Not What I Thought

One of the things that has been really hard for me as I go through infertility and even the adoption process is reconciling Scripture with my circumstances and feelings. I think the verses that have been especially hard for me are ones about asking God for something, Him hearing and then Him providing. Now I know that God doesn't say yes to us all the time-he's not a vending machine where we just put our requests in and out comes the answer we want and He's not like Santa Clause where I go to Him and tell Him my wish list and then one day they all suddenly appear. But God loves children and He says they are a blessing from Him. So why wouldn't He want us to be able to have them on our own? I have often felt like God was not hearing me.

Insert here my day of extended time with God. You know the day I studied John 15. I wrote about what I learned about pruning from verse 2, but God was not done with me that day. John 15:7 says: "If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you." My gut reaction was "yeah right." I have a tendency to be a bit cynical! I asked God that day to show me what it meant to abide in Him and I do really want to know what that looks like, but that's not the biggest thing God showed me from this verse. The thing that He convicted my heart over is that even if it feels like He is not doing whatever I wish even though I am abiding in Him, He is doing what I wish.

No, He isn't allowing me to get pregnant or have a baby in my arms right now, but that is not the only prayer I have been praying in the last few years. As I look back at my journals from about 2-3 years ago one of the main things I was praying for my life is that I would recognize my dependence on Him. Whether I feel like it or not, I am dependent,  but I wanted to sense my dependence. Well you know what? I wished for that it was done for me. I have never felt more needy for God or more dependent on Him than I have in the past year. I have a sense of dependency. I also have been praying that I will continually be surrendered to His will for my life. Well guess what, infertility is not my will and to be honest neither was adoption (it is now though!), but it is His and I have to be surrendered to that. I feel like daily I am surrendering my desire for a child to Him and asking for His help in trusting His plan.

When I first read verse 7 that day, I was upset in my heart. I am so thankful that God showed me that He is answering my prayers. It may not be my prayer for a child right now, but He is being faithful to answer and to conform me more to the image of Christ. I am thankful that I can "ask whatever I wish, and it will be done for me."