Ramblings of my heart...

Well, here is a post that I have been mulling over the last couple of days. How do I take all that is going on in my heart and explain it in a blog? I'm not sure but here's my best shot.

As you know we had our profile book presented 2 weeks ago today to a birth mom due Dec. 20th. We anxiously awaited news to hear if we had been chosen or not. You never know how long it is going to take to hear back so you just kind of anxiously wait around all day every day wondering if that will be the day. Needless to say my phone is pretty much attached to the palm of my hand and I will answer any number any time, I don't care what I am doing. 

On Tuesday September 4th we got an email saying that the birth parents had narrowed it down to two families-us and another family-and that we would hear Friday and no later than Monday if we were chosen. I can't tell you what it does to your heart to hear that you made it to the top 2. I can't decide if it's better or worse to know that. In some ways it is better because you can pray more specifically, but in other ways it's worse because you're so close (by the way, this is not the first time we have been in the top 2, it's probably the 3rd time so I have had a lot of time to think about whether it's best to know or not).

Friday rolls around and no answer. Early that evening I get a phone call from Carlee saying they haven't made a decision and will for sure have an answer on Monday. I had to sub on Monday so I made sure to let Carlee and our agency know I wouldn't be able to answer the phone until after 3. I got out a little early so I gave Carlee a call. There was still no answer from the birth parents. I call the agency and they say the bp's are having a hard time deciding but they are going to try to get an answer. Monday turns into Tuesday and still no answer. Finally at about 11 a.m. Tuesday we hear that will make a decision at 1 p.m. 

At 2:40ish I get a phone call from Carlee-this is it, the moment of truth. They picked the other family. What? Seriously? You're kidding? I think I asked Carlee those exact things. Seriously, we made it to the top 2 again and didn't get picked? Talk about heart wrenching. I then proceeded to bawl my eyes out. Did I mention I was in the Walmart parking lot when this all went down? So I proceed to drive home as I bawl my eyes out. Sweet Carlee listened and encouraged and reminded me of truth. I just cried. I got home and the poor dog we are dog-sitting didn't know what to make of me. I was a mess and could not control the sobbing. She would just look at me like "what's going on?" 

It's been 3 days since we found out that yet again we didn't get chosen and I am still sad. I don't know what has made this one worse. I think I was just so hopeful. Whenever I am so hopeful the disappointment seems to increase. I so want to believe truth in those moments and have faith and trust God, but it's a battle. One sweet friend (a new friend here in Columbus, by the way-God has been sweet to give me friendships here) reminded me that ultimately I do trust Him and I do believe He is good but I have to take time to grieve what could have been. Those were the sweetest words to me. 

I needed it to be okay for me to be sad and it was. I so often think I have to come to God put together. I have huge expectations on myself and how I should react in situations and when I don't react the way I think I should I am so disappointed in myself. I am thankful God gave her the grace that day to remind me to take some time to grieve, to fall apart before God. To come to Him as I was-sad and disappointed and full of questions. In a lot of ways I am still those 3 things. 

So we will move forward from here. There are possibly some other opportunities that we will present to soon and there is another agency that we will be applying to next week. If you think of us, pray for us. We so desire to have children and to raise a family and the waiting is hard. I got a text from another sweet friend in response to the news that we hadn't been chosen that said "that sucks." That's how I feel a lot of times. It just sucks that we haven't been able to get pregnant and haven't gotten chosen to adopt a baby yet. Pray for us as we need so much of God's grace in our lives as we go along on this beautiful journey.