Waiting is No Fun

Wow it's been a long time since I have updated this blog! Whoops!

The last time I wrote, I wrote about the waves of grief. Let me tell you, they still keep coming. We are still incredibly sad about the boys, I am pretty sure there will always be a part of our hearts that is sad over that. I still wonder how they are doing and if they are safe and if the birth mom has the support she needs, if she feels loved. I will probably always wonder those things. For the most part the waves haven't been huge and haven't really knocked me over, but the waves still come and there are varying levels of grief that still come with that whole situation, but in some ways my grief has shifted.

What I mean by that is that I have become more and more sad that we have empty arms. We desire a baby so much and it is just sad to not have that desire fulfilled. Kaleigh has been saying a lot more about it too. She asked me if I could grow a baby in my belly for us and when she could be a big sister and telling us that she wants a baby. It is so sweet and so heartbreaking all at the same time. It has given us lots of opportunity to talk to her about adoption and the love her birth mom has for her and how we are waiting on God to give us another baby. It has caused us to pray more with her for a baby for us, which causes me to be more prayerful about it during the day. Waiting is just no fun.

There was also another element that came into our waiting. About 2 months ago we got information that we were in the top 3 for a birth mom. A few weeks later we were told that we were in her top 2 and she asked us and the other family to answer several questions for her. If you remember with Kaleigh we were in the top 2 seven different times and each time we were told no. So this wasn't our first rodeo. We knew the possibility of us getting chosen was just as good as it was for us to not get chosen. Still, it is obviously hard to not get your hopes up in that situation.

A few weeks into this whole "top 3, top 2" scenario Heath and I were talking and he said "no matter what happens I am resolving to worship and praise God." I think for both us we just needed to decide in our hearts that we would trust God with what He wanted for us. Well, last week we got the call that the birth mom chose the other family. It was a sad phone call to get. Sweet Kaleigh didn't know what to do with me crying so she said "blow your nose momma, you'll feel better." (Love her!) It is just so disappointing to not get chosen. And it feels like this waiting will never end. But the truth is, one day this waiting will be over and we will have a baby and we will look back and see God's plan in all of it-just like we see it in Kaleigh's life.

One thing God has been showing me is that I trust Him, but am not surrendered to how He is going to play it all out. I trust that God is going to give us a baby and that we will see His perfection and goodness to us in all of this. The problem comes in when I try to hold onto how I think He should play it out. When it doesn't play out like I think it should then I start to question Him and ask Him if He knows what He is doing. I'm not surrendered to how He wants to play this out in my life. So when He revealed that, I surrendered. "God not only do I trust You, but I surrender to how you want to do it." And it's a daily surrender for me. Every day, multiple times I day I have to tell Him I trust Him and I am surrendered to how He wants to do this.

Waiting is no fun, but there is lots to learn in the waiting and we see Him teaching us and showing us more of who He is. Pray for us that we will continue to trust Him and be surrendered to Him and His plan for this. We can't wait to see how He plays this out!