Waiting is No Fun

Wow it's been a long time since I have updated this blog! Whoops!

The last time I wrote, I wrote about the waves of grief. Let me tell you, they still keep coming. We are still incredibly sad about the boys, I am pretty sure there will always be a part of our hearts that is sad over that. I still wonder how they are doing and if they are safe and if the birth mom has the support she needs, if she feels loved. I will probably always wonder those things. For the most part the waves haven't been huge and haven't really knocked me over, but the waves still come and there are varying levels of grief that still come with that whole situation, but in some ways my grief has shifted.

What I mean by that is that I have become more and more sad that we have empty arms. We desire a baby so much and it is just sad to not have that desire fulfilled. Kaleigh has been saying a lot more about it too. She asked me if I could grow a baby in my belly for us and when she could be a big sister and telling us that she wants a baby. It is so sweet and so heartbreaking all at the same time. It has given us lots of opportunity to talk to her about adoption and the love her birth mom has for her and how we are waiting on God to give us another baby. It has caused us to pray more with her for a baby for us, which causes me to be more prayerful about it during the day. Waiting is just no fun.

There was also another element that came into our waiting. About 2 months ago we got information that we were in the top 3 for a birth mom. A few weeks later we were told that we were in her top 2 and she asked us and the other family to answer several questions for her. If you remember with Kaleigh we were in the top 2 seven different times and each time we were told no. So this wasn't our first rodeo. We knew the possibility of us getting chosen was just as good as it was for us to not get chosen. Still, it is obviously hard to not get your hopes up in that situation.

A few weeks into this whole "top 3, top 2" scenario Heath and I were talking and he said "no matter what happens I am resolving to worship and praise God." I think for both us we just needed to decide in our hearts that we would trust God with what He wanted for us. Well, last week we got the call that the birth mom chose the other family. It was a sad phone call to get. Sweet Kaleigh didn't know what to do with me crying so she said "blow your nose momma, you'll feel better." (Love her!) It is just so disappointing to not get chosen. And it feels like this waiting will never end. But the truth is, one day this waiting will be over and we will have a baby and we will look back and see God's plan in all of it-just like we see it in Kaleigh's life.

One thing God has been showing me is that I trust Him, but am not surrendered to how He is going to play it all out. I trust that God is going to give us a baby and that we will see His perfection and goodness to us in all of this. The problem comes in when I try to hold onto how I think He should play it out. When it doesn't play out like I think it should then I start to question Him and ask Him if He knows what He is doing. I'm not surrendered to how He wants to play this out in my life. So when He revealed that, I surrendered. "God not only do I trust You, but I surrender to how you want to do it." And it's a daily surrender for me. Every day, multiple times I day I have to tell Him I trust Him and I am surrendered to how He wants to do this.

Waiting is no fun, but there is lots to learn in the waiting and we see Him teaching us and showing us more of who He is. Pray for us that we will continue to trust Him and be surrendered to Him and His plan for this. We can't wait to see how He plays this out!

Where We Are

It's been almost 3 months since the boys were born, since we found out we wouldn't be adopting them. There is not one day that goes by that I don't think about them and wonder how they are doing, how their mom is doing. There's not one day that my heart doesn't ache over the loss we experienced in this failed adoption.

The first 3 weeks or so after we found out we weren't getting them were awful-more so than words could ever describe. Then it got better. It's not that I wasn't sad anymore or that I didn't hurt any more, it just wasn't as intense. Then it hit me all over again. I was talking to a friend about it and she said it reminded her about a blog post she read about the waves of grief. I could instantly connect to what she was describing.

The first 3 weeks it felt like we were in a hurricane-wave after wave crashing down. Then when it got better- it felt like we were in calmer waters. There were small waves, daily waves, that hit but nothing that knocked you over. Then the big waves started again. You know how it is when you're in the ocean. You're standing there just enjoying the water when all of a sudden a wave comes that just knocks you down. Maybe there are several waves like that, maybe there is just one, but you just weren't expecting it so you didn't brace yourself and then down you go. That's how these last few weeks have felt. I knew I wasn't "over it" (and I don't know if I ever fully will be), but I just didn't expect the grief to come crashing down again. I'm glad my friend referenced the waves of grief blog she read because it is so helpful for me to put a name to what I'm feeling and realizing that I'm probably not done experiencing crashing waves so I won't be surprised when it happens again.

We are also learning a lot about ourselves and about what we believe about God. To be honest, it is a struggle to trust His character. When we were going through infertility I had a hard time reconciling what I knew to be true about God and what I felt. It feels like I am going through the same thing again. I know God is good, but it doesn't feel like He is good. I know He is faithful but it doesn't feel like He is faithful. I realized as I was having my quiet time the other day that I'm almost waiting for Him to give us a baby and then I will believe those things. I will hold that baby and think back and see that He was being good and faithful to us in this and I will believe. What I'm realizing is that I shouldn't and don't want to wait until He gives me what I want to believe those things. I need to believe those things today because they are true today. A baby won't change His character.

As far as the adoption, we called a few weeks ago and they told us our book is being looked at and there is nothing we should change. As summer comes to a close, we will probably update our book because Kaleigh looks older now (I'm sorry but when did my baby turn into a little girl!! She seems so big to me) and we will put our family vacations from this spring/summer in there. We are just waiting and trying to trust His timing.

Again I will say that Kaleigh has been such a huge huge blessing to us in all of this. We just love her so much and are so thankful for her. She is at a really fun age where she communicates with us and we can have actual conversations with her. She has healed so many of the hurt places not just with infertility but with this failed adoption as well. We are forever grateful for her.

So Thankful

One of our greatest blessings during this time of grief has been our sweet Kaleigh.

We are so thankful for her and the laughter she has brought to us the last few weeks. When I told my dad what was happening with the twins, one of the things he said was "think of all the times you got told no the first time and then you got Kaleigh." I knew exactly what he meant. We cannot imagine our lives without Kaleigh. We are so thankful we got told no the other times, because Kaleigh is perfect for our family. And we love her birth family more than we could ever say. We know one day we will look back on this and see how whatever baby God gives us will be the perfect baby for our family and we pray we have as great a relationship with the birth mother this time as we do with Kaleigh's.

Kaleigh has been saying lots of funny things lately. The laughter has helped heal our hearts and we are so thankful for her. Here are some funny things Kaleigh has been saying lately (and I know since I'm her mom I probably think they are funnier than they really are!):

-One day she fell hard and Heath ran over and picked her up and she was sobbing. All she would say is "my ponytail!!" She was so upset because she thought her ponytail got messed up!

-We were talking about her college fund and she said "I not going to college." I asked her why and she responded "I want to stay at home."

-Several months ago Heath told Kaleigh that coffee makes mommy happy. Now every time you ask her what makes mommy happy and every time we see Starbucks in Target (which I have never bought a drink from), she says "Coffee makes mommy happy."

-She had paci's in her crib at nap and night time so we decided to take them away. We told her she could go to Target and trade in her paci's for any toy she wanted. We talked it up for days and several times a day she told me she wanted a wallet. When we got to Target we went to the toy dept. and she picked up an Olaf and carried it around and then put it down and picked up a Care Bear. A few minutes later she said "I want to put this back and get a wallet." So she got a wallet-ridiculous.

There have been many more, but I realize only Heath, family and I will think these are funny! All of that to say, we are thankful for the beautiful gift that she is.

How We Are

I want to start this post the same way I ended the last one-God is sustaining us by His grace. He is working in our hearts and He is healing them. We are grieving and grieving takes time. So we will go through the grieving process (however long that takes) and we will trust Him with our grief and trust Him to continue to heal our hearts.

This year I have been praying Psalm 105:4 into my life. It says "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually." I originally started praying that for several reasons 1) I often look to my own strength to get me through the day and I wanted to be reminded that I need the Lord's strength 2) I usually do my Bible time in the morning and by the end of the day I can't remember what I read so I wanted to be reminded to always be seeking Him all through my day 3) I was struggling in some parenting things with Kaleigh and I didn't want to parent in my own strength, but in His. God had other plans for how He was going to use this verse in my life. It has been so good for me to remind myself of this verse as we have traveled this road of grief. I need Him in a way I haven't felt in a long time. I need Him to be my strength because I just can't do it. I need Him to continually remind me of who He is and what the truth of His word says, because there are many times I question.

When we first found out and for several days after I just could not stop crying. It was interesting though because at my very heart of hearts I knew God was being good and faithful to us in this. I didn't understand what He was doing (still don't and maybe never will) but I was trusting Him. That night when Heath and I were talking I said (through tears) "I am so so sad, but I trust God." He said, "me too." I am so thankful that through this, we have been given the grace to trust God.

My goal for the first week was if everyone in our house was still alive and had been fed three meals then it was a victory. I couldn't talk about it. I cried at every text message, every voice mail, every Facebook comment or message-every single one. Every morning when we get Kaleigh up we sing her a song that says "Good morning God, this is Your day. I am your child. Show me Your way." On Friday morning I went to get her and said "Good morning God" and immediately lost it. I was trying to get her dressed and couldn't even see because of the tears. Heath was downstairs so I called up for his help because I just couldn't do it. There were lots of neighbors that we aren't connected with on Facebook and I cried every time I had to tell one of them. I say all that to say that there is just an unimaginable sadness. And it isn't just sadness for ourselves, it is also a sadness for the boys. We don't know for sure what kind of lifestyle they will have, but from what we do know, they will probably grow up in poverty and without stability and it just makes us sad for them. I am not saying that their mom will not be a good mom to them, I think she will be, I am just saying that we are sad that they will have to struggle through life. (I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound like we are condemning her for her choice to keep them)

About mid week last week I hit the angry stage. I just don't understand why. Why did we even get chosen if she was just going to change her mind? Why is is better for them to grow up in poverty than with us? Why did we have to go through infertility and now this, when it's so easy for others to have children? The list of why questions goes on and on. At the end of the day I just have to be okay with not knowing the answers to those questions. My prayer is "God, I don't understand, but help me trust you."

One thing we realized through this is that Heath and I grieve very differently. I go into survival mode-just trying to make it to the next day. He goes into work mode-just stay busy. He kept asking me about landscaping and I was thinking "I don't care, I just want to survive." We are learning to communicate and let each other know what our needs are during this time of grieving.

For now, we are just taking it day by day. Most days are better than they were last week, but most days still contain tears. We are continuing to just walk with God and asking Him to help us believe Him. We are slowly expanding back out to our social circle.

We are so thankful to all of you who have prayed for us, sent us messages, brought us food, brought me sweet tea and are grieving with us. We are thankful to be surrounded with such an unbelievable community of family and friends. We haven't responded to most messages, but please know we have read them and are thankful for your encouraging words. Please continue to pray for us as we continue through this process of grieving. Pray that we will continually "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually." I said this in a Facebook post but want to say it again: We don't know what the Lord is up to in this, but we know He is in it, and in that we take great hope. Thank you for walking this journey with us.

What Happened

This is a blog post I wish I never had to write. The last week has been really awful and I feel like we are just now coming out of the funk that our lives became. A lot of you have asked how we are doing so I thought it would just be easier for me to write it out. So in this blog I will tell you what happened and then I will write another blog (hopefully soon) to update you all on how we are.

Thursday, the 14th, Heath, Kaleigh and I went out for lunch. I had picked Heath up at work so I was dropping him back off when my phone rang. I figured it was our agency contacting us to tell us what to be ready for the next day. Almost immediately I knew that was not what this phone call was for. Our agency contact told us they had received a text from the birth mom saying she was going to the hospital. They immediately texted back and asked why since she didn't have an appointment that day. She said she would call them in an hour. The hour went by and she didn't call, so they called the social worker at the hospital. They have a release with the social workers so that they can legally give information out about the agency's clients. When they talked to the social worker she told them that the birth mom had called her and told her not to talk to the agency, that she wanted to talk to them herself. At that point the agency called us and told us that we needed to proceed as if she was changing her mind.

I cannot even begin to describe the heart ache that we immediately felt. We always say "adoption is not for the faint of heart," and oh my were we experiencing that first hand like we had never before. In any newborn adoption there is always the risk the birth mother will change her mind. Each state is different, but in Indiana she legally cannot sign over rights for 48 hours after birth. So you're pretty much in limbo until that time passes. We knew that going in, but especially after meeting her we were certain she was going to place with us.

A few hours later our agency called back to tell us that they still could not get in touch with her, she still wasn't allowing the social worker to talk to them and that we should let them know when we wanted our profile book to go back into rotation to be seen by other birth moms. We called our families at that point and told them what was going on and we let you all know the next day. We still held out some sort of hope that in the 48 hours after the birth she would change her mind and place with us, but as the 48 hours came and went, so did the hope of that happening. As of now, our agency still has not talked to her but did find out the boys are here and they are healthy. We are so thankful for that as that was one of our many prayers for them.

The next several days were filled with more tears than I can tell you. It's hard to explain what it feels like. I have never experienced a miscarriage, but I think the emotional toil of it would have to be similar (and others who have had miscarriages have told me it is similar emotions). The way it differs from a miscarriage is that it's like they died, but they didn't. They are alive and healthy. I have found myself thinking "they are a week old now." And I think I will always think like that-"they are going to kindergarten, they are going to middle school, they are....fill in the blank" I think I will just always wonder what they are doing and how they are doing, but know that I will never know the answers to those questions. It's like they were mine, but they aren't. Everyone in adoption says to guard yourself from thinking they are yours until they officially are, but I don't know how you do that so I didn't.

As of last week our book is officially back "on the shelf" so birth mothers can look at it and hopefully we will be picked again soon. It's hard to know how it's going to feel when we get picked again, but we are praying and believing God will give us peace when that time comes. I will update soon on how we are doing, but in the meantime know that God is sustaining us by His grace.

TWINS!!

Oh man! There is so much to update you on! As you know, we got chosen by a birth mom who is having twins sometime in May. Here's how it all went down.

On Monday, March 23rd, I signed up for a meeting at our adoption agency that is for people who are open to adopting a child of any race. I had to put my number on there in case there were any changes. The next day my phone rang with an Indianapolis number. It wasn't our agency's number but of course I answered-if you are in any type of adoption process you ALWAYS answer your phone, no matter what the number is. When I answered it was our contact from our agency. I didn't think much about it because I figured it was just something about the meeting I had signed us up for. We caught up for a minute or two and then she said "I'm going through your paperwork and can't find if you are open to twins or not." There had been a question mark next to that in our home study, and although I corrected it on there to put that we are, I still thought she was just calling to update our paperwork. So I said "Oh yeah! We are!" Little did I know!

She proceeded to tell me that she had a birth mother looking at our book who was pregnant with twins. I still didn't think too much about it because when we adopted Kaleigh we had 9 other people look at our book and weren't chosen. So I was thinking that she was probably looking at 10 people's books and our agency was trying to figure out who was open to twins.

She proceeded to tell me a lot of information about the birth mom. To be honest I wasn't 100% paying attention because I was trying to not get my hopes up and thinking we probably wouldn't get picked. When she got done I asked her "so how many books is she looking at?" I clearly was not expecting her response of "oh no, she chose you if you are open to twins." That is when I started freaking out. Bless her heart I was just babbling on and on saying "whoa, oh wow, oh, oh ok, oh my goodness...." and on and on. She told me she needed to know by 5 o'clock the next day if we accepted the match.

So if you remember with Kaleigh, I wanted a super fun picture of Heath and me when we found out. Well guess what? Heath was out of town-WHAT? Yep, out.of.town. So I call, no answer. Call, no answer. Call, no answer. Text, no response. Call and finally get him. This is how our conversation went:

Me: Are you sitting down?
H: yeah, what's up?
Me: we got matched
H: YES!
Me: It's twins
H: Oh wow!
H: Let me guess, it's girls (Heath is scared to death of having 3 girls!!) HAHA!

So, you obviously know that we said yes to the match! The first few days I oscillated between wanting to throw up and wanting to hyperventilate-ha! We are so excited, but it is also very overwhelming to go from 1 child to 3 and to think about having 2 the same age. Now that we have gotten used to the idea, the nursery mostly set up and been able to borrow almost everything we need, we feel like we are just able to wait in eager expectation for them.

We were able to meet the boys birth mother a couple of weeks ago and she is precious. She loves these boys so much and said she just can't give them the life she wants for them. We are so thankful for her and her decision to choose life for these boys and the loving, selfless, courageous, hard decision she made to give them up for adoption.

The boys are due at the end of May. To be honest, we are a little confused about the exact due date which I know sounds stupid, but they are going to take them early so we don't know if the date we have is the day they are due or the day they are going to take them. Either way, it doesn't really matter. Sometime in May they will be here.

They are identical twin boys-hopefully we can tell them apart!! We have a few tricks we have heard of to keep it straight! As for names, we have one for sure that we are going to use and are still deciding on the second name. We will announce as soon as we know for sure. As with any adoption, there is a chance she will change her mind. She has 48 hours to change her mind. After meeting her, we don't think she will, but we have to be prepared for that. If that happens, we know the Lord will see us through it.

We thank God for entrusting us with these two boys, and that He saw fit for us to get not just one baby but two. It is from Him that we have received this blessing. We love this beautiful journey He has us one!!

Where We Are

I always realize it's time to update the blog when I start getting a lot of questions about what is going on with our adoption. I so appreciate people asking us and seeing how much people care about us and about our child that we are waiting for.

The real update is there is no update. One thing about adoption is that it's a lot of hurry up and wait. We hurry up and get our paperwork in and then wait for it to be processed. We hurry up and get our home study scheduled and then we wait for it to actually happen. We hurry up and get our profile book ready and then wait for it to get into rotation. So lots of hurry up and wait.

So right now we are in another waiting season. Our book is officially "on the shelf" which means that birth mothers are able to look at it. Now we just wait until we get chosen. They have told us it could be a day or it could be 2 years and there is no way for them to know.  It is a little bit of a different process this time. Last time we got birth mother profiles and then said yes or no as to whether we wanted her to see our book. This time we said what we are okay with (as far as drug use, alcohol use, etc) on the front end and then they just show our book to those who fit within our parameters. So basically we have no idea when our book is being shown. We have the freedom to contact our agency at any time and ask how many times it has been shown and if there is any feedback on our book, but our book didn't go into rotation until after Thanksgiving and then they were closed a lot around Christmas/New Year's. So all that to say I doubt our book has been shown very much. We will call in March and see where we stand.

This adoption has been different in another sense as well. When we started the adoption process with Kaleigh we were coming from a hard place. We were so heartbroken and devestated at the news of not being able to have biological children, we were in such a low place emotionally from walking the ups and downs of infertility, we were in a place spiritually that is not a fun place to be-desperately trying to hope in the Lord while still struggling to believe. It was just hard.

This time we are walking into adoption from a place of blessing and joy. Kaleigh is such a blessing and a joy to us and we are so thankful to be her parents. When we were waiting to adopt her we often wondered if we would ever have children and if our family would ever grow. Now, we don't have that question. We have a child and we have an expanded family. We are so thankful for that. It really does make this adoption different for us.

The one thing that hasn't changed with this adoption is the desire for a child. We still have the same desire as we did the first time. We wait with expectation to see how God will choose to unfold the story of our second child. We know that if the months drag on and we still are not chosen, that we will battle through many of the same emotions. Our prayer is that we will be able to look back on all the Lord did in Kaleigh's adoption and take great hope in that. We have already seen and know we will continue to see the Lord's character play out as this story unfolds. We are so thankful that He is unchanging. Please pray for us as we continue to wait on Him. Pray that we will trust Him and believe His Word.