Where We Are

It's been almost 3 months since the boys were born, since we found out we wouldn't be adopting them. There is not one day that goes by that I don't think about them and wonder how they are doing, how their mom is doing. There's not one day that my heart doesn't ache over the loss we experienced in this failed adoption.

The first 3 weeks or so after we found out we weren't getting them were awful-more so than words could ever describe. Then it got better. It's not that I wasn't sad anymore or that I didn't hurt any more, it just wasn't as intense. Then it hit me all over again. I was talking to a friend about it and she said it reminded her about a blog post she read about the waves of grief. I could instantly connect to what she was describing.

The first 3 weeks it felt like we were in a hurricane-wave after wave crashing down. Then when it got better- it felt like we were in calmer waters. There were small waves, daily waves, that hit but nothing that knocked you over. Then the big waves started again. You know how it is when you're in the ocean. You're standing there just enjoying the water when all of a sudden a wave comes that just knocks you down. Maybe there are several waves like that, maybe there is just one, but you just weren't expecting it so you didn't brace yourself and then down you go. That's how these last few weeks have felt. I knew I wasn't "over it" (and I don't know if I ever fully will be), but I just didn't expect the grief to come crashing down again. I'm glad my friend referenced the waves of grief blog she read because it is so helpful for me to put a name to what I'm feeling and realizing that I'm probably not done experiencing crashing waves so I won't be surprised when it happens again.

We are also learning a lot about ourselves and about what we believe about God. To be honest, it is a struggle to trust His character. When we were going through infertility I had a hard time reconciling what I knew to be true about God and what I felt. It feels like I am going through the same thing again. I know God is good, but it doesn't feel like He is good. I know He is faithful but it doesn't feel like He is faithful. I realized as I was having my quiet time the other day that I'm almost waiting for Him to give us a baby and then I will believe those things. I will hold that baby and think back and see that He was being good and faithful to us in this and I will believe. What I'm realizing is that I shouldn't and don't want to wait until He gives me what I want to believe those things. I need to believe those things today because they are true today. A baby won't change His character.

As far as the adoption, we called a few weeks ago and they told us our book is being looked at and there is nothing we should change. As summer comes to a close, we will probably update our book because Kaleigh looks older now (I'm sorry but when did my baby turn into a little girl!! She seems so big to me) and we will put our family vacations from this spring/summer in there. We are just waiting and trying to trust His timing.

Again I will say that Kaleigh has been such a huge huge blessing to us in all of this. We just love her so much and are so thankful for her. She is at a really fun age where she communicates with us and we can have actual conversations with her. She has healed so many of the hurt places not just with infertility but with this failed adoption as well. We are forever grateful for her.