Hard Week

This week has been hard for me in a lot of different ways. I think it is starting to hit me that we really aren't moving back to West Lafayette. Don't get me wrong, I really like Columbus and I am sure I will grow to love it just like I did West Lafayette. I think it's just hitting me that we are starting over. We will have to find a church, make new friends, find a house and all the other things that go along with moving. God has been so gracious to us though to give us friends here who we were friends with in Lafayette. They have made our transition so much easier and it also helps that Heath's parents are here. Both of those things make us not feel so alone in this new city for us.

I think another reason it has been hard is that I feel like I have had a bad view of God. I want to say from the beginning that I know this isn't a correct view and that He really is doing so much, but this is how I have felt the last few weeks: I feel like God is just saying "no" to everything. We have begged Him for a long time to allow us to get pregnant and the answer for now is no. We have asked Him to allow us to get picked by birth mothers who we have presented to and His answer so far is no. We begged Him to allow us to stay in West Lafayette and the answer was no. We have been asking Him to sell our house and the answer so far has been no. Now I know God is doing a lot more than I can see (check out my post a few weeks ago), but it just seems like all the tangible things He is saying "no" to. I confess I have a tendency to get a bit cynical so this has not been good for me. I start questioning God and His character. I feel like the two big things we are trusting Him for is a baby and our house to sell and it's just hard for me that He is not allowing either. I think mostly it's hard because I want to control both of those things and I can't.

 The other day Heath and I were talking about God and His timing and I just admitted that I don't like God's timing. I want a baby like yesterday and I want our house to sell today. I know I will look back and see God's perfect timing in all of this in the years to come, but right now I don't really like the waiting. I do know that God is doing so much in our hearts during this time and even though right now I think I would like the tangible things more, I know in years to come I will feel beyond grateful for all He has done in our hearts during this part of our beautiful journey.