Who would have ever thought?

Seriously, who would have ever thought? You know, you hear of people have problems with infertility, in fact I have several friends who have struggled with it, you just never think it's going to be you. I can say for a fact that I never thought it would be me. It was actually my worst nightmare. I would think about it and be scared to death. But here I am in the middle of infertility. Let me back up and explain to you how we got to where we are now.

Heath and I have always wanted kids, we just weren't sure when we wanted to start trying. Our first year of marriage was so tough with all the transitions so it was kind of a no brainer that getting pregnant our first year would send me right over the edge. At the end of our first year of marriage we began talking about starting to try. We asked some of our mentors if they thought we were in a good position (emotionally and spiritually) to become parents. They thought we were so we decided why not go ahead and try. So in July of 2010 we started this part of our journey. As each month rolled by it was a little discouraging but I knew for a lot of people it took about 6-9 months for it to happen.

About month 6 is when the discouragement started rolling in. I just didn't understand. Pardon my bluntness, but I always just thought you had sex, got pregnant and had a baby. Well we were doing the first step but the other 2 weren't happening. Every month when I would start I was so discouraged. I don't know how to put into words exactly how I felt but one thing I continually felt was just so disappointed. I was begging God to do this in my life, asking Him to provide us a baby and yet He wasn't. What was God trying to teach me? That's a question I ask a lot-"God, what are you trying to do in my life through this?" I wanted to know what He was doing, Heath wanted to know what He was doing, but honestly I could not tell you at that point what He was doing (hindsight is 20/20). That was a big struggle for Heath and I, we really wanted to be on board with what God was doing, but we just weren't sure what that was. For today I will leave you with that. There's just so much I feel like the Lord wants me to share and it doesn't always fit neatly into a blog!

Let me say this to conclude, when Heath and I became Christians we didn't just accept Christ as our Savior, we accepted Him as our Lord. You see you can't have one without the other, if He's not your Lord (meaning He's the center of your life and everything else-your job, family, social life, etc-revolves around Him) then He's not your Savior. Before I came to Christ I said I was a Christian, but my life said otherwise-your life is a dead give away to what you really believe. Anyway, we aren't just wanting God to "save" us from infertility. We know and believe that He is Lord over this and we will go where He leads us...wherever the journey goes. (I hope that makes sense!)

Our Journey as of Lately

Well, the previous posts kinda bring you up to speed on the life of Heath and Mary Leslie Racine. What a beautiful journey it has been so far! So now where does our journey have us? Well, it's actually the reason I even started this blog, to talk about where this journey has us now. It's not really what we expected, it's not really what we dreamed of and it's not all that fun, but it is beautiful. You're probably dying to know what I'm talking about! So here ya go, at this point, our beautiful journey is leading us through infertility (it's not necessarily that we'll never be able to have children, it's just that we are having some problems).
 I got the idea to write this blog because I have struggled so much over our infertility. I know for so many people it is a deeply personal thing (and I understand and totally respect that), but for me, I want people to see our struggles and our victories through this part of the journey God has us on. It is not by mistake that we are here. Over and over again through this time of our lives I feel like God has reminded me that He is the One guiding our way and that even though this is so tough and has been so hard on us, He is leading. This isn't a beautiful journey because of our circumstances, it's a beautiful journey because of Him. I may not know where this part of the journey is going or how long it will take or what the outcome will be, but He does and I can trust Him. To be honest I am a complete control freak...I love to have control of all circumstances and situations at all times. So to not know where we're going or how long it will take or what the outcome will be is very difficult for me, but during this part of the journey God is reminding me again and again to pray for His grace in my life to trust Him more. There is a song that I love and sing over and over again-"Jesus, Jesus how I trust Thee, How I've proven Thee over and over, Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus, O for grace to trust you more." I can trust that He knows exactly what He's doing and He is doing all of this for our good and the good of others. In the coming posts, I will talk more about what is going on and how I am feeling about it. For now I just wanted to let everyone know what was going on and set the groundwork for the coming posts. One more thought for today...
This journey is beautiful because He is making it beautiful.

Pictures!

So I decided to add some pictures of our first two years together!!

Our honeymoon in Cayman Islands! SO beautiful!

Our first house! This is a tangible blessing from the Lord. We are beyond grateful to have this sweet little house that has become our home!

Purdue Football! It's nothing like a good ole UT Vols game, but it will do!

Our first Christmas as Mr. and Mrs. Racine

We were so honored to be able to stand beside our sweet friends Andrew and Ashley as they made a covenant with God and each other to be husband and wife. There's nothing sweeter than seeing two of your friends marry each other and know they are going to bring glory to God through their marriage.

Our first vacation! We went to Ormond Beach, FL

Our 1st anniversary trip to Chicago. LOVED IT!

Our second Christmas we decided to put lights on our house (thanks Quentin for your help!!)

A vacation to Cincinnati. It was such a fun trip and a great city!!

Last but not least. these are some of the AMAZING women God has brought into my life since moving to West Lafayette. By God's grace we were in the same small group for 2 years. I have been encouraged, sharpened and loved by these women. They are no doubt an evidence of God's grace in my life. To say I'm thankful for them seems like a complete understatement.

So that's our life over the past two years summed up in pictures. They are just a "snapshot" (cheesy, I know) of this beautiful journey God has us on.

The Last 2 Years

The last two years have been full of transition for us. Two years ago in the span of about a month we got married, bought a house, moved to a new city and in some respects started a new job....whoa! I think they say there are 7 stressors they have identified and we went through 4 of them in a month. It was crazy to say the least...or maybe I should say I was crazy!

Right after we got married we moved to West Lafayette, IN to continue to work with Campus Outreach at Purdue University (I had been on staff at Murray State University in Kentucky for several years and Heath had worked on staff at IUPUI in Indianapolis for a couple of years). For me, the transition was soooo hard. I loved the girls I was working with at Murray, I loved my staff team, I loved living 2-3 hours from all my family and friends, I even loved living in little ole Murray, KY. Now, I was no longer with my girls I loved, I didn't really know anyone on my new staff team, I lived at least 7 hours away from all my friends and family and I didn't even know how to get to the store in West Lafayette. But even that part of the journey was beautiful. I learned in that part of my journey that Jesus is the same no matter where I live, how far away my friends and family are, what job I'm doing and whether I knew how to get to the store or not. Hebrews 13:8 says "He is the same yesterday, today and forever." How simple, but oh was it such a good promise for me to cling to. The same God I worshiped in Murray, KY is the same God I worship in West Lafayette, IN. The same God I worshipped when I lived close to my family is the same God I worship when I live far away. Even when my circumstances change, my God does not. I'm so grateful for that truth.

Fast forward a year and half. Heath had made a 4 year commitment to work for Campus Outreach (CO) when he started. We were coming up on the end of his 3rd year and knew we had one more year committed to CO. However, something wasn't right-there was a little bit of a disconnect in our hearts. Circumstantially, everything was great-people were coming to Christ, our support was great (thanks to our supporters who made that possible!), we were discipling college students, etc. So what was going on? We were encouraged by CO leadership to ask God what He was wanting from us. As we prayed and asked God to show us what He was up to, we saw that He was leading us off of staff. Heath put it best when he said "Our heart for college students hasn't changed, it's just our heart for other things has grown." And that was exactly it. (Let me be clear that we L-O-V-E-D our time on staff with CO and are so grateful for our time spent on staff) So now we were going off of staff a year before we planned and what were we going to do? Because of the transition mentioned above about moving to West Lafayette, Heath  had pretty much promised when we went off staff we would move back South...yay! But God had done something beautiful in that short 2 year time period...we had fallen in love with West Lafayette (if you talked to me at all in my first year here you would know how much of a work of God that was!!) God had placed us in a church we were absolutely in love with and had given us friends here that have been rich and sweet. Believe it or not, I asked Heath if we could stay! So stay we did.

What now? Heath took a job at Enterprise-rent-a-car here in Lafayette and I babysit an adorable 3 year old 2 days a week as well as his brother and sister when they get home from school. We still love our church and our friendships are getting richer and sweeter as the time goes by.

 The last 2 years in no way have been easy, in fact they have been hard and super confusing at times, but  God has been with us every step of the way. He is the one leading and guiding this beautiful journey we are on!

Where it all began...sort of

How do I begin to tell how God started this beautiful journey Heath and I are on? Well, first of all, it started with Him. Heath and I were both very blessed to grow up in great families who loved us so much and provided for us in so many ways. One of the ways they provided for us was taking us to church each week and laying a foundation of God in our lives. I became a Christian when I was a sophomore in college. I knew a lot about God simply from growing up in church, but I didn't have a relationship with Christ until I was in college. That is when God poured out His grace on my life and my life has never been the same. It is the same with Heath. He became a Christian his freshman year of college. It was then that Heath surrendered his life to Christ-making Him not just Savior, but Lord as well. That is where our journey begins, because ultimately it was God who brought us together.

I will spare you the details of exactly how it all came together, but here's the gist...

Boy meets girl....through a mutual friend. This is clearly a long time ago!

Two years later we go out to lunch and 4 (tortuous) months later we go on our first official date.

Four months (yes you read correctly) later Heath asked me to be his wife.

Five months later we said "I Do"

And so began this beautiful journey....