Fear is a funny thing

Fear really is a funny thing. I remember before we started trying to get pregnant I was so scared we would have complications getting pregnant. Once we started having problems I was so scared they would tell us we would never get pregnant. When they told us we'd probably never get pregnant and we started the adoption process there was a whole new slew of things I was scared of: how are we going to pay for it, how long will it take, will we get chosen. Now that we are chosen I am so scared she will change her mind. And I know once we have her I will be so scared something will happen to her. Like I said, fear is a funny thing.

I thought when we got chosen by a birth mom my fear would go away, but it most certainly hasn't. I have found myself fearful of so many things. The biggest, of course, is the birth mother changing her mind. In FL, the birth mom has 48 hours to change her mind. We have no reason to think she'll change her mind-our agency says she is sure, the birth mom refers to the baby as "your baby," etc.-but the fear is still there. I am scared to death we will get there, meet this precious little one and then have to say goodbye. And that could happen.

Something I have realized as I have searched my heart over this continual fear-it just changes from being scared of one thing to being scared of another-is that it is the same heart issue: I don't trust God. I don't trust that He has the very best for us. I don't trust His plan for our lives and I want to control it. I don't trust that He is wise and good and faithful. So it brings me back to one word: surrender. Such an easy word to say, yet so hard to live out.

This past Sunday at church we sang the song "Surrender." Here are the lyrics:

I'm giving You my heart
All that is within
I lay it all down
For the sake of You my King
I'm giving You my dreams laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride
For the promise of new life

And I Surrender
All to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song
I'm waiting at the Cross
All the world holds dear
I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You
For the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy
Even sharing in Your pain

This is the prayer of my heart. I pray that I will constantly be surrendered to the Lord of the Universe. Surrender is not a one time thing to me, it is an every day, moment by moment thing. I am constantly needing to surrender the things I want for the things He wants (which is so much better than what I want anyway). And I really do want what is going to bring the most glory to Him and what is going to cause me to know Him better.

 I'm coming to realize there will probably always be something I am afraid of, but I can trust the One who holds our beautiful journey in His hands and know that He is working everything out for our good (Rom. 8:28)