Decisions Made

Time for an update!! A few posts back I talked again about our adoption and how we had 18 no's. That number is now up to 27. So that means 27 times we have had our book shown to an expectant mom and 27 times they have chosen another family. 27 times is a lot. It's almost become a joke to us (inasmuch as it can be) by us saying "27th time is the charm." I'm pretty sure we started saying that back in the teens sometime. It's funny but it's not. I think it probably comes more from a cynical heart. Someone asked me the other day where I was in my heart with it all and I said every time we present I just assume we won't get chosen. To be honest it's hard to know how to process it all. Of course I know the truth-that God can provide for us at any time and in any way that He wants to, but it just doesn't seem like He will.

We are to the point in our process where we said we would re-evaluate and see if we wanted to continue with the adoption process or to just be done. We ended up having a conversation about it in June and realized that we would not have to pay any additional fees to keep going until the end of January, so we have decided to go until January and if God has not provided for us by then, we will be done.

I obviously have mixed feelings about this. Part of me is so thankful to have an end date in mind. Like I talked about in the last update I gave, adoption is so so draining and it feels good to have an end date to the draining. With that though I am fully aware that January may come and we may not be matched/have a baby. I know if that happens it will be a death of a dream for me. There will be a season of grieving and grieving is never fun. It's never fun to die to something that you so strongly desire. I can tell God is preparing me for the possibility of that. I feel more okay in my heart if God is saying no. My constant prayer is "God, help me want what You want more than I want what I want."

I'm still hopeful that God will provide a baby for us. I'm still hopeful that His answer isn't no, but just wait. I'm still hopeful that one day we will have another baby in our home. For now though, I will thank God for the two amazing children He has given us and continue to try to love and serve them the best way I possibly can.