What Happened

This is a blog post I wish I never had to write. The last week has been really awful and I feel like we are just now coming out of the funk that our lives became. A lot of you have asked how we are doing so I thought it would just be easier for me to write it out. So in this blog I will tell you what happened and then I will write another blog (hopefully soon) to update you all on how we are.

Thursday, the 14th, Heath, Kaleigh and I went out for lunch. I had picked Heath up at work so I was dropping him back off when my phone rang. I figured it was our agency contacting us to tell us what to be ready for the next day. Almost immediately I knew that was not what this phone call was for. Our agency contact told us they had received a text from the birth mom saying she was going to the hospital. They immediately texted back and asked why since she didn't have an appointment that day. She said she would call them in an hour. The hour went by and she didn't call, so they called the social worker at the hospital. They have a release with the social workers so that they can legally give information out about the agency's clients. When they talked to the social worker she told them that the birth mom had called her and told her not to talk to the agency, that she wanted to talk to them herself. At that point the agency called us and told us that we needed to proceed as if she was changing her mind.

I cannot even begin to describe the heart ache that we immediately felt. We always say "adoption is not for the faint of heart," and oh my were we experiencing that first hand like we had never before. In any newborn adoption there is always the risk the birth mother will change her mind. Each state is different, but in Indiana she legally cannot sign over rights for 48 hours after birth. So you're pretty much in limbo until that time passes. We knew that going in, but especially after meeting her we were certain she was going to place with us.

A few hours later our agency called back to tell us that they still could not get in touch with her, she still wasn't allowing the social worker to talk to them and that we should let them know when we wanted our profile book to go back into rotation to be seen by other birth moms. We called our families at that point and told them what was going on and we let you all know the next day. We still held out some sort of hope that in the 48 hours after the birth she would change her mind and place with us, but as the 48 hours came and went, so did the hope of that happening. As of now, our agency still has not talked to her but did find out the boys are here and they are healthy. We are so thankful for that as that was one of our many prayers for them.

The next several days were filled with more tears than I can tell you. It's hard to explain what it feels like. I have never experienced a miscarriage, but I think the emotional toil of it would have to be similar (and others who have had miscarriages have told me it is similar emotions). The way it differs from a miscarriage is that it's like they died, but they didn't. They are alive and healthy. I have found myself thinking "they are a week old now." And I think I will always think like that-"they are going to kindergarten, they are going to middle school, they are....fill in the blank" I think I will just always wonder what they are doing and how they are doing, but know that I will never know the answers to those questions. It's like they were mine, but they aren't. Everyone in adoption says to guard yourself from thinking they are yours until they officially are, but I don't know how you do that so I didn't.

As of last week our book is officially back "on the shelf" so birth mothers can look at it and hopefully we will be picked again soon. It's hard to know how it's going to feel when we get picked again, but we are praying and believing God will give us peace when that time comes. I will update soon on how we are doing, but in the meantime know that God is sustaining us by His grace.