The past few weeks have been just plain hard. Don't get me wrong, I so enjoyed seeing our families over Christmas and I was able to reflect on Christ and all He's done for me, but at the same time it's been hard. Intellectually I know that God is allowing me not to have a baby for His glory and my good, but it's just hard to wrap my heart around that. I confess I have doubted God's character so much in the past few weeks. I know the truth intellectually, but it's so hard to get it to translate down to my heart.
One thing that's been comforting to me during this is the thought that God goes before me. I know this to be true because I see it in my very salvation. I wanted little to do with God. I wanted to live my life by my rules and did not want to play by His. But God went before me, even in hard stuff. He was continually drawing me to Himself. There's a song called "All I have is Christ" and one of the lines says "and if He had not loved me first, I would refuse Him still." God went before me in loving me. He loved me and poured out His grace on my life thus drawing me to Himself. He has not changed. He is going before me in this season of infertility. Even when I don't understand and I have more questions than answers, I can be sure of this. He is going before me. No matter where this journey leads, He is before me. I can take confidence in that.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Christ
This post has nothing to do with infertility, but since it's Christmas week, I thought I'd share what's been on my heart. Christ is the reason we celebrate Christmas. You're probably thinking to yourself "duh!" But this year it has been especially hard for me to focus on Christ during this season. I don't know what it is. Maybe because I'm use to being home with my family by this time and I'm not there yet, or maybe because I waited until 3 days ago to do my shopping (yes, I was "that girl"), or maybe it's because Heath and I have been working a lot. I don't know what it is but I am just not in the Christmas mind set and I am definitely having a hard time focusing on Christ.
It seems like I just have easily gotten wrapped up in the commercialism of Christmas-making my list for what I want, getting people things I think they want, going to Christmas parties. This is not how I want my Christmas to look. I want to remember and meditate on "The Word became flesh and dwelled among us." John 1:14. That is the reason we have Christmas, that is the real reason we celebrate Christmas. It is for me to celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior. The One who knew no sin but became sin for me (2 Cor. 5:21) He came to Earth as a human only to die so that I could have life in heaven. Now that's something worth celebrating. I love this quote by Tim Keller "Christmas is telling you that you could never get to heaven on your own. God had to come to you." That' what I want to think about when I think of Christmas.
I pray for myself, and for you, that this Christmas our focus will be on Christ. He truly is the reason for the season.
It seems like I just have easily gotten wrapped up in the commercialism of Christmas-making my list for what I want, getting people things I think they want, going to Christmas parties. This is not how I want my Christmas to look. I want to remember and meditate on "The Word became flesh and dwelled among us." John 1:14. That is the reason we have Christmas, that is the real reason we celebrate Christmas. It is for me to celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior. The One who knew no sin but became sin for me (2 Cor. 5:21) He came to Earth as a human only to die so that I could have life in heaven. Now that's something worth celebrating. I love this quote by Tim Keller "Christmas is telling you that you could never get to heaven on your own. God had to come to you." That' what I want to think about when I think of Christmas.
I pray for myself, and for you, that this Christmas our focus will be on Christ. He truly is the reason for the season.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Faith
"Now faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see" Hebrews 11:1
Hebrews 11 not only defines what faith is, but gives us examples of men and women who have gone before us. I have to admit when I read Hebrews 11 I get a little awe struck. You have Enoch who is described in the words "he walked with God" and was called immediately into heaven. Then there's Noah who for 120 years built an ark even though he'd never seen a rain drop in his life. Moses who chose to be mistreated with his people than to be treated like a prince, led the people out of Egypt and parted the Red Sea. You can't forget Abraham who left everything he knew to go somewhere (he didn't know where he was going, he just obeyed God), waited years and years for a child and then was told to sacrifice that child (even though God spared him of that, he was still obedient to do it) And that's just a few of the people talked about. There faith was unbelievable.
Today though, as I was studying this at my weekly Bible study, I realized something-all of these people are just ordinary people who chose to believe God's promises and to be obedient to Him even if they didn't understand. There was nothing superhuman about them, there was something supernatural. That's when it struck me. I can do the same thing as them. I can believe God's promises and be obedient to Him even when I don't understand.
My biggest struggle through all of the infertility stuff has been a battle of unbelief-to really trust God and His promises. That's why this revelation was so sweet to me today. I pray that God will make me, an ordinary person, a great woman of faith. That I will really believe His promises and obey Him no matter what. I need God's grace to be able to do this. Will you please join me in praying this for my life and for yours? Let's be a people who take God at His word and act in obedience!
Hebrews 11 not only defines what faith is, but gives us examples of men and women who have gone before us. I have to admit when I read Hebrews 11 I get a little awe struck. You have Enoch who is described in the words "he walked with God" and was called immediately into heaven. Then there's Noah who for 120 years built an ark even though he'd never seen a rain drop in his life. Moses who chose to be mistreated with his people than to be treated like a prince, led the people out of Egypt and parted the Red Sea. You can't forget Abraham who left everything he knew to go somewhere (he didn't know where he was going, he just obeyed God), waited years and years for a child and then was told to sacrifice that child (even though God spared him of that, he was still obedient to do it) And that's just a few of the people talked about. There faith was unbelievable.
Today though, as I was studying this at my weekly Bible study, I realized something-all of these people are just ordinary people who chose to believe God's promises and to be obedient to Him even if they didn't understand. There was nothing superhuman about them, there was something supernatural. That's when it struck me. I can do the same thing as them. I can believe God's promises and be obedient to Him even when I don't understand.
My biggest struggle through all of the infertility stuff has been a battle of unbelief-to really trust God and His promises. That's why this revelation was so sweet to me today. I pray that God will make me, an ordinary person, a great woman of faith. That I will really believe His promises and obey Him no matter what. I need God's grace to be able to do this. Will you please join me in praying this for my life and for yours? Let's be a people who take God at His word and act in obedience!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Apathy
Apathetic would be a good way to describe how I have felt the last few weeks. Apathetic about God's word, about prayer and just about life in general. The past few weeks have been good in the sense that we got to see both of our families over Thanksgiving (such a blessing!) and we got to see friends (and make some new ones!) last weekend when we went to KY for a wedding. I was really excited about both of those things, but other than that I just have felt apathetic.
Two nights ago Heath and I were laying in bed and I just confessed to him that I was struggling to desire God's word and that I went through most of the day without thinking about praying. I think I am just emotionally and spiritually tired. It is draining to me spiritually to continually fight the lies that are constantly bombarding my mind. It is draining to feel like I constantly need to be praying and asking God to work and move. I have really struggled with God the last few weeks.
Finally, yesterday, I got to get away for a little bit and spend some extended time in the word and prayer. Even though I don't necessarily desire those things right now, I know it's the best thing for me. Anyway, I just got away and asked God where He was and why He wasn't showing up in this situation. Those are tough questions to ask because the truth is He's right beside me and He is showing up, just not in the way I think He should. I got to read through some of the Psalms and pray through them. It was good for my heart. One verse that stuck out to me was Ps. 78:18 which says "They tested God in their heart by demanding the food they craved." Before you think I'm off my rocker because I have plenty of food, let me explain. He is talking about the Israelites here. He has just rescued them from Pharaoh, parted the Red Sea and provided for them in so many other ways. I read the account of the Israelites and I think "are they crazy? can't they see all God has done for them?" And then I realize I am just like them. If the verse were written about me it would say "Mary Leslie tested God in her heart by demanding the baby she craves." Ouch! I am just like them. I need to repent.
God used my day yesterday to begin to draw me out of my apathetic state of mind. It's still a struggle, but I see light at the end of the tunnel. I write all this to encourage any of you who are feeling apathetic in your walk with the Lord right now. Get some time with Him, even if you don't feel like it. Open up His word and let Him speak into your heart. I in no way think I am over my apathetic state, but it's a step in the right direction...on this beautiful journey.
Two nights ago Heath and I were laying in bed and I just confessed to him that I was struggling to desire God's word and that I went through most of the day without thinking about praying. I think I am just emotionally and spiritually tired. It is draining to me spiritually to continually fight the lies that are constantly bombarding my mind. It is draining to feel like I constantly need to be praying and asking God to work and move. I have really struggled with God the last few weeks.
Finally, yesterday, I got to get away for a little bit and spend some extended time in the word and prayer. Even though I don't necessarily desire those things right now, I know it's the best thing for me. Anyway, I just got away and asked God where He was and why He wasn't showing up in this situation. Those are tough questions to ask because the truth is He's right beside me and He is showing up, just not in the way I think He should. I got to read through some of the Psalms and pray through them. It was good for my heart. One verse that stuck out to me was Ps. 78:18 which says "They tested God in their heart by demanding the food they craved." Before you think I'm off my rocker because I have plenty of food, let me explain. He is talking about the Israelites here. He has just rescued them from Pharaoh, parted the Red Sea and provided for them in so many other ways. I read the account of the Israelites and I think "are they crazy? can't they see all God has done for them?" And then I realize I am just like them. If the verse were written about me it would say "Mary Leslie tested God in her heart by demanding the baby she craves." Ouch! I am just like them. I need to repent.
God used my day yesterday to begin to draw me out of my apathetic state of mind. It's still a struggle, but I see light at the end of the tunnel. I write all this to encourage any of you who are feeling apathetic in your walk with the Lord right now. Get some time with Him, even if you don't feel like it. Open up His word and let Him speak into your heart. I in no way think I am over my apathetic state, but it's a step in the right direction...on this beautiful journey.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
My Dream
Growing up I always knew one thing for sure: I wanted to be a mom. I love kids and have always loved kids. I use to beg my parents to let me help in the nursery during church. My dream was to get married and not too long afterwards start having children. Well, that dream is not my reality. My reality is that at this point I cannot have children. Yes, we are taking medicine that could work and we are doing everything we can, but even my doctor said at this point (until the medicine is regulated) it is not reasonable to think I will get pregnant. That's why I say at this point I can't. Anyway, I feel like in a lot of ways my dream has died. Let me explain...
Seventeen months ago when we decided to start trying to get pregnant I was beyond excited. This was it! My dream was coming true! We were going to get pregnant and have a baby! I knew it would probably take a few months so I didn't want to get over excited, but let's face it who wouldn't be excited to see their dream come true. Another dream I had was how fun it would be to tell our family and friends that we were pregnant. I thought about all kinds of fun ways we could tell them.
We told almost no one that we were trying for a long time. I wanted it to be a fun surprise for everyone. Well, that's two things it's most definitely not at this point 1) fun and 2) a surprise. This isn't fun anymore. It's hard. It hasn't been fun for a long time. I always dreamed of getting pregnant as such a fun thing and I feel like that dream is dead. I am in no way saying that I won't be beyond thrilled when we are pregnant, but it's not fun right now. I cry and crying isn't fun. I get jealous and jealousy isn't fun. I get angry and being angry isn't fun. This is just not fun. It's also not a surprise. Everyone and their mom now knows that we are trying. Heck I feel like everyone and their mom now knows my cycle. I feel like every month people are waiting to hear if I started or not (because they know when I should!) I know our families and friends will be so excited for us when we do, but I feel like in no way will it be a surprise to them. And I feel like that's a dead dream. My doctor tells me my dream is not dead, I will have children someday-either naturally or through adoption, but my dream feels dead. The way I always dreamed of it looking is dead.
I say all that (and I know it probably makes no sense) to be real and also to let you know why we didn't tell people for a long time. I know God will someday give us a beautiful child. I am praying during this season of my journey that God will give me a new dream.
Seventeen months ago when we decided to start trying to get pregnant I was beyond excited. This was it! My dream was coming true! We were going to get pregnant and have a baby! I knew it would probably take a few months so I didn't want to get over excited, but let's face it who wouldn't be excited to see their dream come true. Another dream I had was how fun it would be to tell our family and friends that we were pregnant. I thought about all kinds of fun ways we could tell them.
We told almost no one that we were trying for a long time. I wanted it to be a fun surprise for everyone. Well, that's two things it's most definitely not at this point 1) fun and 2) a surprise. This isn't fun anymore. It's hard. It hasn't been fun for a long time. I always dreamed of getting pregnant as such a fun thing and I feel like that dream is dead. I am in no way saying that I won't be beyond thrilled when we are pregnant, but it's not fun right now. I cry and crying isn't fun. I get jealous and jealousy isn't fun. I get angry and being angry isn't fun. This is just not fun. It's also not a surprise. Everyone and their mom now knows that we are trying. Heck I feel like everyone and their mom now knows my cycle. I feel like every month people are waiting to hear if I started or not (because they know when I should!) I know our families and friends will be so excited for us when we do, but I feel like in no way will it be a surprise to them. And I feel like that's a dead dream. My doctor tells me my dream is not dead, I will have children someday-either naturally or through adoption, but my dream feels dead. The way I always dreamed of it looking is dead.
I say all that (and I know it probably makes no sense) to be real and also to let you know why we didn't tell people for a long time. I know God will someday give us a beautiful child. I am praying during this season of my journey that God will give me a new dream.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thankfulness
Since it's about to be Thanksgiving I decided I would write about things that I am thankful for as we have gone through this part of our journey. Like I have said before, this part of our journey has been really, really hard for Heath and me, but even in the hard times we have much to be thankful for.
1. The gospel. I seriously don't know how people who aren't Christians can face infertility. I have needed to be reminded of the gospel so much in the last few months. To see how God provided for my greatest need in salvation, leads me to know He is providing for me now. To see how in a seemingly hopeless situation I have hope because of Christ is unbelievably comforting to me. I could go on and on but you get the drift.
2. Heath. I am so thankful to have a husband who loves me and supports me through this. Heath lets me cry, lets me be angry, lets me feel every emotion I have yet he continue to leads me back to truth. He prays for me and for us. Every night when he prays he asks God for babies. He shares God's word with me and pushes me to believe it. He loves me and tells me often. I won't bore you with it all but I am unbelievably privileged to be married to him.
3. Our families. We didn't tell our families for a long time what was going on (maybe later I'll post our reasons for that). When we did tell them they were so supportive of us. They continually ask us how it is going, ask us how we are doing, encourage us and just back us 100%. We are so thankful to have our families and to have their support.
4. Kari. As I mentioned in my first post moving to West Lafayette wasn't super easy for me, but God has provided a sweet friendship for me with Kari. Words cannot express how thankful I am for her. Our lives are pretty much identical-we both were on staff with CO for a while before we got married, we both moved here from the south, we both were friendless (for the most part) when we moved here, we got married within months of each other and were both still in college ministry when we met. Suffice it to say God provided for me in her. Through this season of my life she has listened to me, offered advice, pointed me to truth, prayed for me, texted me before and after almost every doctors visit, watched me "ugly cry" and has just supported me in ways I probably don't even know. I am beyond thankful for her friendship.
5. My small group girls (both new and old). These women have heard about our struggle with infertility for a long time. They have stood beside me and prayed for me. They have encouraged me and let me cry with them. They have invited me over to eat chocolate and cry! They have listened to me week after week describe my struggles and have let me struggle through it (in a good way). I am so thankful to have friendships with women who let me be me. Again, I don't think words can describe how thankful I am.
6. Our church. Kossuth Street Baptist Church is an unbelievable body of believers who love God and His word and strive to live in light of those two things. It is one of the main reasons we didn't want to leave West Lafayette. As we have gone through this struggle we have been surrounded by a body of believers who, although they don't know us that well, have come alongside us and are fighting this with us. We are also so thankful for Pastor Whipple's teaching each week that points us back to truth and encourages us to trust God.
7. Praying friends. We have lots of them! For a long time I would send out Facebook messages to my friends to update them on what was going on and how they could pray. Through those months I was continually receiving messages telling me they were praying for me and I could tell. I am so thankful for that group of women, as well as many others now that the news is more public, who have lifted Heath and me up in prayer.
This is a small list of things I am thankful for during this season. I know there are many more things to be thankful for and there is no doubt I left A LOT of things out. We are thankful. We are thankful that God is leading us on this journey and for the people He has placed around us on this part of our beautiful journey.
1. The gospel. I seriously don't know how people who aren't Christians can face infertility. I have needed to be reminded of the gospel so much in the last few months. To see how God provided for my greatest need in salvation, leads me to know He is providing for me now. To see how in a seemingly hopeless situation I have hope because of Christ is unbelievably comforting to me. I could go on and on but you get the drift.
2. Heath. I am so thankful to have a husband who loves me and supports me through this. Heath lets me cry, lets me be angry, lets me feel every emotion I have yet he continue to leads me back to truth. He prays for me and for us. Every night when he prays he asks God for babies. He shares God's word with me and pushes me to believe it. He loves me and tells me often. I won't bore you with it all but I am unbelievably privileged to be married to him.
3. Our families. We didn't tell our families for a long time what was going on (maybe later I'll post our reasons for that). When we did tell them they were so supportive of us. They continually ask us how it is going, ask us how we are doing, encourage us and just back us 100%. We are so thankful to have our families and to have their support.
4. Kari. As I mentioned in my first post moving to West Lafayette wasn't super easy for me, but God has provided a sweet friendship for me with Kari. Words cannot express how thankful I am for her. Our lives are pretty much identical-we both were on staff with CO for a while before we got married, we both moved here from the south, we both were friendless (for the most part) when we moved here, we got married within months of each other and were both still in college ministry when we met. Suffice it to say God provided for me in her. Through this season of my life she has listened to me, offered advice, pointed me to truth, prayed for me, texted me before and after almost every doctors visit, watched me "ugly cry" and has just supported me in ways I probably don't even know. I am beyond thankful for her friendship.
5. My small group girls (both new and old). These women have heard about our struggle with infertility for a long time. They have stood beside me and prayed for me. They have encouraged me and let me cry with them. They have invited me over to eat chocolate and cry! They have listened to me week after week describe my struggles and have let me struggle through it (in a good way). I am so thankful to have friendships with women who let me be me. Again, I don't think words can describe how thankful I am.
6. Our church. Kossuth Street Baptist Church is an unbelievable body of believers who love God and His word and strive to live in light of those two things. It is one of the main reasons we didn't want to leave West Lafayette. As we have gone through this struggle we have been surrounded by a body of believers who, although they don't know us that well, have come alongside us and are fighting this with us. We are also so thankful for Pastor Whipple's teaching each week that points us back to truth and encourages us to trust God.
7. Praying friends. We have lots of them! For a long time I would send out Facebook messages to my friends to update them on what was going on and how they could pray. Through those months I was continually receiving messages telling me they were praying for me and I could tell. I am so thankful for that group of women, as well as many others now that the news is more public, who have lifted Heath and me up in prayer.
This is a small list of things I am thankful for during this season. I know there are many more things to be thankful for and there is no doubt I left A LOT of things out. We are thankful. We are thankful that God is leading us on this journey and for the people He has placed around us on this part of our beautiful journey.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Truth vs. Feelings
The battle between the truth of God and my feelings has been one of the biggest battles I have faced throughout this process. I know the truth of God-He is good, He is faithful, He is kind and so much more. But in this season it has been hard for me to feel like He is being good to me or faithful to me or kind to me. I know God never forsakes me, but I feel forsaken. I know God hears my prayers, but I don't feel like He does. Sometimes I just feel like "God, where are you?"I don't feel like He is present.
I get so frustrated with myself because I know I should believe the truth. but it's just so hard for me sometimes. I have come to the point where I am okay with struggling with these things. In fact, I think it's good for me to struggle through these things. I see how God is using my questioning of His character to strengthen my walk with him. I am really having to "go there" in my heart and see where the unbelief lies. I feel like the man in the gospel accounts who said "I believe but help my unbelief." I believe those things to be true about God, but in my day to day life there is so much unbelief.
One Sunday in church we were singing "Great is Thy Faithfulness" and I just couldn't sing it. I didn't feel like God's faithfulness to me was great. That's when I remembered a quote from one of my favorite author's C.J. Mahaney. (Just a quick side note- I love C.J. Mahaney. I even have my picture with him! I have learned SO much from his books and his sermons. I am so thankful for his life. If you have never read anything by him, you should. If you live near me I'll even let you borrow my books!) Anyway, back to the point, in his book Living the Cross Centered Life he has a chapter titled "what I feel vs. what is real" Oh my has this chapter changed my thinking! He says when we encounter a verse or a truth about God our first question shouldn't be how do I feel about this, but is it true? So that day as I was sitting in church I was encountered with that question. I had to ask myself is this true? Is His faithfulness great? The answer in my mind was immediate-yes. Regardless of how I felt it didn't change the truth that God is faithful and His faithfulness is great. His faithfulness to me is great.
So I guess my point is, I will probably continue to struggle with this very issue as I continue along in this journey, but at the end of the day my prayer is that I will always be brought back to the truth and that no matter how I feel, I will cling to what is real. And what is real? God is good, He is faithful, He is kind, He has not forsaken me, He hears my prayers, He is ever-present, this list could go on forever. No matter where this journey takes me, the truth about Him never changes and I am going to hold fast to that.
I get so frustrated with myself because I know I should believe the truth. but it's just so hard for me sometimes. I have come to the point where I am okay with struggling with these things. In fact, I think it's good for me to struggle through these things. I see how God is using my questioning of His character to strengthen my walk with him. I am really having to "go there" in my heart and see where the unbelief lies. I feel like the man in the gospel accounts who said "I believe but help my unbelief." I believe those things to be true about God, but in my day to day life there is so much unbelief.
One Sunday in church we were singing "Great is Thy Faithfulness" and I just couldn't sing it. I didn't feel like God's faithfulness to me was great. That's when I remembered a quote from one of my favorite author's C.J. Mahaney. (Just a quick side note- I love C.J. Mahaney. I even have my picture with him! I have learned SO much from his books and his sermons. I am so thankful for his life. If you have never read anything by him, you should. If you live near me I'll even let you borrow my books!) Anyway, back to the point, in his book Living the Cross Centered Life he has a chapter titled "what I feel vs. what is real" Oh my has this chapter changed my thinking! He says when we encounter a verse or a truth about God our first question shouldn't be how do I feel about this, but is it true? So that day as I was sitting in church I was encountered with that question. I had to ask myself is this true? Is His faithfulness great? The answer in my mind was immediate-yes. Regardless of how I felt it didn't change the truth that God is faithful and His faithfulness is great. His faithfulness to me is great.
So I guess my point is, I will probably continue to struggle with this very issue as I continue along in this journey, but at the end of the day my prayer is that I will always be brought back to the truth and that no matter how I feel, I will cling to what is real. And what is real? God is good, He is faithful, He is kind, He has not forsaken me, He hears my prayers, He is ever-present, this list could go on forever. No matter where this journey takes me, the truth about Him never changes and I am going to hold fast to that.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Good News at last!
Well we got a bit of good news this past week. After 2 months of going to the doctor every week and hearing mostly bad news, this good news was gratefully welcomed! Heath went to the doctor last Thursday and his MRI came back clear!! Yay!! So what that means is that nothing is blocking his pituitary gland, it's just not doing what it is suppose to be doing (in our case producing enough testosterone). The doctor prescribed some medicine and over the next few months we will regulate it. That means he takes the medicine and in a month he goes back to see where his testosterone level is. If it's okay then he continues on that amount of medicine. If not, they up the amount he takes...and so on and so on until they get his levels where they need to be. After that the doctor says we have just a good of a chance as anyone to get pregnant. We are SO thankful for this news. It was a welcome relief and we praise God for it.
We really are so thankful, but there is also this hint of "here we go again." It's been a looooong, hard, painful, sad...you get the drift....past 16 months (how long we have been trying). With this new medicine it's kind of like we are starting over. Some days I wonder if I can do this again. The thing that has been hardest for me over the last several months is the hope and the disappointment each month. Every month there is this sense of hope-maybe I'm pregnant-and every month when I wasn't there was an equal sense of disappointment. I don't care how long you've been trying to get pregnant whether it's one month or one year or even longer, it's just hard to be hopeful and then be disappointed. Part of me just wonders if I can keep going. Two nights ago Heath and I were talking and he said "honestly some days I just want to give up." My thoughts exactly. We aren't going to give up and we are going to continue to try to get pregnant, but most days I just want to give up. Like I said in the last post, it's just hard. I have been praying that God will just pour out His grace on Heath and me and that we will "set our minds on things above and not on things of this earth" (Col. 3:2)
Another thing that has been hard is for me to really trust God. I don't even know (in this situation) what that looks like to be honest. I have been trusting God for 16 months and He hasn't done it, and there is no promise that He ever will. It's not that I think God can't do it because He can. He is powerful and sovereign and He can do whatever He wants. So my issue isn't that I think He can't, I just wonder if He will. It may not be God's will for Heath and I to have biological children. I think I'm okay with that and would happily raise a child that I didn't give birth to, but can I handle the next several months of hope and disappointment (if that's what God has for us, He may allow us to get pregnant right away)? So you see I need so much grace! I know this post is jumbled but so are my thoughts at this point in the journey.
Let me say this to close, just because I'm a jumbled mess and I don't know what to think or how to trust or if I can make it through another season of hope and disappointment, we are beyond thankful for the good news we got. It helps us be hopeful-not that we hope in medicine or what the doctor says, but our hope is that God will use the medicine and the wisdom He gave the doctor to allow us to get pregnant. I just don't want my jumbled thoughts to not point you to God. I will trust Him and even if we have to go through another long season of hope and disappoint He will get me through (His power is perfected in my weakness 2 Cor. 12:9) God is good and He is being good to us as we go along on our beautiful journey.
We really are so thankful, but there is also this hint of "here we go again." It's been a looooong, hard, painful, sad...you get the drift....past 16 months (how long we have been trying). With this new medicine it's kind of like we are starting over. Some days I wonder if I can do this again. The thing that has been hardest for me over the last several months is the hope and the disappointment each month. Every month there is this sense of hope-maybe I'm pregnant-and every month when I wasn't there was an equal sense of disappointment. I don't care how long you've been trying to get pregnant whether it's one month or one year or even longer, it's just hard to be hopeful and then be disappointed. Part of me just wonders if I can keep going. Two nights ago Heath and I were talking and he said "honestly some days I just want to give up." My thoughts exactly. We aren't going to give up and we are going to continue to try to get pregnant, but most days I just want to give up. Like I said in the last post, it's just hard. I have been praying that God will just pour out His grace on Heath and me and that we will "set our minds on things above and not on things of this earth" (Col. 3:2)
Another thing that has been hard is for me to really trust God. I don't even know (in this situation) what that looks like to be honest. I have been trusting God for 16 months and He hasn't done it, and there is no promise that He ever will. It's not that I think God can't do it because He can. He is powerful and sovereign and He can do whatever He wants. So my issue isn't that I think He can't, I just wonder if He will. It may not be God's will for Heath and I to have biological children. I think I'm okay with that and would happily raise a child that I didn't give birth to, but can I handle the next several months of hope and disappointment (if that's what God has for us, He may allow us to get pregnant right away)? So you see I need so much grace! I know this post is jumbled but so are my thoughts at this point in the journey.
Let me say this to close, just because I'm a jumbled mess and I don't know what to think or how to trust or if I can make it through another season of hope and disappointment, we are beyond thankful for the good news we got. It helps us be hopeful-not that we hope in medicine or what the doctor says, but our hope is that God will use the medicine and the wisdom He gave the doctor to allow us to get pregnant. I just don't want my jumbled thoughts to not point you to God. I will trust Him and even if we have to go through another long season of hope and disappoint He will get me through (His power is perfected in my weakness 2 Cor. 12:9) God is good and He is being good to us as we go along on our beautiful journey.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
One word
If I could describe infertility in one word it would be this: hard. I don't have the "spiritual" answer or even a pretty answer. The bottom line is that although we have learned a lot, it has been so hard. I say this because I want to be real. The truth is that it has been good and we can see God in this, but at the end of the day it's just hard and that's ok.
I remember several years ago a friend of mine passed away suddenly and I was beside myself. The only way I knew how to describe how I felt was "I'm not okay and that's okay." I feel like that again in some ways. "I'm not okay and that's okay" I cry-a lot (ask my poor husband), I get angry for no reason (bless Heath's heart) and a whole myriad of other emotions that some days I feel like I have absolutely no control over. And in some ways I'm okay with that. I think it's good for me to experience those emotions-if I didn't have them I don't know if I'd be human. I also think it's good for my relationship with God because I really have to "go there" with Him. I'm not trying to pretend. I don't want to pretend, this is just hard. I want a baby, I want to raise a family, I want to know what it's like to be pregnant and feel the baby kick, I want all those things so bad and the fact that I'm not experiencing any of it is just hard.
I think the thing about it too is that I have a monthly reminder that I am having problems getting pregnant. Every month right before I'm suppose to start I think "maybe the doctors are wrong" and I begin to wonder if maybe just maybe I am pregnant. Then the day comes. It starts with cramping and then I begin to feel like I getting fat and then I start. Every month, without fail, it is so disappointing. (I will say this though, now that we know something is wrong, it has been less disappointing. Still disappointing no doubt, just not as much) So every month I'm reminded that the thing I want so bad is still not happening for me.
One thing I love about my relationship with the Lord is that I feel totally freed up to be honest with Him. I tell Him when my heart hurts, when I'm so sad I don't know what to do with myself, when I'm angry at how this is all going, how I don't understand what He's doing. I tell Him all of it-He already knows so I might as well talk to Him about it. He lovingly leads me back to the truth and reminds me of who He is in the midst of this. He is good, faithful, righteous in all His ways, kind, loving and the list could go on forever. So even though this is so hard, God is right here with me leading me along. This is where He has me, this is where He has Heath...as we go along in this beautiful (hard in this season) journey.
I remember several years ago a friend of mine passed away suddenly and I was beside myself. The only way I knew how to describe how I felt was "I'm not okay and that's okay." I feel like that again in some ways. "I'm not okay and that's okay" I cry-a lot (ask my poor husband), I get angry for no reason (bless Heath's heart) and a whole myriad of other emotions that some days I feel like I have absolutely no control over. And in some ways I'm okay with that. I think it's good for me to experience those emotions-if I didn't have them I don't know if I'd be human. I also think it's good for my relationship with God because I really have to "go there" with Him. I'm not trying to pretend. I don't want to pretend, this is just hard. I want a baby, I want to raise a family, I want to know what it's like to be pregnant and feel the baby kick, I want all those things so bad and the fact that I'm not experiencing any of it is just hard.
I think the thing about it too is that I have a monthly reminder that I am having problems getting pregnant. Every month right before I'm suppose to start I think "maybe the doctors are wrong" and I begin to wonder if maybe just maybe I am pregnant. Then the day comes. It starts with cramping and then I begin to feel like I getting fat and then I start. Every month, without fail, it is so disappointing. (I will say this though, now that we know something is wrong, it has been less disappointing. Still disappointing no doubt, just not as much) So every month I'm reminded that the thing I want so bad is still not happening for me.
One thing I love about my relationship with the Lord is that I feel totally freed up to be honest with Him. I tell Him when my heart hurts, when I'm so sad I don't know what to do with myself, when I'm angry at how this is all going, how I don't understand what He's doing. I tell Him all of it-He already knows so I might as well talk to Him about it. He lovingly leads me back to the truth and reminds me of who He is in the midst of this. He is good, faithful, righteous in all His ways, kind, loving and the list could go on forever. So even though this is so hard, God is right here with me leading me along. This is where He has me, this is where He has Heath...as we go along in this beautiful (hard in this season) journey.
Up to speed
Let me catch you all up to speed. I was going to kind of back track and fill you in on all the details of everything I've felt for the last few months, but I think I will just tell you the facts and then I may go back and fill in the details later (maybe!) This way I can post current updates and current feelings.
Just to let you know, Heath and I have decided to be very open with our journey so you're going to get the nitty gritty of it all!
September- We had been trying for about 13 months at this point. For the most part doctors tell you not to come in for fertility stuff until you have been trying for at least a year. So in Sept. I made an appt. with my OB/GYN. The first thing she did was order a semen analysis for Heath and she also put me on Clomid to make sure I could ovulate. My ovulation test came back fine. The semen analysis on the other hand did not come back fine. Heath has a low sperm count and very little motility (movement of the sperm). On a side note, I have never said the word semen or sperm as much as I have in the last two months!
The next step was for him to go see a urologist to see if there was something physically wrong. Thankfully there was nothing physically wrong. So the next step was another semen analysis and some blood work. We did another semen analysis to make sure the first one wasn't a fluke-it wasn't. Also, his blood work (at this point) came back normal. So we were referred to a fertility specialist in Indianapolis.
October- We went to the fertility specialist and honestly it wasn't what we were hoping for. We were under the impression that there was some type of medicine that could help improve the sperm count-we were wrong. Basically the doctor wanted to re-do all the tests we had already done here. We were less than thrilled about that idea. We did redo the blood test because apparently there are 6 things to check for in the blood and our doctor in Lafayette only checked for 3.
At this point our doctor told us if the blood tests came back normal then there was nothing he could do and our only option was Artificial Insemination or In-Vetero Fertilization. You can imagine our shock. We thought we were going to get a prescription and some helpful advice and we find out that potentially our only option was AI or in-vetero. After the doctor's appointment, Heath and I just sat in the car and cried for a long, long time. Both of those procedures are pretty expensive, not covered by health insurance and not super successful (a 10% chance of pregnancy with AI and a 40% chance with in-vetero). It was so discouraging for us.
November- It was actually late October we got a call from the doctor and said some of the blood work came back abnormal. It's the only time in your life (probably) that you want a test to come back abnormal! Heath's testosterone and estradiol are very low. The doctor said usually that means something is going on with the pituitary gland. So this past Tuesday Heath had a MRI to look at his pituitary gland and as I type is on his way to our fertility doctor to get the results and get treatment options.
So, we will go from here. We have no idea what our future holds, but we trust in a God who does. And again, we will follow Him wherever He leads our journey.
Just to let you know, Heath and I have decided to be very open with our journey so you're going to get the nitty gritty of it all!
September- We had been trying for about 13 months at this point. For the most part doctors tell you not to come in for fertility stuff until you have been trying for at least a year. So in Sept. I made an appt. with my OB/GYN. The first thing she did was order a semen analysis for Heath and she also put me on Clomid to make sure I could ovulate. My ovulation test came back fine. The semen analysis on the other hand did not come back fine. Heath has a low sperm count and very little motility (movement of the sperm). On a side note, I have never said the word semen or sperm as much as I have in the last two months!
The next step was for him to go see a urologist to see if there was something physically wrong. Thankfully there was nothing physically wrong. So the next step was another semen analysis and some blood work. We did another semen analysis to make sure the first one wasn't a fluke-it wasn't. Also, his blood work (at this point) came back normal. So we were referred to a fertility specialist in Indianapolis.
October- We went to the fertility specialist and honestly it wasn't what we were hoping for. We were under the impression that there was some type of medicine that could help improve the sperm count-we were wrong. Basically the doctor wanted to re-do all the tests we had already done here. We were less than thrilled about that idea. We did redo the blood test because apparently there are 6 things to check for in the blood and our doctor in Lafayette only checked for 3.
At this point our doctor told us if the blood tests came back normal then there was nothing he could do and our only option was Artificial Insemination or In-Vetero Fertilization. You can imagine our shock. We thought we were going to get a prescription and some helpful advice and we find out that potentially our only option was AI or in-vetero. After the doctor's appointment, Heath and I just sat in the car and cried for a long, long time. Both of those procedures are pretty expensive, not covered by health insurance and not super successful (a 10% chance of pregnancy with AI and a 40% chance with in-vetero). It was so discouraging for us.
November- It was actually late October we got a call from the doctor and said some of the blood work came back abnormal. It's the only time in your life (probably) that you want a test to come back abnormal! Heath's testosterone and estradiol are very low. The doctor said usually that means something is going on with the pituitary gland. So this past Tuesday Heath had a MRI to look at his pituitary gland and as I type is on his way to our fertility doctor to get the results and get treatment options.
So, we will go from here. We have no idea what our future holds, but we trust in a God who does. And again, we will follow Him wherever He leads our journey.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Who would have ever thought?
Seriously, who would have ever thought? You know, you hear of people have problems with infertility, in fact I have several friends who have struggled with it, you just never think it's going to be you. I can say for a fact that I never thought it would be me. It was actually my worst nightmare. I would think about it and be scared to death. But here I am in the middle of infertility. Let me back up and explain to you how we got to where we are now.
Heath and I have always wanted kids, we just weren't sure when we wanted to start trying. Our first year of marriage was so tough with all the transitions so it was kind of a no brainer that getting pregnant our first year would send me right over the edge. At the end of our first year of marriage we began talking about starting to try. We asked some of our mentors if they thought we were in a good position (emotionally and spiritually) to become parents. They thought we were so we decided why not go ahead and try. So in July of 2010 we started this part of our journey. As each month rolled by it was a little discouraging but I knew for a lot of people it took about 6-9 months for it to happen.
About month 6 is when the discouragement started rolling in. I just didn't understand. Pardon my bluntness, but I always just thought you had sex, got pregnant and had a baby. Well we were doing the first step but the other 2 weren't happening. Every month when I would start I was so discouraged. I don't know how to put into words exactly how I felt but one thing I continually felt was just so disappointed. I was begging God to do this in my life, asking Him to provide us a baby and yet He wasn't. What was God trying to teach me? That's a question I ask a lot-"God, what are you trying to do in my life through this?" I wanted to know what He was doing, Heath wanted to know what He was doing, but honestly I could not tell you at that point what He was doing (hindsight is 20/20). That was a big struggle for Heath and I, we really wanted to be on board with what God was doing, but we just weren't sure what that was. For today I will leave you with that. There's just so much I feel like the Lord wants me to share and it doesn't always fit neatly into a blog!
Let me say this to conclude, when Heath and I became Christians we didn't just accept Christ as our Savior, we accepted Him as our Lord. You see you can't have one without the other, if He's not your Lord (meaning He's the center of your life and everything else-your job, family, social life, etc-revolves around Him) then He's not your Savior. Before I came to Christ I said I was a Christian, but my life said otherwise-your life is a dead give away to what you really believe. Anyway, we aren't just wanting God to "save" us from infertility. We know and believe that He is Lord over this and we will go where He leads us...wherever the journey goes. (I hope that makes sense!)
Heath and I have always wanted kids, we just weren't sure when we wanted to start trying. Our first year of marriage was so tough with all the transitions so it was kind of a no brainer that getting pregnant our first year would send me right over the edge. At the end of our first year of marriage we began talking about starting to try. We asked some of our mentors if they thought we were in a good position (emotionally and spiritually) to become parents. They thought we were so we decided why not go ahead and try. So in July of 2010 we started this part of our journey. As each month rolled by it was a little discouraging but I knew for a lot of people it took about 6-9 months for it to happen.
About month 6 is when the discouragement started rolling in. I just didn't understand. Pardon my bluntness, but I always just thought you had sex, got pregnant and had a baby. Well we were doing the first step but the other 2 weren't happening. Every month when I would start I was so discouraged. I don't know how to put into words exactly how I felt but one thing I continually felt was just so disappointed. I was begging God to do this in my life, asking Him to provide us a baby and yet He wasn't. What was God trying to teach me? That's a question I ask a lot-"God, what are you trying to do in my life through this?" I wanted to know what He was doing, Heath wanted to know what He was doing, but honestly I could not tell you at that point what He was doing (hindsight is 20/20). That was a big struggle for Heath and I, we really wanted to be on board with what God was doing, but we just weren't sure what that was. For today I will leave you with that. There's just so much I feel like the Lord wants me to share and it doesn't always fit neatly into a blog!
Let me say this to conclude, when Heath and I became Christians we didn't just accept Christ as our Savior, we accepted Him as our Lord. You see you can't have one without the other, if He's not your Lord (meaning He's the center of your life and everything else-your job, family, social life, etc-revolves around Him) then He's not your Savior. Before I came to Christ I said I was a Christian, but my life said otherwise-your life is a dead give away to what you really believe. Anyway, we aren't just wanting God to "save" us from infertility. We know and believe that He is Lord over this and we will go where He leads us...wherever the journey goes. (I hope that makes sense!)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Our Journey as of Lately
Well, the previous posts kinda bring you up to speed on the life of Heath and Mary Leslie Racine. What a beautiful journey it has been so far! So now where does our journey have us? Well, it's actually the reason I even started this blog, to talk about where this journey has us now. It's not really what we expected, it's not really what we dreamed of and it's not all that fun, but it is beautiful. You're probably dying to know what I'm talking about! So here ya go, at this point, our beautiful journey is leading us through infertility (it's not necessarily that we'll never be able to have children, it's just that we are having some problems).
I got the idea to write this blog because I have struggled so much over our infertility. I know for so many people it is a deeply personal thing (and I understand and totally respect that), but for me, I want people to see our struggles and our victories through this part of the journey God has us on. It is not by mistake that we are here. Over and over again through this time of our lives I feel like God has reminded me that He is the One guiding our way and that even though this is so tough and has been so hard on us, He is leading. This isn't a beautiful journey because of our circumstances, it's a beautiful journey because of Him. I may not know where this part of the journey is going or how long it will take or what the outcome will be, but He does and I can trust Him. To be honest I am a complete control freak...I love to have control of all circumstances and situations at all times. So to not know where we're going or how long it will take or what the outcome will be is very difficult for me, but during this part of the journey God is reminding me again and again to pray for His grace in my life to trust Him more. There is a song that I love and sing over and over again-"Jesus, Jesus how I trust Thee, How I've proven Thee over and over, Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus, O for grace to trust you more." I can trust that He knows exactly what He's doing and He is doing all of this for our good and the good of others. In the coming posts, I will talk more about what is going on and how I am feeling about it. For now I just wanted to let everyone know what was going on and set the groundwork for the coming posts. One more thought for today...
This journey is beautiful because He is making it beautiful.
I got the idea to write this blog because I have struggled so much over our infertility. I know for so many people it is a deeply personal thing (and I understand and totally respect that), but for me, I want people to see our struggles and our victories through this part of the journey God has us on. It is not by mistake that we are here. Over and over again through this time of our lives I feel like God has reminded me that He is the One guiding our way and that even though this is so tough and has been so hard on us, He is leading. This isn't a beautiful journey because of our circumstances, it's a beautiful journey because of Him. I may not know where this part of the journey is going or how long it will take or what the outcome will be, but He does and I can trust Him. To be honest I am a complete control freak...I love to have control of all circumstances and situations at all times. So to not know where we're going or how long it will take or what the outcome will be is very difficult for me, but during this part of the journey God is reminding me again and again to pray for His grace in my life to trust Him more. There is a song that I love and sing over and over again-"Jesus, Jesus how I trust Thee, How I've proven Thee over and over, Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus, O for grace to trust you more." I can trust that He knows exactly what He's doing and He is doing all of this for our good and the good of others. In the coming posts, I will talk more about what is going on and how I am feeling about it. For now I just wanted to let everyone know what was going on and set the groundwork for the coming posts. One more thought for today...
This journey is beautiful because He is making it beautiful.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Pictures!
So I decided to add some pictures of our first two years together!!
Our honeymoon in Cayman Islands! SO beautiful!
Our first house! This is a tangible blessing from the Lord. We are beyond grateful to have this sweet little house that has become our home!
Purdue Football! It's nothing like a good ole UT Vols game, but it will do!
Our first Christmas as Mr. and Mrs. Racine
We were so honored to be able to stand beside our sweet friends Andrew and Ashley as they made a covenant with God and each other to be husband and wife. There's nothing sweeter than seeing two of your friends marry each other and know they are going to bring glory to God through their marriage.
Our first vacation! We went to Ormond Beach, FL
Our 1st anniversary trip to Chicago. LOVED IT!
Our second Christmas we decided to put lights on our house (thanks Quentin for your help!!)
A vacation to Cincinnati. It was such a fun trip and a great city!!
Last but not least. these are some of the AMAZING women God has brought into my life since moving to West Lafayette. By God's grace we were in the same small group for 2 years. I have been encouraged, sharpened and loved by these women. They are no doubt an evidence of God's grace in my life. To say I'm thankful for them seems like a complete understatement.
So that's our life over the past two years summed up in pictures. They are just a "snapshot" (cheesy, I know) of this beautiful journey God has us on.
So that's our life over the past two years summed up in pictures. They are just a "snapshot" (cheesy, I know) of this beautiful journey God has us on.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
The Last 2 Years
The last two years have been full of transition for us. Two years ago in the span of about a month we got married, bought a house, moved to a new city and in some respects started a new job....whoa! I think they say there are 7 stressors they have identified and we went through 4 of them in a month. It was crazy to say the least...or maybe I should say I was crazy!
Right after we got married we moved to West Lafayette, IN to continue to work with Campus Outreach at Purdue University (I had been on staff at Murray State University in Kentucky for several years and Heath had worked on staff at IUPUI in Indianapolis for a couple of years). For me, the transition was soooo hard. I loved the girls I was working with at Murray, I loved my staff team, I loved living 2-3 hours from all my family and friends, I even loved living in little ole Murray, KY. Now, I was no longer with my girls I loved, I didn't really know anyone on my new staff team, I lived at least 7 hours away from all my friends and family and I didn't even know how to get to the store in West Lafayette. But even that part of the journey was beautiful. I learned in that part of my journey that Jesus is the same no matter where I live, how far away my friends and family are, what job I'm doing and whether I knew how to get to the store or not. Hebrews 13:8 says "He is the same yesterday, today and forever." How simple, but oh was it such a good promise for me to cling to. The same God I worshiped in Murray, KY is the same God I worship in West Lafayette, IN. The same God I worshipped when I lived close to my family is the same God I worship when I live far away. Even when my circumstances change, my God does not. I'm so grateful for that truth.
Fast forward a year and half. Heath had made a 4 year commitment to work for Campus Outreach (CO) when he started. We were coming up on the end of his 3rd year and knew we had one more year committed to CO. However, something wasn't right-there was a little bit of a disconnect in our hearts. Circumstantially, everything was great-people were coming to Christ, our support was great (thanks to our supporters who made that possible!), we were discipling college students, etc. So what was going on? We were encouraged by CO leadership to ask God what He was wanting from us. As we prayed and asked God to show us what He was up to, we saw that He was leading us off of staff. Heath put it best when he said "Our heart for college students hasn't changed, it's just our heart for other things has grown." And that was exactly it. (Let me be clear that we L-O-V-E-D our time on staff with CO and are so grateful for our time spent on staff) So now we were going off of staff a year before we planned and what were we going to do? Because of the transition mentioned above about moving to West Lafayette, Heath had pretty much promised when we went off staff we would move back South...yay! But God had done something beautiful in that short 2 year time period...we had fallen in love with West Lafayette (if you talked to me at all in my first year here you would know how much of a work of God that was!!) God had placed us in a church we were absolutely in love with and had given us friends here that have been rich and sweet. Believe it or not, I asked Heath if we could stay! So stay we did.
What now? Heath took a job at Enterprise-rent-a-car here in Lafayette and I babysit an adorable 3 year old 2 days a week as well as his brother and sister when they get home from school. We still love our church and our friendships are getting richer and sweeter as the time goes by.
The last 2 years in no way have been easy, in fact they have been hard and super confusing at times, but God has been with us every step of the way. He is the one leading and guiding this beautiful journey we are on!
Right after we got married we moved to West Lafayette, IN to continue to work with Campus Outreach at Purdue University (I had been on staff at Murray State University in Kentucky for several years and Heath had worked on staff at IUPUI in Indianapolis for a couple of years). For me, the transition was soooo hard. I loved the girls I was working with at Murray, I loved my staff team, I loved living 2-3 hours from all my family and friends, I even loved living in little ole Murray, KY. Now, I was no longer with my girls I loved, I didn't really know anyone on my new staff team, I lived at least 7 hours away from all my friends and family and I didn't even know how to get to the store in West Lafayette. But even that part of the journey was beautiful. I learned in that part of my journey that Jesus is the same no matter where I live, how far away my friends and family are, what job I'm doing and whether I knew how to get to the store or not. Hebrews 13:8 says "He is the same yesterday, today and forever." How simple, but oh was it such a good promise for me to cling to. The same God I worshiped in Murray, KY is the same God I worship in West Lafayette, IN. The same God I worshipped when I lived close to my family is the same God I worship when I live far away. Even when my circumstances change, my God does not. I'm so grateful for that truth.
Fast forward a year and half. Heath had made a 4 year commitment to work for Campus Outreach (CO) when he started. We were coming up on the end of his 3rd year and knew we had one more year committed to CO. However, something wasn't right-there was a little bit of a disconnect in our hearts. Circumstantially, everything was great-people were coming to Christ, our support was great (thanks to our supporters who made that possible!), we were discipling college students, etc. So what was going on? We were encouraged by CO leadership to ask God what He was wanting from us. As we prayed and asked God to show us what He was up to, we saw that He was leading us off of staff. Heath put it best when he said "Our heart for college students hasn't changed, it's just our heart for other things has grown." And that was exactly it. (Let me be clear that we L-O-V-E-D our time on staff with CO and are so grateful for our time spent on staff) So now we were going off of staff a year before we planned and what were we going to do? Because of the transition mentioned above about moving to West Lafayette, Heath had pretty much promised when we went off staff we would move back South...yay! But God had done something beautiful in that short 2 year time period...we had fallen in love with West Lafayette (if you talked to me at all in my first year here you would know how much of a work of God that was!!) God had placed us in a church we were absolutely in love with and had given us friends here that have been rich and sweet. Believe it or not, I asked Heath if we could stay! So stay we did.
What now? Heath took a job at Enterprise-rent-a-car here in Lafayette and I babysit an adorable 3 year old 2 days a week as well as his brother and sister when they get home from school. We still love our church and our friendships are getting richer and sweeter as the time goes by.
The last 2 years in no way have been easy, in fact they have been hard and super confusing at times, but God has been with us every step of the way. He is the one leading and guiding this beautiful journey we are on!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Where it all began...sort of
How do I begin to tell how God started this beautiful journey Heath and I are on? Well, first of all, it started with Him. Heath and I were both very blessed to grow up in great families who loved us so much and provided for us in so many ways. One of the ways they provided for us was taking us to church each week and laying a foundation of God in our lives. I became a Christian when I was a sophomore in college. I knew a lot about God simply from growing up in church, but I didn't have a relationship with Christ until I was in college. That is when God poured out His grace on my life and my life has never been the same. It is the same with Heath. He became a Christian his freshman year of college. It was then that Heath surrendered his life to Christ-making Him not just Savior, but Lord as well. That is where our journey begins, because ultimately it was God who brought us together.
I will spare you the details of exactly how it all came together, but here's the gist...
Boy meets girl....through a mutual friend. This is clearly a long time ago!
Two years later we go out to lunch and 4 (tortuous) months later we go on our first official date.
Four months (yes you read correctly) later Heath asked me to be his wife.
Five months later we said "I Do"
And so began this beautiful journey....
I will spare you the details of exactly how it all came together, but here's the gist...
Two years later we go out to lunch and 4 (tortuous) months later we go on our first official date.
Four months (yes you read correctly) later Heath asked me to be his wife.
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