Is it over?

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine about our infertility. (Actually I have had several conversations with several of my friends-isn't God good to use this hurt and pain of mine to minster to others! Maybe more about that later!) Anyway, since I've been talking about it a lot, it made me think about if in my mind infertility was "over," since we have Kaleigh.

This is what I have concluded:

The ache I had for a child is no longer there, the day in day out wondering if we would ever have children is no longer there, the feeling that God had called me to be a mom yet wasn't fulfilling that in terms of giving us our own child is no longer there. To be honest, I never wonder if we had a biological child what he/she would look like, I don't wait impatiently each month to see if I'm pregnant (not that the thought doesn't run through my mind from time to time, but in general I don't think about it), I don't chart my temperature and make sure we are in line with when I'm ovulating, I just don't. So does that mean it's over?

I will say this-having Kaleigh has healed so many of the hurt places in my heart and I am so incredibly thankful for her. Sometimes it's hard for me to think back to the time of infertility and really articulate what I was thinking and feeling during that time. We know now that we probably won't ever get pregnant so when we decide it's time to expand our family again we know it will be through adoption and we won't go through the months of wondering if this is "the month."

So I guess what I'm saying is that we are still right in the middle of infertility by definition because we are not preventing a pregnancy from happening (and haven't since 2010), yet are not pregnant, but the hurt of infertility is so much less. It's not in my face everyday, it's not painful and it's not a constant waiting game.

I say all this to be an encouragement to those walking through infertility. Once you have your child-whether through adoption, pregnancy, in vitro, artificial assimilation, or however God decides to give you your child-your pain will lessen. It won't hurt as bad. Sure, I still have questions for God and still have to fight lies I'm believing about Him and still remember the pain of it, but it's less. Part of that is being able to see now the bigger plan God had for us. Had we not gone through infertility we would not have Kaleigh and we absolutely cannot imagine our lives without her and know we are meant to be her parents.

God has a bigger plan and although you may not be able to see it right now, I guarantee one day you will look back and see, even if only in part, something good God did through your infertility. I do not understand fully why we had to face that, but I see glimpses all the time and for that I am thankful.

Let me leave you with this: God is for you (Psalm 118:6), He has not forsaken you (Deut. 31:8), He had not changed (Heb. 13:8), He loves you deeply (Eph 3:17-19).

Pregnancies, Gender Reveals and Baby Showers...Oh My!!

In the midst of infertility it seemed like everyone I knew was getting pregnant. So what did that mean? I was constantly hearing about pregnancies, going to gender reveal parties and baby showers, going to the hospital to meet those sweet bundles of joy, taking a meal to a new mom and dad and so many other things. It also meant that it was really hard.

Don't get me wrong, I was so happy for my friends, but it was hard. So hard. I don't really know how to explain it other than to say I was excited for them, but sad for myself. I was in the middle of grieving infertility. I wanted to be announcing my pregnancy, having my own gender reveal party and baby shower and having people come visit me and my new bundle of joy, but I wasn't able to. So how do you be sensitive to women who want what you are experiencing?

Let me offer this advice to you:

*If you find out you are pregnant, I beg you, please don't tell your friend going through infertility the big news in public. As happy as I was for my friends, I'm pretty sure I cried every time one of them told me they were pregnant. Again, happy for them, sad for me-that may sound selfish and maybe it is, but it was just reality for me.

Like I said, many of my friends got pregnant while we were going through infertility. I so appreciated the fact that before they made their big announcement (at a party or in a public setting) many of my friends called me to tell me. It gave me time to process the news and cry. Then when we were at the party or the announcement was made I could deal. I didn't have to go to the bathroom and pull myself together or leave the event all together. 

*In regards to gender reveals, baby showers, hospital visits and bringing meals-let your friend going through infertility off the hook. To be quite honest, those events can be quite tortuous. I hope you hear my heart on this. I am in no way trying to be selfish or say selfishness is okay, but there are just a whole slew of emotions that come along with infertility and it just takes a while to work through those. These events just add whole different dimension to the emotions being experienced. The level of happiness you are experiencing is equal to the amount of pain your friend is feeling.

If you're friend is not at one of your parties/showers or doesn't come to visit you at the hospital or doesn't sign up to bring you a meal, be understanding. It doesn't mean she's not excited for you, she may just be having a bad day/week/month and just can't face it. Sometimes I felt like if I went to a shower I may have an emotional break down so it was just better for me not to go. Sometimes I felt so sad about our infertility that I could barely get a meal on my own table, much less anyone else's. Sometimes if a friend just had a baby, we may have just gotten some more bad news and I just needed to work through that before I could come hold her baby without bawling my eyes out.

On another note, if you know a friend going through infertility and she does come to the events (many times I was okay to go to the events, sometimes I wasn't), help her out. Talk to her about her life-her time in the word, her work, any fun things she's done recently, etc. That takes the focus a little bit off the fact that she's at a party/shower that she may not necessarily feel comfortable at.


I hope all of this makes sense and you hear my heart on it. Infertility is hard and your friends going through it need your help. It really is a time of grieving, I think the more you can understand that, the more you're equipped to love and serve your friend going through infertility. 

Kaleigh Month 7

I keep telling people Kaleigh is 6 months old...not true, she's 7 months old! She is getting so big and is starting to get a little personality. This was a month of "firsts" for us. It's so fun watching her grow! We love this little girl so much and are incredibly thankful for her! Here is our month in review:

 

We started off this month by visiting some sweet friends. I haven't seen Taylor in about a year and half and in that time she had Raye and we got Kaleigh so neither of us had met each others daughters. It was such a sweet time and I'm so thankful for Taylor! We also got to see the Cazee's and Lily, but we forgot to take pictures-boo!

 Besties

Raye loved "leading" Kaleigh around and Kaleigh thought it was hillarious

We took Kaleigh by Heath's Alma Mater-USI

That same weekend we went to the Cooper's lake house and Kaleigh had her first time in the pool. She loved splashing around in the kiddie pool. She HATED the pontoon boat-I think we lasted about 3 minutes. It was such a fun day at the lake with our small group though!

She had her first time in the swing thanks to the Blair's. She loved it a lot!

Heath and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary. I love this man!! 

She's learning to sit up all by herself! She's getting really good! 

 I got this jumper for $3 at a yard sale. BEST $3 I have EVER spent!! She loves this thing and goes totally crazy jumping in it! She just laughs and laughs and jumps and jumps

Saturday morning at the Farmer's Market!

Poppy and Nonnie came for a last minute visit!! We love it when they come!

Kaleigh liked drinking water. Then Mommy found out it had Sweet and Low in it and ruined all her fun!

She found her feet!

The Cremeens came to visit. Liam may or may not have asked Heath for Kaleigh's hand in marriage! I'm totally down with that. We love the Cremeens so much and are so thankful for the depth of friendship we have with them. 

Looking cute in her tutu! 

Our church had a family day at Spring Hill camp. It was a lot of fun. Kaleigh liked the lake!

This big girl sat up in the cart by herself for the first time!

For some reason these are terrible quality, but 7 months!! It's gone by so fast!

 This little girl is such a blessing!

We had a busy month!! This month has also been interesting in the fact that Kaleigh has begun to test the boundaries with us (ex. hitting, kicking, spitting food, etc) It's been a challenge for me to know when she's doing it on purpose and when it's an accident. Needless to say, I have been learning A LOT!

Things she is doing:
*sitting up
*still trying new foods-she likes squash, peas, applesauce, peaches; she does not like sweet potatoes, carrots and she thinks bananas are ok
*saying mamamamama and dadaadadada and bababababa-she has no idea what she's saying, but it's cute none the less; for some reason when she says dadadada it's really high pitched and cute but when it's mamamama it's in a really deep voice and so not cute-ha!!

Things she likes:
*her jumper! seriously the best $3 ever
*she's really getting into toys-she loves picking up different toys and playing with them
*she has 2 dolls that she loves to hold onto
*being in the pool/water

Things she dislikes:
*she still hates not getting her way-haha! she has become quite opinionated on how she thinks things should go
*sleeping in :( she use to wake up between 8 and 8:30, now it's typically between 6 and 7-sad day for this mamma!

This month has not been the easiest, but it still has been so fun and it has made me realize over and over again what a blessing she truly is. We are in love!!

Kaleigh 6 months

Has it really already been 6 months? We love this little girl so much! This month has been such a joy to see her little personality start to develop. She laughs and smiles all the time and is generally a really good baby. Here is our month in review:

My first birthday to celebrate with Kaleigh

Kaleigh saying "Happy Birthday!"

Heath and I got to get away for a day to celebrate my birthday. I'm so thankful for him!

Heath's first Father's Day. He is such a great dad. Kaleigh loves him so much and almost always smiles when he comes into the room. 

I just love this picture!

Starting to want to stand all.the.time (obviously she needs support)

Started wanting to hold her own bottle. She is by far not a pro at this and gets easily distracted, but she likes to try. Just another sign my baby is growing up. 

My sweet friend Annie came to visit. This is a girl I got to help grow in her walk with the Lord while I was at Murray State. Now she is doing the same thing at UNT. So thankful for her!

First real food!

Checking Poppy out when he came to visit. (we don't have any pictures with Nonnie but she came to visit too!)

Gearing up for football season! Go Vols!

She loves to grab my face....a lot!

Just being cute!

Our little firecracker!

First 4th of July!

 6 months old!!

Getting so big!!

Things she is doing:

*squealing as her form of "talking" 

*she started sucking her thumb (not always, but sometimes)

*started eating food....avocado is ok, HATES sweet potatoes, LOVES peas (gross!)

*sit up with just a little assistance

Things she likes:

*she still loves her play mat-that thing is a life saver!

*sitting in her Bumbo and looking out the window

*she's still a big fan of walks

*laughing

*smiling

Things she dislikes:

*not getting her way-ha! (side note-when my dad came he brought my baby book and one of the things it says is that if I didn't get my way I would hit my head on the ground-hmmmm maybe Kaleigh is a bit like me!)

*she really is a happy baby so there isn't much she dislikes, unless you count sweet potatoes-she cried and spit and threw a fit when I tried to get her to eat them!

We love this little girl and cannot believe she is 6 months old. We are so blessed to be her parents!!

Kaleigh Month 5

Didn't I just post her month 4 blog yesterday? I mean seriously, where does the time go? Here's the recap:

My first Mother's Day! 

I am so grateful to have been given the privilege to be the mommy to this sweet girl. I have said it before, but I also know there is another woman who carried this child for 9 months, gave birth to her and then entrusted her to us. We will be forever grateful. Words cannot describe! 

Kaleigh got to see the Arch for the first time! Haha! 

But seriously, we went to St. Louis and spent the weekend with some great friends of ours. They have 3 girls and they were so sweet with Kaleigh. It was such a fun weekend!

Kaleigh and Elodie (future college roommates and BFF's) got to meet for the first time. She is the sweet daughter of our dear friends Andrew and Ashley. We were so thankful to get to see them even though the time was too short!

First cousin sleep over!! The Buckles came and spent the night with us! Not the most flattering pic of Kaleigh but it looks like she's cracking up at Graham. 

This girl started rolling over! She doesn't like to do it and therefore doesn't do it very often, but hey at least she did it. Belly to back-still working on back to belly. 

We go for LOTS of walks. At night she has a hard time before bed time, but nothing a walk can't fix. This girl loves going for walks. And when you go for walks you gotta wear your cool shades!

She loves her daddy!

On our trip to TN (see previous post), she sat in a high chair for the first time!

5 months old!! She didn't want to smile :)

Things she is doing:

*"talking" a lot (especially in the morning)

*putting everything in her mouth

*she started sucking her fingers

*blowing bubbles

*rolling over!!

Things she likes:

*being outside

*her toy that looks like a monkey

*Humpty Dumpty-it almost always gets her to stop crying and puts a smile on her face

*she loves to "stand up"

Things she dislikes:

*honestly there's not a lot right now she doesn't like!

So thankful for this sweet girl and that she's on this beautiful journey with us!