that. If we say yes then our book is presented.

From there it is a waiting game (have I mentioned I don't like to wait?). The birth mother/parents have several days (sometimes a week or longer) to decide who they want to choose. That's the hard part for us! It's like we know our book is out there and someone is making a huge decision and we so badly want it to be us. It's a really weird feeling. I have come to realize though that it is ultimately not her/them making the decision, it's God. He is going to choose our baby for us. That doesn't always make the waiting easier or the "no" easier to hear, but it's good for me to take myself back to that.

We have had our profile book presented five times and five times we have been told no. To be honest, at times it makes you wonder if something is wrong with you. It is also very humbling. Heath and I think we are awesome and why wouldn't you pick us (sad, but true that we think that) so to not get picked is humbling. This is also a good time to remember that it is God who is the One picking.

This Friday we will present for the sixth time. It is to a birth mother in Florida who is having a little boy due December 20th. What a great Christmas present that would be for us huh?? To be honest it makes me feel a little vulnerable to share with everyone that we are presenting because if we get told no then everyone will know. If we get told yes trust me EVERYONE will know. We will be shouting it from the rooftops! I have come to realize though that not sharing when we are presenting is my pride. I don't want everyone to know, because I don't want everyone to know if we get rejected. I said from the beginning of this blog that I wanted to be open and real with where God has us and what He is doing so to exclude this part of our story here on the blog doesn't make much sense. This is real, and there are real emotions involved.

So here's the deal, over the next few days we need lots of prayers. Please pray that we will trust the Lord and that we will be surrendered to His timing and His plan for us. I also ask you to pray that we will get chosen. To be honest, I sometimes don't know how to get those two concepts to go together in my heart. I want what I want but I also want what He wants. Pray we will want what He wants more. I will keep you updated. If you don't hear anything in the next week and a half or so you can assume we didn't get chosen (I will post about it on here either way when I get a chance but we are closing on our house on Friday and will be in full work mode the next two weeks so I don't know if I will get a chance to post or not) If we do get chosen trust me when I say you will know! Thanks to all those who pray for us. We are in desperate need of His grace as we go along on our beautiful journey.

Just Waiting

I feel like anytime someone asks how the adoption process is going, my answer is always "just waiting." We are just waiting for the opportunity for our profile book to be shown, just waiting for a birth mother to choose us, just waiting to bring our baby home. Just waiting. And waiting some more.

I know that God has perfect timing, but waiting is just hard. His timing doesn't always seems perfect when you want something so bad. I want to be a mom now. I want Heath to get to be a dad now. I don't want to wait.

Today I started thinking about Hebrews 11-you know the faith chapter that talks about the men and women of the Bible who walked by faith. I started thinking about how all of them walked by faith but didn't see what they had been promised. Verses 13 says "All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth." They waited and waited yet they didn't get to see what God promised. They just walked by faith and trusted that He would do it. I want to wait on Him and trust that He is going to do it. I see how even as they waited they were obedient and surrendered to Him.

I want to be like that. I want to wait, and walk by faith that God will do this. And I know He will, it's just not on my time table. So I will keep waiting and fighting to walk by faith.

So as far as an adoption update, we're just waiting :)

Our New House

That's right folks, three days after we closed on our house in West Lafayette we put on offer on another house here in Columbus. You might be thinking to yourself- you're crazy. I agree. Heath and I like to call our life "crazy town" but when God orchestrates something, you have to walk into it. It is unbelievable to us how God so ordained for us to have this house. Let me tell you the story.

The housing market in Columbus is unlike anything I have ever experienced. A house will go on the market and a day or two later it will be sale pending. That's not the case for all houses of course, but usually there is a good reason for that. So finding a house hasn't been the easiest of things for us. We have looked at every house in our price range and there was nothing. There was one house that was on the market that we really wanted to look at before we went under contract on our WL house, but we had decided not to look here until we were under contract there. Of course by the time we were ready to look-Sale Pending. Bummer.

Last Wednesday we set it up with our real estate agent to go look at a house. He said another one had just come on the market that he wanted to show us too. I wasn't thrilled about either of them just from looking at the pictures so I wasn't super excited to go see them. We show up at the first house and our real estate agent tells us that the house we really wanted to see when we first moved here but was Sale Pending was about to be put back on the market because the finances fell through. How did he know? He was the listing agent. No one else knew it was about to come on the market. He asked us if we wanted to go see it last and we said YES!

We went to look at the second house he had lined up for us and while we were there the seller of the other house called our agent. The people who were going to buy it wanted to rent it from him until they could get their financing in order. They were going to pay his mortgage. Our agent told him he was about to show it to us and he would call back.

We walk into the house and we love it!! Did I mention it is in one of our favorite neighborhoods? It has a great floor plan with four bedrooms so we can grow into it and it is way under our top dollar of our budget. We have a decision to make. The guy needs to know the next day if we are going to put on offer on it because he moved and needs his mortgage to be covered so if we don't want it, it's going to go back to the original buyer. That stresses me out! I do not like making rushed decisions like that.

As we prayed about it and thought through it, it became clear that this is the house God wanted for us. No other agent would have know it was going back on the market, no other agent would have the key to get in (the key box was already gone from the sale pending), we set up a time to go look at a house we knew we didn't really want and it "happened" to be in the 1 hour window before the seller rented it, this was of God.

The house is going to be perfect for us. There are lots of cosmetic things that this house needs, but nothing a little TLC can't help. We will close the end of August, get some things done the first few weeks of September and hopefully be in it mid-late September. We are so thankful for God's provision in this! Here is a sneak peak of what it looks like.

Now all we need is sweet Baby Racine to bring home!! So thankful for God providing this house as we  go along on this beautiful journey!

Adoption and the Gospel

God has been teaching me so much lately about adoption and the direct correlation with the gospel. There have been several times where it has just been a sweet reminder for me.

First, God Himself adopted me into His family. I once was not adopted. Because of my sin and my rebellion I was an enemy of God. Colossians 1:21 says "Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior."I was not part of God's family, I was alienated. That's bad news, but verse 22 goes on to say "But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation--" God sent Christ into this world to be my substitute. He took my sin on Himself so that I could be right with God and be brought into His family. It was nothing I did, it was all Him.

Secondly, I think about how much this adoption is going to cost us. I have to confess I often worry about it and wonder how we are going to make it happen. Two things about the gospel God has shown me through finances. One is that no matter how much I think this is costing us, it cost God more to adopt me into His family. He had to give His only Son and then pour out His wrath on Him to make me right with God. That's a high cost. I don't care how much this adoption costs us, it will never compare to how much it cost God. I just can't imagine. Even though it is costing us a lot to adopt, I am gladly doing it in order to receive a child and love that child (and I would spend as much as I had to). It's the same way with God. He knew the cost and He did it anyway so that I could be called His. The second thing God is teaching me about the gospel when it comes to finances is His unbelievable provision for us. We are within $850 of our goal for what we needed to raise. He has used countless people to allow that to happen. It has over and over again been an evidence of His grace in our lives.

Finally, (I say finally, but I know I have so much more to learn) I see the love of God for me a little more clearly. To be honest, I really struggle to understand God's love for me. That's a different post for a different day, but suffice it to say I struggle. Through this whole process I have been reminded of the deep love God has for His children. I have no idea where our baby is or who he/she is, but I already love him/her so much. I can't wait to call baby Racine my own. God is the same way, He delights in us being His.

I feel like I so poorly stated all of that and know that I will continually go deeper in my understanding of the gospel. I would not have signed up for this, but God has used our adoption process to teach me a lot about Him and about the gospel. For that I am thankful. God really does have us on a beautiful journey!

Birthday Celebration

My birthday is in the middle of June and my (step)sister's birthday is at the end of July so for the last two summers my dad and step-mom have come up to Indiana to celebrate with us. It is such a fun treat to have them come up and spoil us for a few days. They stopped in Columbus on Friday night and we went out to eat with Heath's parents. On Saturday they left and went to Indy. Heath and I went up that night so we could all celebrate together. We of course documented the evening...

My sister is having her first baby in November. Can't wait to meet my nephew!

       
                                   Heath and Andrew showing off their "pregnant" bellies too

My dad and I 

We are so thankful they were able to come up!