Adoption Round 3

It has been a L-O-N-G time since I have posted on here. Some of it is because I have a 5 and 4 year old and life is busy. Most of it is because I just haven't known what to say.

I realized a few months ago that a lot of people don't even know we are in the process of adopting again. I realize I have only made one post about it so let me get everyone on the same page. When Kaleigh was 18 months old we decided to start the adoption process again. We quickly got chosen for twin boys however on the day they were born their mom changed her mind and we were heartbroken. We continued again in the adoption process and waited and waited and waited some more. In November of 2016 God gave us the gift of fostering to adopt through a set of crazy (totally from God) circumstances. There is a blog post about it if you want to read that story here
http://heathandmaryleslie.blogspot.com/2016/12/when-god-writes-your-story.html. Because of that, our newborn adoption got put on hold. In May of 2017 we officially adopted Brayden. In August of 2017 we decided to change adoption agencies and go back to working with Christian Adoption Consultants (who we used when we adopted Kaleigh). And that brings us to today.

This third adoption has been a lot different for us. For one, we have 2 kids that keep us busy so we are not dwelling on adoption 100% of the time-it's more like 95%. But seriously, when we didn't have any kids and never knew if we would have any kids, that is pretty much the only thing I thought about. Now, my mind is more divided because I'm focusing on raising tiny humans. Another way that it's different is that we went through the failed adoption with the twins so the fear of that is always lingering close to the surface. With our first, and even in some ways our second (until the moment we weren't), we were blissfully naive as to the deep deep hurt and pain and grief of a failed adoption. Now we know. And now we are terrified of it happening again.

In domestic adoption you do what's called "presenting" which means the adoption agency shows your profile book (think a Shutterfly book telling about your whole life in 20 pages) to an expectant mother and then you get a yes or no. If it's a yes that's called matched and you wait until baby is born and then that's called placement. Adoption is a whole new world if you didn't know and it has a whole new language that you have to learn!

During this third adoption we have had our book presented 18 times and we have gotten 18 no's. That's not a typo...18 times. You probably have no words, neither do I.

Okay maybe I have a few. It has been super hard. SUPER HARD.  A lot of my friends often ask me how I am doing and after this last time, my response was "I'm over it." I'm not bitter and I'm not mad, I'm just over it. I was talking to a friend last night who just adopted and we were talking about the cost of adoption. And I'm not just talking financially-which is unbelievable in and of itself. But I was talking with her more about the cost on your emotions and on your marriage (don't worry Heath and I are fine) and on your family and on your mind and on your thought life and.....you get the point. The cost is much much more than a financial cost. And don't hear me say it's not worth it, it is, but it comes at a steep cost. So I'm over it. Now that doesn't mean we aren't going to pursue adoption anymore, I'm just over it-does that make sense? Probably not.

One thing recently that I have been wrestling with is this: is God saying no? Is he saying that's it for you. You have 2 beautiful, wonderful, amazing children and that's all I want for you. Or is He just saying wait? I don't know the answer to that.

So what's that mean for now. It means we will keep having our profile book presented, keep "putting our yes" on the table and wait and see what the Lord does. We have decided that in August (after a year) if we still have not been matched, we will reevaluate and see if we want to continue on or not.

In all of this, I know God is with us. I know He is for us and has good, good plans for us. I know He is sovereign and faithful to us. I know He can see way more than I can see. I know He knows what is the very best for me, Heath, our kids and every child that is born. I know all of these things. However, I feel like I'm living the verse "I believe, but help my unbelief"(Mark 9:24). I believe those things are true but I often don't believe so I'm asking God to help me believe. And I know He can.

Things to be praying for us:

1. That we would believe God and His character.
2. That we would patiently wait and trust His timing in this.
3. That God would provide a baby for us.