Just For Today

It's been a while since I updated. As usual, there is nothing much to update. We are still waiting to get matched with a birth mother. As usual, the waiting is hard. And as usual, the Lord is sustaining us.

This summer I went to The Gospel Coalition Women's Conference. It was so so good. The talks I heard were challenging and helped grow my view of God. While I was there, I heard about a talk given entitled "Walking by Faith When Dreams are Delayed" by Betsy Childs Howard. When I heard the title, I knew I had to hear it. As soon as the talks were posted to the website, I listened to the talk. It was so so good! There were several things that stuck out to me, but I wanted to share one of them with you.

She talked about how God's mercy is new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). She talks about how God gives us the grace and mercy we need to face THAT DAY. She reminded us that we don't have to trust God with what's going to happen 5 years from now, we just have to be able to trust Him for the next 24 hours. She challenged us to ask ourselves "Can I live without _____________ for the next 24 hours?" If the answer is yes, then you can get through the long haul.

This was so so good for me because I get stuck in trying to play out my life and try to figure out what my life is going to look like and it can bring me anxiety. I often feel stuck in this adoption and feel like it is never going to end, so if I can just trust God with today then I don't feel as stuck. I just have to be able to get through today and trust what He has for me today. Most days, by His grace, I can do that. (notice I said most days!)

So this isn't much of an update, but just wanted to share something I felt like God has been working on my heart and how He's teaching me to trust Him.

One Year and an Update

On May 14th it had been a year since we found out we were not going to be getting the boys. In God's goodness to us He gave us a vacation that very week. We didn't seek out that week to be gone, but that is when we were able to get the timeshare we were using, and for me, I see God's hand all over that. There has not been one day in the last year that I have not thought about those boys. I wonder how they are doing, I track in my head what they are probably doing developmentally, I wonder how their mom is, I wonder what happened to change her mind, I just think about them a lot. I am thankful that instead of being here reliving that day in my mind detail by detail, we were at the beach as a family with our sweet friends. 

Another aspect that has been hard is that we didn't think we would be a year out from that and still not have a baby. It has been hard for us to understand what God is doing. I look at Kaleigh's beautiful face everyday and am reminded that He has a great plan for us, because I absolutely cannot imagine not being her mom. And I know one day I will look into the face of another beautiful child and think the same thing, but the waiting is just hard. 

One update that we do have is that we have begun to work with another adoption agency. The agency we are currently working with doesn't really love their families working with other agencies. However, since we haven't had much movement with them and the only real feedback they ever give us is "everyone loves your book," we asked their permission to work with another agency and they said yes (much to our surprise!).

In January I began thinking about asking our agency to work with more agencies and therefore began looking into agencies. The problem I ran into is that most agencies were way outside our budget. I remembered though that my friend (and our adoption consultant when we adopted Kaleigh) opened an agency a couple hours from where we live. I looked into it and asked her if they were accepting applications and got the go ahead to apply. Once we got permission from the agency we have been working with we went ahead and turned our paper work in and got accepted. 

We don't know what God will do with this, but we are happy to feel like we were at least able to make a step forward in this process. So now we will be working with both agencies. We are praying God will provide a baby for us soon. Thanks for walking alongside us in this process! 

Being A Mom

To be a mom is one of the greatest blessings of my life. There was a time in my life when I wondered if God would ever fulfill the deep desire I had to be a mom. Then He gave us Kaleigh. There will never be enough words to describe how thankful I am that God chose me to be her mom. I tell her all the time that she is a blessing and a joy to me-those words don't even begin to describe all she is to me.

Kaleigh is such a sweet, sweet girl. She is constantly "mothering" her babies. She bounces them to get them to stop "crying." She feeds them food and changes their diapers. She is going to be such a great big sister. She is also really funny. You never know what is going to come out of her mouth. The other day she told me when she grows up she wants to "play with her friends and have someone drive her around!" She loves to read. Lately she is really into "Fancy Nancy" and "Pinkalicious."Her favorite outdoor activity is swinging. I'm pretty sure she'd swing for hours if we let her.

One thing most people don't know about Kaleigh is that she talks ALL THE TIME. When she is in public or in a big group of people she hardly ever talks, but if we are with only a few people or people she is comfortable with, she doesn't stop talking. In the last couple of weeks I have been in a smaller setting with some people I usually only see in bigger groups and they have all said something to the effect of "I have never heard her talk so much." It always takes me by surprise when people say that because I hear her talk so much.

I am so so grateful to be her mom. Our days are not without struggle, but I would not trade them for anything. This morning as I was praying for her, I was overwhelmed with gratitude for her.

Of course, none of this would be possible without the love and sacrifice of another woman. The love and respect I have for Kaleigh's birth mom is something else that words could never describe. She carried this sweet girl in her womb for 9 months, gave birth to her and then entrusted her to us. She gave us an unbelievable gift. I remember leaving the hospital with her and having no idea what to say to her. How do you thank someone for giving you one of the greatest gifts of your life? The magnitude of her decision is not lost on me.

I am forever grateful that because of her, my desire to become a mom was fulfilled. It is one of the greatest privileges of my life.



                                 

Adoption is Hard

There are all kinds of hashtags out there about adoption. #adoptionrocks #adoptionislove #lovebuildsafamily.  And of course all of those things are true, but you don't ever see anyone #adoptionishard, but it's the truth. Let me say from the beginning that adoption is absolutely worth it and I am so thankful for it, but it's just hard. I hope this post doesn't come across as a "Debby Downer" post, but more here's what's going on in our lives and this is what is hard about adoption.

We never thought we would go through a failed adoption, but we did and it was and still is hard. We didn't think we would be a year and a half into this process and still not have a baby, but here we are and it's hard. We didn't think about all the questions we would have to fight through-what's wrong with us? Why doesn't God want us to grow our family? What is He trying to teach us in this? Are we just not "getting it?" What are we suppose to be "getting?" Are we with the right agency? What are we suppose to be doing? All these questions are hard. (For the record I know that most of these questions are lies and I shouldn't "go there" but hey this is just real life)

Adoption is so hard because you have this unbelievable desire to have a child and yet you have no idea when God is going to fulfill your desire. Every day I think "is this going to be the day we get the call?" And I proceed to spend my day wondering if my phone is going to ring. One thing I have started doing is putting it on Do Not Disturb during Kaleigh's nap time so I have a break each day from being obsessed with my phone.

Adoption is also hard because you're constantly living in a limbo-do we plan that vacation,what if we have a newborn? Do I commit to (fill in the blank), what if we have a newborn? Do we start that big project we need to do, what if we get a baby in the middle of this and can't finish? It's constant limbo when it come to decision making. There are so many ups and downs and so many things playing out in your mind all the time.

So here's the thing, adoption is hard. But it also rocks, it is love and love does build a family. I know God is going to play this out in an unbelievable way in our lives. I just don't want to act like it's all butterflies and rainbows. There is just a hard reality to adoption. We are unbelievably thankful for how God grew our family through adoption and are excited to see Him do it again. Please be praying for us as we wait on God's timing.

Update

As always, I remember that I haven't posted for a while when I start to get a lot of questions about what is going on with our adoption. I so appreciate people asking what is going on. Sadly, the answer is...nothing. Nothing is going on with the adoption. We are still waiting. We talked to our agency a few weeks ago and they said "everyone loves your book."

It has still been a struggle to wait on His timing and to be surrendered to His will. One song that I heard has really ministered to my heart. It's called "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns and here are the lyrics.

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go

I love how it talks about how there is freedom in surrender. I am a control freak and this is just something I simply cannot control. There is so much freedom when I surrender to what God is doing and what He wants for our family. The song says lay it down and let it go. I continually have to do that.

I also love the chorus and how it talks to how I am not alone, my world is falling into place and He is on the throne. God is not unaware of my circumstances and He is on the throne. I can run to Him and find rest in Him.

The next verse really hit home with me too. If my eyes are on the cross, I will know He loves me and always will. When I let my heart stray away from the gospel and what God has already accomplished for me on the cross then I start to question God and His character. But when my heart is set on the gospel and I remember that God has already met my greatest need (my salvation from my sin) then I am able to take my eyes off my circumstances and look to Him and believe the truth about Him.

I feel like I could write something about every line of this song, but one last thing that I will write about is how not one tear is wasted and that He is making beauty from ashes. This second adoption has felt like a lot of ashes, but He will make it beautiful and there is great hope in that. My life is in His hands and I find great comfort in that.

One other thing that has this whole waiting process bearable for us is our sweet Kaleigh (by the way, am I the only one that can't believe that sweet thing is 3? what in the world?) There are a couple of things about her that have helped. One, is that we remember the process with her. It was so hard to wait but oh my goodness it was so worth the wait. When we think about her and how the process with her was so hard, yet we are unbelievably thankful that the Lord saw fit for her to be our daughter and absolutely cannot imagine life without her. Two, she is so sweet and absolutely hilarious. She says the funniest things and loves giving hugs and kisses. She is such a joy and such a blessing to us. We thank God for her everyday and are so thankful for her birth mom.

So, no real update, but as always God is working in our hearts and teaching us much about Himself.

Waiting is No Fun

Wow it's been a long time since I have updated this blog! Whoops!

The last time I wrote, I wrote about the waves of grief. Let me tell you, they still keep coming. We are still incredibly sad about the boys, I am pretty sure there will always be a part of our hearts that is sad over that. I still wonder how they are doing and if they are safe and if the birth mom has the support she needs, if she feels loved. I will probably always wonder those things. For the most part the waves haven't been huge and haven't really knocked me over, but the waves still come and there are varying levels of grief that still come with that whole situation, but in some ways my grief has shifted.

What I mean by that is that I have become more and more sad that we have empty arms. We desire a baby so much and it is just sad to not have that desire fulfilled. Kaleigh has been saying a lot more about it too. She asked me if I could grow a baby in my belly for us and when she could be a big sister and telling us that she wants a baby. It is so sweet and so heartbreaking all at the same time. It has given us lots of opportunity to talk to her about adoption and the love her birth mom has for her and how we are waiting on God to give us another baby. It has caused us to pray more with her for a baby for us, which causes me to be more prayerful about it during the day. Waiting is just no fun.

There was also another element that came into our waiting. About 2 months ago we got information that we were in the top 3 for a birth mom. A few weeks later we were told that we were in her top 2 and she asked us and the other family to answer several questions for her. If you remember with Kaleigh we were in the top 2 seven different times and each time we were told no. So this wasn't our first rodeo. We knew the possibility of us getting chosen was just as good as it was for us to not get chosen. Still, it is obviously hard to not get your hopes up in that situation.

A few weeks into this whole "top 3, top 2" scenario Heath and I were talking and he said "no matter what happens I am resolving to worship and praise God." I think for both us we just needed to decide in our hearts that we would trust God with what He wanted for us. Well, last week we got the call that the birth mom chose the other family. It was a sad phone call to get. Sweet Kaleigh didn't know what to do with me crying so she said "blow your nose momma, you'll feel better." (Love her!) It is just so disappointing to not get chosen. And it feels like this waiting will never end. But the truth is, one day this waiting will be over and we will have a baby and we will look back and see God's plan in all of it-just like we see it in Kaleigh's life.

One thing God has been showing me is that I trust Him, but am not surrendered to how He is going to play it all out. I trust that God is going to give us a baby and that we will see His perfection and goodness to us in all of this. The problem comes in when I try to hold onto how I think He should play it out. When it doesn't play out like I think it should then I start to question Him and ask Him if He knows what He is doing. I'm not surrendered to how He wants to play this out in my life. So when He revealed that, I surrendered. "God not only do I trust You, but I surrender to how you want to do it." And it's a daily surrender for me. Every day, multiple times I day I have to tell Him I trust Him and I am surrendered to how He wants to do this.

Waiting is no fun, but there is lots to learn in the waiting and we see Him teaching us and showing us more of who He is. Pray for us that we will continue to trust Him and be surrendered to Him and His plan for this. We can't wait to see how He plays this out!

Where We Are

It's been almost 3 months since the boys were born, since we found out we wouldn't be adopting them. There is not one day that goes by that I don't think about them and wonder how they are doing, how their mom is doing. There's not one day that my heart doesn't ache over the loss we experienced in this failed adoption.

The first 3 weeks or so after we found out we weren't getting them were awful-more so than words could ever describe. Then it got better. It's not that I wasn't sad anymore or that I didn't hurt any more, it just wasn't as intense. Then it hit me all over again. I was talking to a friend about it and she said it reminded her about a blog post she read about the waves of grief. I could instantly connect to what she was describing.

The first 3 weeks it felt like we were in a hurricane-wave after wave crashing down. Then when it got better- it felt like we were in calmer waters. There were small waves, daily waves, that hit but nothing that knocked you over. Then the big waves started again. You know how it is when you're in the ocean. You're standing there just enjoying the water when all of a sudden a wave comes that just knocks you down. Maybe there are several waves like that, maybe there is just one, but you just weren't expecting it so you didn't brace yourself and then down you go. That's how these last few weeks have felt. I knew I wasn't "over it" (and I don't know if I ever fully will be), but I just didn't expect the grief to come crashing down again. I'm glad my friend referenced the waves of grief blog she read because it is so helpful for me to put a name to what I'm feeling and realizing that I'm probably not done experiencing crashing waves so I won't be surprised when it happens again.

We are also learning a lot about ourselves and about what we believe about God. To be honest, it is a struggle to trust His character. When we were going through infertility I had a hard time reconciling what I knew to be true about God and what I felt. It feels like I am going through the same thing again. I know God is good, but it doesn't feel like He is good. I know He is faithful but it doesn't feel like He is faithful. I realized as I was having my quiet time the other day that I'm almost waiting for Him to give us a baby and then I will believe those things. I will hold that baby and think back and see that He was being good and faithful to us in this and I will believe. What I'm realizing is that I shouldn't and don't want to wait until He gives me what I want to believe those things. I need to believe those things today because they are true today. A baby won't change His character.

As far as the adoption, we called a few weeks ago and they told us our book is being looked at and there is nothing we should change. As summer comes to a close, we will probably update our book because Kaleigh looks older now (I'm sorry but when did my baby turn into a little girl!! She seems so big to me) and we will put our family vacations from this spring/summer in there. We are just waiting and trying to trust His timing.

Again I will say that Kaleigh has been such a huge huge blessing to us in all of this. We just love her so much and are so thankful for her. She is at a really fun age where she communicates with us and we can have actual conversations with her. She has healed so many of the hurt places not just with infertility but with this failed adoption as well. We are forever grateful for her.