Don't Waste It

This past weekend I was able to go the True Woman conference in downtown Indy (thanks Teri!). One of my favorite sessions was an interview with Joni Erickson Tada. If you don't know her story I will give you a little preview but really encourage you to read up on her. When she was 17 she was in a diving accident and she became a quadriplegic in a wheelchair, without the use of her hands. Her story is an unbelievable journey of how God has used her in the lives of people everywhere. Seriously, read up on her and be encouraged.

One of the things she said is "don't waste your suffering." I know John Piper has written something entitled "Don't Waste Your Cancer" that is similar. For me, hearing it live and in person from a woman who has experienced much suffering was just so challenging to me. This blog post is really for those of you who are going through infertility or any other type of suffering right now. I hope it encourages you and challenges you.

If I were on my own, and did not know or experience the grace of God daily in my life, I would waste my suffering. There are many days now that I want to waste my suffering and I am sure there are days I have wasted my suffering. But I don't want to waste it. Does that mean I never cry or never get upset? I don't think so. In fact, I think it's quite the opposite. Here are some ways I don't want to waste my suffering.

1. I want to use this time in my life to see how dependent I am on God. He is my strength and my refuge in time of need. He is my Rock and my Fortress. I cannot do this on my own. There are days when I just want to do absolutely nothing but have a pity party, but instead of a pity party I want to turn my attention to God and desperately cry out to Him to give me the grace I need to face each day. You see, the truth is I'm always dependent on God and I should always desperately call out to Him for grace to get through each day. When things are going great I often turn towards self sufficiency. So I want to use this hard time to train myself to continually turn to Him. So then hopefully when things are going well and when things are going bad, I will have trained myself to turn to Him.

2. I want to use this time in my life to ask the hard questions. So often I think we don't think it's okay to ask God the hard questions. Well, I have some hard questions that I need answered. I want to boldly ask Him because I know His answer will always point me back to Him. I don't want to be afraid to ask the hard questions of Him because I think it will show how weak my faith is. You know what, my faith is weak. I need to ask those hard questions so my faith will be strengthened and so that I can think correctly about Him.

3. I want to use this time in my life to cry out to God and to grow in my intimacy with Him. My heart hurts and He knows that it hurts. This can be such a sweet time of intimacy in my walk with Him as I allow Him to minister to the hurt places in my heart, just like a father would. If I don't cry out to Him, and when I say cry for me it often means literally crying, then how am I going to experience that intimacy with Him and how is He going to heal those places in my heart with His word and His grace and His love? I want to use this time to experience deep intimacy with Him. I have some sweet friends whose little girl was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor when she was 6 months old. They have seen her through brain surgery, chemo, a stem cell transplant and so much more. This past weekend I got to catch up with the mom for a few minutes and one thing she said to me was something to the effect of- I know God in a deeper way because we have been through this. I don't think I could have gotten to know Him like this if we hadn't been through this. Wow. I left so encouraged by her to use this hard season of life to know my God better.

Those are just a few ways I have thought about not wasting my infertility. Again, I am not saying my goal is to never cry or never be upset, but to allow God to work in my life during those times. If you are going through infertility or some other trial, I pray you won't waste it but allow Him to work mightily in your life. I pray the same thing for Heath and I as we go along on our beautiful journey.

Ramblings of my heart...

Well, here is a post that I have been mulling over the last couple of days. How do I take all that is going on in my heart and explain it in a blog? I'm not sure but here's my best shot.

As you know we had our profile book presented 2 weeks ago today to a birth mom due Dec. 20th. We anxiously awaited news to hear if we had been chosen or not. You never know how long it is going to take to hear back so you just kind of anxiously wait around all day every day wondering if that will be the day. Needless to say my phone is pretty much attached to the palm of my hand and I will answer any number any time, I don't care what I am doing. 

On Tuesday September 4th we got an email saying that the birth parents had narrowed it down to two families-us and another family-and that we would hear Friday and no later than Monday if we were chosen. I can't tell you what it does to your heart to hear that you made it to the top 2. I can't decide if it's better or worse to know that. In some ways it is better because you can pray more specifically, but in other ways it's worse because you're so close (by the way, this is not the first time we have been in the top 2, it's probably the 3rd time so I have had a lot of time to think about whether it's best to know or not).

Friday rolls around and no answer. Early that evening I get a phone call from Carlee saying they haven't made a decision and will for sure have an answer on Monday. I had to sub on Monday so I made sure to let Carlee and our agency know I wouldn't be able to answer the phone until after 3. I got out a little early so I gave Carlee a call. There was still no answer from the birth parents. I call the agency and they say the bp's are having a hard time deciding but they are going to try to get an answer. Monday turns into Tuesday and still no answer. Finally at about 11 a.m. Tuesday we hear that will make a decision at 1 p.m. 

At 2:40ish I get a phone call from Carlee-this is it, the moment of truth. They picked the other family. What? Seriously? You're kidding? I think I asked Carlee those exact things. Seriously, we made it to the top 2 again and didn't get picked? Talk about heart wrenching. I then proceeded to bawl my eyes out. Did I mention I was in the Walmart parking lot when this all went down? So I proceed to drive home as I bawl my eyes out. Sweet Carlee listened and encouraged and reminded me of truth. I just cried. I got home and the poor dog we are dog-sitting didn't know what to make of me. I was a mess and could not control the sobbing. She would just look at me like "what's going on?" 

It's been 3 days since we found out that yet again we didn't get chosen and I am still sad. I don't know what has made this one worse. I think I was just so hopeful. Whenever I am so hopeful the disappointment seems to increase. I so want to believe truth in those moments and have faith and trust God, but it's a battle. One sweet friend (a new friend here in Columbus, by the way-God has been sweet to give me friendships here) reminded me that ultimately I do trust Him and I do believe He is good but I have to take time to grieve what could have been. Those were the sweetest words to me. 

I needed it to be okay for me to be sad and it was. I so often think I have to come to God put together. I have huge expectations on myself and how I should react in situations and when I don't react the way I think I should I am so disappointed in myself. I am thankful God gave her the grace that day to remind me to take some time to grieve, to fall apart before God. To come to Him as I was-sad and disappointed and full of questions. In a lot of ways I am still those 3 things. 

So we will move forward from here. There are possibly some other opportunities that we will present to soon and there is another agency that we will be applying to next week. If you think of us, pray for us. We so desire to have children and to raise a family and the waiting is hard. I got a text from another sweet friend in response to the news that we hadn't been chosen that said "that sucks." That's how I feel a lot of times. It just sucks that we haven't been able to get pregnant and haven't gotten chosen to adopt a baby yet. Pray for us as we need so much of God's grace in our lives as we go along on this beautiful journey.