Time for an update!! A few posts back I talked again about our adoption and how we had 18 no's. That number is now up to 27. So that means 27 times we have had our book shown to an expectant mom and 27 times they have chosen another family. 27 times is a lot. It's almost become a joke to us (inasmuch as it can be) by us saying "27th time is the charm." I'm pretty sure we started saying that back in the teens sometime. It's funny but it's not. I think it probably comes more from a cynical heart. Someone asked me the other day where I was in my heart with it all and I said every time we present I just assume we won't get chosen. To be honest it's hard to know how to process it all. Of course I know the truth-that God can provide for us at any time and in any way that He wants to, but it just doesn't seem like He will.
We are to the point in our process where we said we would re-evaluate and see if we wanted to continue with the adoption process or to just be done. We ended up having a conversation about it in June and realized that we would not have to pay any additional fees to keep going until the end of January, so we have decided to go until January and if God has not provided for us by then, we will be done.
I obviously have mixed feelings about this. Part of me is so thankful to have an end date in mind. Like I talked about in the last update I gave, adoption is so so draining and it feels good to have an end date to the draining. With that though I am fully aware that January may come and we may not be matched/have a baby. I know if that happens it will be a death of a dream for me. There will be a season of grieving and grieving is never fun. It's never fun to die to something that you so strongly desire. I can tell God is preparing me for the possibility of that. I feel more okay in my heart if God is saying no. My constant prayer is "God, help me want what You want more than I want what I want."
I'm still hopeful that God will provide a baby for us. I'm still hopeful that His answer isn't no, but just wait. I'm still hopeful that one day we will have another baby in our home. For now though, I will thank God for the two amazing children He has given us and continue to try to love and serve them the best way I possibly can.
Friday, August 10, 2018
Sunday, May 27, 2018
All Things?
Weird title for a blog post right? Let me explain. The last few months our pastors have been preaching through the book of Romans. When they announced they were going to preach through it I decided I would study Romans in my personal Bible time too. This week in my Bible time I reached the verse that many people know and many people quote. Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I'm sure you've heard it, even if only in part or a paraphrase. It's a go-to phrase for times of grief and trial.
I've read this verse more times than I can count, I memorized it, I have reminded myself of the truth in it, but I have often questioned it. These last few months have carried some heavy things for me and not just things that are happening to me, but things that are happening to those I know- friends losing their spouses way too early, friends going through miscarriage, friends losing their children to terrible diseases, dear friends getting a diagnosis that doesn't have a good prognosis, friends getting the news that their desire to start or grow their family just may not happen and the list goes on. That's my friends. I've had my own things going on too-we are up to 21 no's in the adoption process (see my last post for how I feel about that). It's been heavy y'all.
And then there's this verse-God works all things for the good. All things? Really? To be honest, it just doesn't seem like it. How are those things good? This time around though I realized something that I had never really thought about before. God's definition of good and my definition of good are not always the same. He's not saying here that all things are good, but that all things work for the good. And what is His definition of good? His definition of good is me becoming more like Jesus. At the end of all these bad things, if I am more like Him then that's a good thing. God does not delight in seeing me or anyone else suffer in this world, but He does delight in me becoming more like Him. And that's good. My definition of good is often circumstantial- no cancer, no disease, getting to have a baby when you want one, etc. God's definition of good is about my character- more holiness, more righteousness, more like Jesus. I had never made that connection before. I think I always thought of it as at the end of bad circumstances there will be some good circumstance to come of it, but that's not what it's saying. That obviously can happen- I think about our infertility and how if that had never happened we wouldn't have our two precious children, so yes, good things happen out of hard circumstances, but that's not the totality of what this verse is saying. What it's saying is that the most precious thing to be gained is to be more like Jesus.
The question now becomes do I want what God wants more than I want what I want? Am I more interested in getting the good circumstances or do I want to be more like Jesus? Am I ok with being like Jesus being the good thing? Hard questions, but necessary.
I'm not naive enough to think that everyone reading this is a Christ follower or believes the Bible is true. If that's you, let me say this-I know that this may not make sense to you. I didn't become a Christian until I was 19 so I would have thought this was crazy talk if I would have heard it before then. My challenge to you would be to read the book of John and see who Jesus really is because I think our society has made it really hard to know who He really is, so I ask you to find out for yourself. I'd love to talk to you more about it if you do decide to find out who He really is.
I can see in my life how difficult times have grown me and grown my faith and made me more like Jesus. And for that I am thankful, even when the hard stuff continues to be hard.
I've read this verse more times than I can count, I memorized it, I have reminded myself of the truth in it, but I have often questioned it. These last few months have carried some heavy things for me and not just things that are happening to me, but things that are happening to those I know- friends losing their spouses way too early, friends going through miscarriage, friends losing their children to terrible diseases, dear friends getting a diagnosis that doesn't have a good prognosis, friends getting the news that their desire to start or grow their family just may not happen and the list goes on. That's my friends. I've had my own things going on too-we are up to 21 no's in the adoption process (see my last post for how I feel about that). It's been heavy y'all.
And then there's this verse-God works all things for the good. All things? Really? To be honest, it just doesn't seem like it. How are those things good? This time around though I realized something that I had never really thought about before. God's definition of good and my definition of good are not always the same. He's not saying here that all things are good, but that all things work for the good. And what is His definition of good? His definition of good is me becoming more like Jesus. At the end of all these bad things, if I am more like Him then that's a good thing. God does not delight in seeing me or anyone else suffer in this world, but He does delight in me becoming more like Him. And that's good. My definition of good is often circumstantial- no cancer, no disease, getting to have a baby when you want one, etc. God's definition of good is about my character- more holiness, more righteousness, more like Jesus. I had never made that connection before. I think I always thought of it as at the end of bad circumstances there will be some good circumstance to come of it, but that's not what it's saying. That obviously can happen- I think about our infertility and how if that had never happened we wouldn't have our two precious children, so yes, good things happen out of hard circumstances, but that's not the totality of what this verse is saying. What it's saying is that the most precious thing to be gained is to be more like Jesus.
The question now becomes do I want what God wants more than I want what I want? Am I more interested in getting the good circumstances or do I want to be more like Jesus? Am I ok with being like Jesus being the good thing? Hard questions, but necessary.
I'm not naive enough to think that everyone reading this is a Christ follower or believes the Bible is true. If that's you, let me say this-I know that this may not make sense to you. I didn't become a Christian until I was 19 so I would have thought this was crazy talk if I would have heard it before then. My challenge to you would be to read the book of John and see who Jesus really is because I think our society has made it really hard to know who He really is, so I ask you to find out for yourself. I'd love to talk to you more about it if you do decide to find out who He really is.
I can see in my life how difficult times have grown me and grown my faith and made me more like Jesus. And for that I am thankful, even when the hard stuff continues to be hard.
Friday, May 11, 2018
When Mother's Day is Sad
Every year I repost a blog I did a few years ago about Mother’s Day, but this year I decided to write a different one.
Mother’s Day is a wonderful holiday and for sure needs to be celebrated. Let’s face it being a mom is hard work. Just this past week Heath was out of town so I was solo parenting. Let me just pause there and give a huge shout out to single moms, moms whose husbands are in the military and any other situation where you find yourself solo mom-ing it. You're a rock star. Anyway Heath was out of town and one night I put my kids to bed at 6:25 because I just couldn’t do it for one more second. So yeah, it’s hard work. It’s also one of the greatest joys of my life. I love these kids so so so much. I want to be celebrated as a mom!
At the same time Mother’s Day is really sad for me and I know it's sad for others.
When I was 15 my mom passed away from a battle with cancer. Words cannot express how badly I wish she were here to celebrate, to be celebrated by her grandkids. I was just thinking the other day how much she would love them! So even though I will be celebrating this weekend, there will also be a bit of sadness that comes along with it.
I have a few friends who have lost their moms this past year and I have been thinking all week how hard it is going to be for them. This Mother’s Day will be sad for them.
Another way it’s sad is that even though I’m already a mother I still have the desire to have more kids and that is just not my reality right now and I’m not sure if it ever will be my reality. I’m unbelievably thankful for the children the Lord has provided for us, but there’s still the hope for more that just isn’t fulfilled yet and that makes me sad.
There are SO many women around me who are struggling with infertility or who have experienced the pain of a miscarriage. Mother’s Day is sad for them and it makes me sad for them too. It’s not a pity for them, just a sadness knowing that either they so desperately want to be a mom and can’t be or they thought that through this holiday there would be another child-either pregnant, having the child already or bringing one home through adoption. Those women will be sad on Sunday.
For others, there is an estranged relationship with their mom. Mother’s Day is a day that brings sadness because the relationship they want just is never going to be a reality. Maybe the day brings up bitterness and anger instead of joy and celebration.
I say all this to say, this Mother’s Day as you celebrate the mother’s in life or are celebrated yourself, be aware that for some people Mother’s Day is a sad day. For me, it’s a mixture of emotions and for many others it probably is too. My advice would be to know there are women around you in each of these categories and that are sad-look for opportunities to love on those women around you who may be sad on Mother’s Day.
Mother’s Day is a wonderful holiday and for sure needs to be celebrated. Let’s face it being a mom is hard work. Just this past week Heath was out of town so I was solo parenting. Let me just pause there and give a huge shout out to single moms, moms whose husbands are in the military and any other situation where you find yourself solo mom-ing it. You're a rock star. Anyway Heath was out of town and one night I put my kids to bed at 6:25 because I just couldn’t do it for one more second. So yeah, it’s hard work. It’s also one of the greatest joys of my life. I love these kids so so so much. I want to be celebrated as a mom!
At the same time Mother’s Day is really sad for me and I know it's sad for others.
When I was 15 my mom passed away from a battle with cancer. Words cannot express how badly I wish she were here to celebrate, to be celebrated by her grandkids. I was just thinking the other day how much she would love them! So even though I will be celebrating this weekend, there will also be a bit of sadness that comes along with it.
I have a few friends who have lost their moms this past year and I have been thinking all week how hard it is going to be for them. This Mother’s Day will be sad for them.
Another way it’s sad is that even though I’m already a mother I still have the desire to have more kids and that is just not my reality right now and I’m not sure if it ever will be my reality. I’m unbelievably thankful for the children the Lord has provided for us, but there’s still the hope for more that just isn’t fulfilled yet and that makes me sad.
There are SO many women around me who are struggling with infertility or who have experienced the pain of a miscarriage. Mother’s Day is sad for them and it makes me sad for them too. It’s not a pity for them, just a sadness knowing that either they so desperately want to be a mom and can’t be or they thought that through this holiday there would be another child-either pregnant, having the child already or bringing one home through adoption. Those women will be sad on Sunday.
For others, there is an estranged relationship with their mom. Mother’s Day is a day that brings sadness because the relationship they want just is never going to be a reality. Maybe the day brings up bitterness and anger instead of joy and celebration.
I say all this to say, this Mother’s Day as you celebrate the mother’s in life or are celebrated yourself, be aware that for some people Mother’s Day is a sad day. For me, it’s a mixture of emotions and for many others it probably is too. My advice would be to know there are women around you in each of these categories and that are sad-look for opportunities to love on those women around you who may be sad on Mother’s Day.
Saturday, April 14, 2018
Adoption Round 3
It has been a L-O-N-G time since I have posted on here. Some of it is because I have a 5 and 4 year old and life is busy. Most of it is because I just haven't known what to say.
I realized a few months ago that a lot of people don't even know we are in the process of adopting again. I realize I have only made one post about it so let me get everyone on the same page. When Kaleigh was 18 months old we decided to start the adoption process again. We quickly got chosen for twin boys however on the day they were born their mom changed her mind and we were heartbroken. We continued again in the adoption process and waited and waited and waited some more. In November of 2016 God gave us the gift of fostering to adopt through a set of crazy (totally from God) circumstances. There is a blog post about it if you want to read that story here
http://heathandmaryleslie.blogspot.com/2016/12/when-god-writes-your-story.html. Because of that, our newborn adoption got put on hold. In May of 2017 we officially adopted Brayden. In August of 2017 we decided to change adoption agencies and go back to working with Christian Adoption Consultants (who we used when we adopted Kaleigh). And that brings us to today.
This third adoption has been a lot different for us. For one, we have 2 kids that keep us busy so we are not dwelling on adoption 100% of the time-it's more like 95%. But seriously, when we didn't have any kids and never knew if we would have any kids, that is pretty much the only thing I thought about. Now, my mind is more divided because I'm focusing on raising tiny humans. Another way that it's different is that we went through the failed adoption with the twins so the fear of that is always lingering close to the surface. With our first, and even in some ways our second (until the moment we weren't), we were blissfully naive as to the deep deep hurt and pain and grief of a failed adoption. Now we know. And now we are terrified of it happening again.
In domestic adoption you do what's called "presenting" which means the adoption agency shows your profile book (think a Shutterfly book telling about your whole life in 20 pages) to an expectant mother and then you get a yes or no. If it's a yes that's called matched and you wait until baby is born and then that's called placement. Adoption is a whole new world if you didn't know and it has a whole new language that you have to learn!
During this third adoption we have had our book presented 18 times and we have gotten 18 no's. That's not a typo...18 times. You probably have no words, neither do I.
Okay maybe I have a few. It has been super hard. SUPER HARD. A lot of my friends often ask me how I am doing and after this last time, my response was "I'm over it." I'm not bitter and I'm not mad, I'm just over it. I was talking to a friend last night who just adopted and we were talking about the cost of adoption. And I'm not just talking financially-which is unbelievable in and of itself. But I was talking with her more about the cost on your emotions and on your marriage (don't worry Heath and I are fine) and on your family and on your mind and on your thought life and.....you get the point. The cost is much much more than a financial cost. And don't hear me say it's not worth it, it is, but it comes at a steep cost. So I'm over it. Now that doesn't mean we aren't going to pursue adoption anymore, I'm just over it-does that make sense? Probably not.
One thing recently that I have been wrestling with is this: is God saying no? Is he saying that's it for you. You have 2 beautiful, wonderful, amazing children and that's all I want for you. Or is He just saying wait? I don't know the answer to that.
So what's that mean for now. It means we will keep having our profile book presented, keep "putting our yes" on the table and wait and see what the Lord does. We have decided that in August (after a year) if we still have not been matched, we will reevaluate and see if we want to continue on or not.
In all of this, I know God is with us. I know He is for us and has good, good plans for us. I know He is sovereign and faithful to us. I know He can see way more than I can see. I know He knows what is the very best for me, Heath, our kids and every child that is born. I know all of these things. However, I feel like I'm living the verse "I believe, but help my unbelief"(Mark 9:24). I believe those things are true but I often don't believe so I'm asking God to help me believe. And I know He can.
Things to be praying for us:
1. That we would believe God and His character.
2. That we would patiently wait and trust His timing in this.
3. That God would provide a baby for us.
I realized a few months ago that a lot of people don't even know we are in the process of adopting again. I realize I have only made one post about it so let me get everyone on the same page. When Kaleigh was 18 months old we decided to start the adoption process again. We quickly got chosen for twin boys however on the day they were born their mom changed her mind and we were heartbroken. We continued again in the adoption process and waited and waited and waited some more. In November of 2016 God gave us the gift of fostering to adopt through a set of crazy (totally from God) circumstances. There is a blog post about it if you want to read that story here
http://heathandmaryleslie.blogspot.com/2016/12/when-god-writes-your-story.html. Because of that, our newborn adoption got put on hold. In May of 2017 we officially adopted Brayden. In August of 2017 we decided to change adoption agencies and go back to working with Christian Adoption Consultants (who we used when we adopted Kaleigh). And that brings us to today.
This third adoption has been a lot different for us. For one, we have 2 kids that keep us busy so we are not dwelling on adoption 100% of the time-it's more like 95%. But seriously, when we didn't have any kids and never knew if we would have any kids, that is pretty much the only thing I thought about. Now, my mind is more divided because I'm focusing on raising tiny humans. Another way that it's different is that we went through the failed adoption with the twins so the fear of that is always lingering close to the surface. With our first, and even in some ways our second (until the moment we weren't), we were blissfully naive as to the deep deep hurt and pain and grief of a failed adoption. Now we know. And now we are terrified of it happening again.
In domestic adoption you do what's called "presenting" which means the adoption agency shows your profile book (think a Shutterfly book telling about your whole life in 20 pages) to an expectant mother and then you get a yes or no. If it's a yes that's called matched and you wait until baby is born and then that's called placement. Adoption is a whole new world if you didn't know and it has a whole new language that you have to learn!
During this third adoption we have had our book presented 18 times and we have gotten 18 no's. That's not a typo...18 times. You probably have no words, neither do I.
Okay maybe I have a few. It has been super hard. SUPER HARD. A lot of my friends often ask me how I am doing and after this last time, my response was "I'm over it." I'm not bitter and I'm not mad, I'm just over it. I was talking to a friend last night who just adopted and we were talking about the cost of adoption. And I'm not just talking financially-which is unbelievable in and of itself. But I was talking with her more about the cost on your emotions and on your marriage (don't worry Heath and I are fine) and on your family and on your mind and on your thought life and.....you get the point. The cost is much much more than a financial cost. And don't hear me say it's not worth it, it is, but it comes at a steep cost. So I'm over it. Now that doesn't mean we aren't going to pursue adoption anymore, I'm just over it-does that make sense? Probably not.
One thing recently that I have been wrestling with is this: is God saying no? Is he saying that's it for you. You have 2 beautiful, wonderful, amazing children and that's all I want for you. Or is He just saying wait? I don't know the answer to that.
So what's that mean for now. It means we will keep having our profile book presented, keep "putting our yes" on the table and wait and see what the Lord does. We have decided that in August (after a year) if we still have not been matched, we will reevaluate and see if we want to continue on or not.
In all of this, I know God is with us. I know He is for us and has good, good plans for us. I know He is sovereign and faithful to us. I know He can see way more than I can see. I know He knows what is the very best for me, Heath, our kids and every child that is born. I know all of these things. However, I feel like I'm living the verse "I believe, but help my unbelief"(Mark 9:24). I believe those things are true but I often don't believe so I'm asking God to help me believe. And I know He can.
Things to be praying for us:
1. That we would believe God and His character.
2. That we would patiently wait and trust His timing in this.
3. That God would provide a baby for us.
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