Time for an update!! A few posts back I talked again about our adoption and how we had 18 no's. That number is now up to 27. So that means 27 times we have had our book shown to an expectant mom and 27 times they have chosen another family. 27 times is a lot. It's almost become a joke to us (inasmuch as it can be) by us saying "27th time is the charm." I'm pretty sure we started saying that back in the teens sometime. It's funny but it's not. I think it probably comes more from a cynical heart. Someone asked me the other day where I was in my heart with it all and I said every time we present I just assume we won't get chosen. To be honest it's hard to know how to process it all. Of course I know the truth-that God can provide for us at any time and in any way that He wants to, but it just doesn't seem like He will.
We are to the point in our process where we said we would re-evaluate and see if we wanted to continue with the adoption process or to just be done. We ended up having a conversation about it in June and realized that we would not have to pay any additional fees to keep going until the end of January, so we have decided to go until January and if God has not provided for us by then, we will be done.
I obviously have mixed feelings about this. Part of me is so thankful to have an end date in mind. Like I talked about in the last update I gave, adoption is so so draining and it feels good to have an end date to the draining. With that though I am fully aware that January may come and we may not be matched/have a baby. I know if that happens it will be a death of a dream for me. There will be a season of grieving and grieving is never fun. It's never fun to die to something that you so strongly desire. I can tell God is preparing me for the possibility of that. I feel more okay in my heart if God is saying no. My constant prayer is "God, help me want what You want more than I want what I want."
I'm still hopeful that God will provide a baby for us. I'm still hopeful that His answer isn't no, but just wait. I'm still hopeful that one day we will have another baby in our home. For now though, I will thank God for the two amazing children He has given us and continue to try to love and serve them the best way I possibly can.
Friday, August 10, 2018
Sunday, May 27, 2018
All Things?
Weird title for a blog post right? Let me explain. The last few months our pastors have been preaching through the book of Romans. When they announced they were going to preach through it I decided I would study Romans in my personal Bible time too. This week in my Bible time I reached the verse that many people know and many people quote. Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I'm sure you've heard it, even if only in part or a paraphrase. It's a go-to phrase for times of grief and trial.
I've read this verse more times than I can count, I memorized it, I have reminded myself of the truth in it, but I have often questioned it. These last few months have carried some heavy things for me and not just things that are happening to me, but things that are happening to those I know- friends losing their spouses way too early, friends going through miscarriage, friends losing their children to terrible diseases, dear friends getting a diagnosis that doesn't have a good prognosis, friends getting the news that their desire to start or grow their family just may not happen and the list goes on. That's my friends. I've had my own things going on too-we are up to 21 no's in the adoption process (see my last post for how I feel about that). It's been heavy y'all.
And then there's this verse-God works all things for the good. All things? Really? To be honest, it just doesn't seem like it. How are those things good? This time around though I realized something that I had never really thought about before. God's definition of good and my definition of good are not always the same. He's not saying here that all things are good, but that all things work for the good. And what is His definition of good? His definition of good is me becoming more like Jesus. At the end of all these bad things, if I am more like Him then that's a good thing. God does not delight in seeing me or anyone else suffer in this world, but He does delight in me becoming more like Him. And that's good. My definition of good is often circumstantial- no cancer, no disease, getting to have a baby when you want one, etc. God's definition of good is about my character- more holiness, more righteousness, more like Jesus. I had never made that connection before. I think I always thought of it as at the end of bad circumstances there will be some good circumstance to come of it, but that's not what it's saying. That obviously can happen- I think about our infertility and how if that had never happened we wouldn't have our two precious children, so yes, good things happen out of hard circumstances, but that's not the totality of what this verse is saying. What it's saying is that the most precious thing to be gained is to be more like Jesus.
The question now becomes do I want what God wants more than I want what I want? Am I more interested in getting the good circumstances or do I want to be more like Jesus? Am I ok with being like Jesus being the good thing? Hard questions, but necessary.
I'm not naive enough to think that everyone reading this is a Christ follower or believes the Bible is true. If that's you, let me say this-I know that this may not make sense to you. I didn't become a Christian until I was 19 so I would have thought this was crazy talk if I would have heard it before then. My challenge to you would be to read the book of John and see who Jesus really is because I think our society has made it really hard to know who He really is, so I ask you to find out for yourself. I'd love to talk to you more about it if you do decide to find out who He really is.
I can see in my life how difficult times have grown me and grown my faith and made me more like Jesus. And for that I am thankful, even when the hard stuff continues to be hard.
I've read this verse more times than I can count, I memorized it, I have reminded myself of the truth in it, but I have often questioned it. These last few months have carried some heavy things for me and not just things that are happening to me, but things that are happening to those I know- friends losing their spouses way too early, friends going through miscarriage, friends losing their children to terrible diseases, dear friends getting a diagnosis that doesn't have a good prognosis, friends getting the news that their desire to start or grow their family just may not happen and the list goes on. That's my friends. I've had my own things going on too-we are up to 21 no's in the adoption process (see my last post for how I feel about that). It's been heavy y'all.
And then there's this verse-God works all things for the good. All things? Really? To be honest, it just doesn't seem like it. How are those things good? This time around though I realized something that I had never really thought about before. God's definition of good and my definition of good are not always the same. He's not saying here that all things are good, but that all things work for the good. And what is His definition of good? His definition of good is me becoming more like Jesus. At the end of all these bad things, if I am more like Him then that's a good thing. God does not delight in seeing me or anyone else suffer in this world, but He does delight in me becoming more like Him. And that's good. My definition of good is often circumstantial- no cancer, no disease, getting to have a baby when you want one, etc. God's definition of good is about my character- more holiness, more righteousness, more like Jesus. I had never made that connection before. I think I always thought of it as at the end of bad circumstances there will be some good circumstance to come of it, but that's not what it's saying. That obviously can happen- I think about our infertility and how if that had never happened we wouldn't have our two precious children, so yes, good things happen out of hard circumstances, but that's not the totality of what this verse is saying. What it's saying is that the most precious thing to be gained is to be more like Jesus.
The question now becomes do I want what God wants more than I want what I want? Am I more interested in getting the good circumstances or do I want to be more like Jesus? Am I ok with being like Jesus being the good thing? Hard questions, but necessary.
I'm not naive enough to think that everyone reading this is a Christ follower or believes the Bible is true. If that's you, let me say this-I know that this may not make sense to you. I didn't become a Christian until I was 19 so I would have thought this was crazy talk if I would have heard it before then. My challenge to you would be to read the book of John and see who Jesus really is because I think our society has made it really hard to know who He really is, so I ask you to find out for yourself. I'd love to talk to you more about it if you do decide to find out who He really is.
I can see in my life how difficult times have grown me and grown my faith and made me more like Jesus. And for that I am thankful, even when the hard stuff continues to be hard.
Friday, May 11, 2018
When Mother's Day is Sad
Every year I repost a blog I did a few years ago about Mother’s Day, but this year I decided to write a different one.
Mother’s Day is a wonderful holiday and for sure needs to be celebrated. Let’s face it being a mom is hard work. Just this past week Heath was out of town so I was solo parenting. Let me just pause there and give a huge shout out to single moms, moms whose husbands are in the military and any other situation where you find yourself solo mom-ing it. You're a rock star. Anyway Heath was out of town and one night I put my kids to bed at 6:25 because I just couldn’t do it for one more second. So yeah, it’s hard work. It’s also one of the greatest joys of my life. I love these kids so so so much. I want to be celebrated as a mom!
At the same time Mother’s Day is really sad for me and I know it's sad for others.
When I was 15 my mom passed away from a battle with cancer. Words cannot express how badly I wish she were here to celebrate, to be celebrated by her grandkids. I was just thinking the other day how much she would love them! So even though I will be celebrating this weekend, there will also be a bit of sadness that comes along with it.
I have a few friends who have lost their moms this past year and I have been thinking all week how hard it is going to be for them. This Mother’s Day will be sad for them.
Another way it’s sad is that even though I’m already a mother I still have the desire to have more kids and that is just not my reality right now and I’m not sure if it ever will be my reality. I’m unbelievably thankful for the children the Lord has provided for us, but there’s still the hope for more that just isn’t fulfilled yet and that makes me sad.
There are SO many women around me who are struggling with infertility or who have experienced the pain of a miscarriage. Mother’s Day is sad for them and it makes me sad for them too. It’s not a pity for them, just a sadness knowing that either they so desperately want to be a mom and can’t be or they thought that through this holiday there would be another child-either pregnant, having the child already or bringing one home through adoption. Those women will be sad on Sunday.
For others, there is an estranged relationship with their mom. Mother’s Day is a day that brings sadness because the relationship they want just is never going to be a reality. Maybe the day brings up bitterness and anger instead of joy and celebration.
I say all this to say, this Mother’s Day as you celebrate the mother’s in life or are celebrated yourself, be aware that for some people Mother’s Day is a sad day. For me, it’s a mixture of emotions and for many others it probably is too. My advice would be to know there are women around you in each of these categories and that are sad-look for opportunities to love on those women around you who may be sad on Mother’s Day.
Mother’s Day is a wonderful holiday and for sure needs to be celebrated. Let’s face it being a mom is hard work. Just this past week Heath was out of town so I was solo parenting. Let me just pause there and give a huge shout out to single moms, moms whose husbands are in the military and any other situation where you find yourself solo mom-ing it. You're a rock star. Anyway Heath was out of town and one night I put my kids to bed at 6:25 because I just couldn’t do it for one more second. So yeah, it’s hard work. It’s also one of the greatest joys of my life. I love these kids so so so much. I want to be celebrated as a mom!
At the same time Mother’s Day is really sad for me and I know it's sad for others.
When I was 15 my mom passed away from a battle with cancer. Words cannot express how badly I wish she were here to celebrate, to be celebrated by her grandkids. I was just thinking the other day how much she would love them! So even though I will be celebrating this weekend, there will also be a bit of sadness that comes along with it.
I have a few friends who have lost their moms this past year and I have been thinking all week how hard it is going to be for them. This Mother’s Day will be sad for them.
Another way it’s sad is that even though I’m already a mother I still have the desire to have more kids and that is just not my reality right now and I’m not sure if it ever will be my reality. I’m unbelievably thankful for the children the Lord has provided for us, but there’s still the hope for more that just isn’t fulfilled yet and that makes me sad.
There are SO many women around me who are struggling with infertility or who have experienced the pain of a miscarriage. Mother’s Day is sad for them and it makes me sad for them too. It’s not a pity for them, just a sadness knowing that either they so desperately want to be a mom and can’t be or they thought that through this holiday there would be another child-either pregnant, having the child already or bringing one home through adoption. Those women will be sad on Sunday.
For others, there is an estranged relationship with their mom. Mother’s Day is a day that brings sadness because the relationship they want just is never going to be a reality. Maybe the day brings up bitterness and anger instead of joy and celebration.
I say all this to say, this Mother’s Day as you celebrate the mother’s in life or are celebrated yourself, be aware that for some people Mother’s Day is a sad day. For me, it’s a mixture of emotions and for many others it probably is too. My advice would be to know there are women around you in each of these categories and that are sad-look for opportunities to love on those women around you who may be sad on Mother’s Day.
Saturday, April 14, 2018
Adoption Round 3
It has been a L-O-N-G time since I have posted on here. Some of it is because I have a 5 and 4 year old and life is busy. Most of it is because I just haven't known what to say.
I realized a few months ago that a lot of people don't even know we are in the process of adopting again. I realize I have only made one post about it so let me get everyone on the same page. When Kaleigh was 18 months old we decided to start the adoption process again. We quickly got chosen for twin boys however on the day they were born their mom changed her mind and we were heartbroken. We continued again in the adoption process and waited and waited and waited some more. In November of 2016 God gave us the gift of fostering to adopt through a set of crazy (totally from God) circumstances. There is a blog post about it if you want to read that story here
http://heathandmaryleslie.blogspot.com/2016/12/when-god-writes-your-story.html. Because of that, our newborn adoption got put on hold. In May of 2017 we officially adopted Brayden. In August of 2017 we decided to change adoption agencies and go back to working with Christian Adoption Consultants (who we used when we adopted Kaleigh). And that brings us to today.
This third adoption has been a lot different for us. For one, we have 2 kids that keep us busy so we are not dwelling on adoption 100% of the time-it's more like 95%. But seriously, when we didn't have any kids and never knew if we would have any kids, that is pretty much the only thing I thought about. Now, my mind is more divided because I'm focusing on raising tiny humans. Another way that it's different is that we went through the failed adoption with the twins so the fear of that is always lingering close to the surface. With our first, and even in some ways our second (until the moment we weren't), we were blissfully naive as to the deep deep hurt and pain and grief of a failed adoption. Now we know. And now we are terrified of it happening again.
In domestic adoption you do what's called "presenting" which means the adoption agency shows your profile book (think a Shutterfly book telling about your whole life in 20 pages) to an expectant mother and then you get a yes or no. If it's a yes that's called matched and you wait until baby is born and then that's called placement. Adoption is a whole new world if you didn't know and it has a whole new language that you have to learn!
During this third adoption we have had our book presented 18 times and we have gotten 18 no's. That's not a typo...18 times. You probably have no words, neither do I.
Okay maybe I have a few. It has been super hard. SUPER HARD. A lot of my friends often ask me how I am doing and after this last time, my response was "I'm over it." I'm not bitter and I'm not mad, I'm just over it. I was talking to a friend last night who just adopted and we were talking about the cost of adoption. And I'm not just talking financially-which is unbelievable in and of itself. But I was talking with her more about the cost on your emotions and on your marriage (don't worry Heath and I are fine) and on your family and on your mind and on your thought life and.....you get the point. The cost is much much more than a financial cost. And don't hear me say it's not worth it, it is, but it comes at a steep cost. So I'm over it. Now that doesn't mean we aren't going to pursue adoption anymore, I'm just over it-does that make sense? Probably not.
One thing recently that I have been wrestling with is this: is God saying no? Is he saying that's it for you. You have 2 beautiful, wonderful, amazing children and that's all I want for you. Or is He just saying wait? I don't know the answer to that.
So what's that mean for now. It means we will keep having our profile book presented, keep "putting our yes" on the table and wait and see what the Lord does. We have decided that in August (after a year) if we still have not been matched, we will reevaluate and see if we want to continue on or not.
In all of this, I know God is with us. I know He is for us and has good, good plans for us. I know He is sovereign and faithful to us. I know He can see way more than I can see. I know He knows what is the very best for me, Heath, our kids and every child that is born. I know all of these things. However, I feel like I'm living the verse "I believe, but help my unbelief"(Mark 9:24). I believe those things are true but I often don't believe so I'm asking God to help me believe. And I know He can.
Things to be praying for us:
1. That we would believe God and His character.
2. That we would patiently wait and trust His timing in this.
3. That God would provide a baby for us.
I realized a few months ago that a lot of people don't even know we are in the process of adopting again. I realize I have only made one post about it so let me get everyone on the same page. When Kaleigh was 18 months old we decided to start the adoption process again. We quickly got chosen for twin boys however on the day they were born their mom changed her mind and we were heartbroken. We continued again in the adoption process and waited and waited and waited some more. In November of 2016 God gave us the gift of fostering to adopt through a set of crazy (totally from God) circumstances. There is a blog post about it if you want to read that story here
http://heathandmaryleslie.blogspot.com/2016/12/when-god-writes-your-story.html. Because of that, our newborn adoption got put on hold. In May of 2017 we officially adopted Brayden. In August of 2017 we decided to change adoption agencies and go back to working with Christian Adoption Consultants (who we used when we adopted Kaleigh). And that brings us to today.
This third adoption has been a lot different for us. For one, we have 2 kids that keep us busy so we are not dwelling on adoption 100% of the time-it's more like 95%. But seriously, when we didn't have any kids and never knew if we would have any kids, that is pretty much the only thing I thought about. Now, my mind is more divided because I'm focusing on raising tiny humans. Another way that it's different is that we went through the failed adoption with the twins so the fear of that is always lingering close to the surface. With our first, and even in some ways our second (until the moment we weren't), we were blissfully naive as to the deep deep hurt and pain and grief of a failed adoption. Now we know. And now we are terrified of it happening again.
In domestic adoption you do what's called "presenting" which means the adoption agency shows your profile book (think a Shutterfly book telling about your whole life in 20 pages) to an expectant mother and then you get a yes or no. If it's a yes that's called matched and you wait until baby is born and then that's called placement. Adoption is a whole new world if you didn't know and it has a whole new language that you have to learn!
During this third adoption we have had our book presented 18 times and we have gotten 18 no's. That's not a typo...18 times. You probably have no words, neither do I.
Okay maybe I have a few. It has been super hard. SUPER HARD. A lot of my friends often ask me how I am doing and after this last time, my response was "I'm over it." I'm not bitter and I'm not mad, I'm just over it. I was talking to a friend last night who just adopted and we were talking about the cost of adoption. And I'm not just talking financially-which is unbelievable in and of itself. But I was talking with her more about the cost on your emotions and on your marriage (don't worry Heath and I are fine) and on your family and on your mind and on your thought life and.....you get the point. The cost is much much more than a financial cost. And don't hear me say it's not worth it, it is, but it comes at a steep cost. So I'm over it. Now that doesn't mean we aren't going to pursue adoption anymore, I'm just over it-does that make sense? Probably not.
One thing recently that I have been wrestling with is this: is God saying no? Is he saying that's it for you. You have 2 beautiful, wonderful, amazing children and that's all I want for you. Or is He just saying wait? I don't know the answer to that.
So what's that mean for now. It means we will keep having our profile book presented, keep "putting our yes" on the table and wait and see what the Lord does. We have decided that in August (after a year) if we still have not been matched, we will reevaluate and see if we want to continue on or not.
In all of this, I know God is with us. I know He is for us and has good, good plans for us. I know He is sovereign and faithful to us. I know He can see way more than I can see. I know He knows what is the very best for me, Heath, our kids and every child that is born. I know all of these things. However, I feel like I'm living the verse "I believe, but help my unbelief"(Mark 9:24). I believe those things are true but I often don't believe so I'm asking God to help me believe. And I know He can.
Things to be praying for us:
1. That we would believe God and His character.
2. That we would patiently wait and trust His timing in this.
3. That God would provide a baby for us.
Monday, August 14, 2017
Racine Family Update!
As of May16th, 2017 we officially welcomed a new member of the Racine family! We made official what had been true in our hearts for a long time and adopted Brayden. He is such a joy to us and we are so thankful that God allowed us be his parents. He loves playing outside, loves to cuddle and is constantly telling us thank you for everything. Kaleigh and Brayden love each other so much! They hold hands all the time and love to give each other hugs. It is so obvious to us that this is what God has for us and that this is the beautiful journey He had for us all along.
One thing I told Heath as we said "yes" to fostering and adopting Brayden is that I still had a desire to have another baby in our home. We weren't sure what that would look like as far as timing with starting another adoption. To be honest, the thought of starting the adoption process again was exhausting. For the last 7 years we have either been trying to get pregnant, going through infertility or in the adoption process. 7 YEARS. That's a long time. And the adoption process is exhausting. It's mounds of paperwork, constantly wondering when you are going to get chosen (emotionally exhausting), tons of prayer and trying to trust God with the process (notice I said trying, I'm not very good at the whole trusting God part!) and so many other things that I can't even begin to explain. It's totally worth it, but it is HARD.
As we have talked about it more and prayed and prayed and prayed some more, we feel like now is the time to start the process again. So, as of today all of our applications and profile books have been mailed off and we will become active again.
One big change is that we have changed agencies. We were working with an agency here in Indiana for nearly two years. During those two years we had a lot of issues with the agency and as much as we tried to resolve the issues it just became clear that we should no longer work with them. So now we are back with Christian Adoption Consultants (we used them when we adopted Kaleigh). It was definitely a step of faith for us to make that decision as it is more expensive and there will be travel involved as most of the adoptions they facilitate don't happen in Indiana, but as we spent months praying about it we have had so much peace to take this step.
So what that looks like practically is we have several agencies that now have our profile book. When they have a birth mom, they will contact us and we will choose whether or not to have our profile book (think Shutterfly photo book describing our family) shown to that birth mom. Then the ball is in the birth mom's court. So here's a few things you can pray for:
1. Our hearts will trust God with what He has for us and that we will be patient as we wait on Him.
2. For the opportunity to have our profile book shown to birth moms.
3. That a birth mom will choose us to be the parents of her precious child.
It's crazy to think we are starting this process AGAIN, but we feel so confident this is what the Lord has for us. Kaleigh wants a girl and Brayden wants a boy so they have been praying for two babies (the noise you just heard was Heath passing out from the mere thought of that!). The kids are excited and have been telling everyone we are adopting a baby. We are excited to see what the Lord is going to do and how He is going to grow our family! It's just another step on this beautiful journey!
One thing I told Heath as we said "yes" to fostering and adopting Brayden is that I still had a desire to have another baby in our home. We weren't sure what that would look like as far as timing with starting another adoption. To be honest, the thought of starting the adoption process again was exhausting. For the last 7 years we have either been trying to get pregnant, going through infertility or in the adoption process. 7 YEARS. That's a long time. And the adoption process is exhausting. It's mounds of paperwork, constantly wondering when you are going to get chosen (emotionally exhausting), tons of prayer and trying to trust God with the process (notice I said trying, I'm not very good at the whole trusting God part!) and so many other things that I can't even begin to explain. It's totally worth it, but it is HARD.
As we have talked about it more and prayed and prayed and prayed some more, we feel like now is the time to start the process again. So, as of today all of our applications and profile books have been mailed off and we will become active again.
One big change is that we have changed agencies. We were working with an agency here in Indiana for nearly two years. During those two years we had a lot of issues with the agency and as much as we tried to resolve the issues it just became clear that we should no longer work with them. So now we are back with Christian Adoption Consultants (we used them when we adopted Kaleigh). It was definitely a step of faith for us to make that decision as it is more expensive and there will be travel involved as most of the adoptions they facilitate don't happen in Indiana, but as we spent months praying about it we have had so much peace to take this step.
So what that looks like practically is we have several agencies that now have our profile book. When they have a birth mom, they will contact us and we will choose whether or not to have our profile book (think Shutterfly photo book describing our family) shown to that birth mom. Then the ball is in the birth mom's court. So here's a few things you can pray for:
1. Our hearts will trust God with what He has for us and that we will be patient as we wait on Him.
2. For the opportunity to have our profile book shown to birth moms.
3. That a birth mom will choose us to be the parents of her precious child.
It's crazy to think we are starting this process AGAIN, but we feel so confident this is what the Lord has for us. Kaleigh wants a girl and Brayden wants a boy so they have been praying for two babies (the noise you just heard was Heath passing out from the mere thought of that!). The kids are excited and have been telling everyone we are adopting a baby. We are excited to see what the Lord is going to do and how He is going to grow our family! It's just another step on this beautiful journey!
Monday, December 5, 2016
When God Writes Your Story
I want you to know that I what I am about to share is without a doubt God writing our story.
As you know, we have been in the domestic adoption process for almost 2 years. To be honest it has been unbelievably discouraging. First we experienced the failed adoption of the twins which was more devastating to us than I could ever put into words. Then we have just been waiting, and waiting and waiting some more.
About this time last year, some of our dear friends began being foster parents. The first placement they had was with two young girls. Days after they returned them to their mom, they got a placement of a little boy. To see them walk through this process of being foster parents was encouraging in that they were stepping into a lot of unknowns and just telling God yes. It challenged us in our own lives to see them give up daily comfort and ease to care for these children that showed up to them with so little and to love them even when it was hard.We have always talked about foster care. In fact, as we have talked about whether or not we want to have a third, we have talked about going through foster care. But to talk to about it and to see if lived out are two different things.
Almost as soon as our friends got their second placement of the little boy, they were told he was adoptable. Through various circumstances, they were not going to be able to adopt him and asked us if we would consider pursuing adopting him. On a practical level that looked like going to foster parent training, filling out tons more paperwork, getting another home study done and tons of other little things. We prayed a lot and talked to several people to get their opinion on what we should do.
To a lot of people it seems like a no brainer. He's a 2 year old little boy who needed a home and we are wanting to adopt. But to me, it wasn't a no brainer. I had my heart set on a baby. It felt like I was totally shifting gears. I knew there were going to be different challenges then if we got a newborn (which has it's own challenges). At the end of the day, I kept coming back to James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." The reality is, you can live that verse out in a thousand different ways. But for us, in this situation, we knew that it meant saying yes to this sweet boy.
So at the beginning of November, once all of our paperwork and home study were done, we welcomed this little boy into our home. We will begin the adoption process as soon as we have permission to do that (we have to have court approval to start and we will find out at the end of January when we will be allowed to start the process). To be honest, after what happened with the twins I feel super hesitant to let my heart "go there," but just like we did with the twins, we will trust God and pray this little boy will officially be our son soon.
He has adjusted well and we are all learning how to operate as a family of 4. He is a sweet blessing to us from the Lord and we are so thankful to Him. There are so many details that I don't have time to share that leave no room to doubt that this was God working this out on our behalf. It was God writing the story of our family and we are forever grateful.
*At this time, we will not be sharing his name or picture. Thanks for understanding!
As you know, we have been in the domestic adoption process for almost 2 years. To be honest it has been unbelievably discouraging. First we experienced the failed adoption of the twins which was more devastating to us than I could ever put into words. Then we have just been waiting, and waiting and waiting some more.
About this time last year, some of our dear friends began being foster parents. The first placement they had was with two young girls. Days after they returned them to their mom, they got a placement of a little boy. To see them walk through this process of being foster parents was encouraging in that they were stepping into a lot of unknowns and just telling God yes. It challenged us in our own lives to see them give up daily comfort and ease to care for these children that showed up to them with so little and to love them even when it was hard.We have always talked about foster care. In fact, as we have talked about whether or not we want to have a third, we have talked about going through foster care. But to talk to about it and to see if lived out are two different things.
Almost as soon as our friends got their second placement of the little boy, they were told he was adoptable. Through various circumstances, they were not going to be able to adopt him and asked us if we would consider pursuing adopting him. On a practical level that looked like going to foster parent training, filling out tons more paperwork, getting another home study done and tons of other little things. We prayed a lot and talked to several people to get their opinion on what we should do.
To a lot of people it seems like a no brainer. He's a 2 year old little boy who needed a home and we are wanting to adopt. But to me, it wasn't a no brainer. I had my heart set on a baby. It felt like I was totally shifting gears. I knew there were going to be different challenges then if we got a newborn (which has it's own challenges). At the end of the day, I kept coming back to James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." The reality is, you can live that verse out in a thousand different ways. But for us, in this situation, we knew that it meant saying yes to this sweet boy.
So at the beginning of November, once all of our paperwork and home study were done, we welcomed this little boy into our home. We will begin the adoption process as soon as we have permission to do that (we have to have court approval to start and we will find out at the end of January when we will be allowed to start the process). To be honest, after what happened with the twins I feel super hesitant to let my heart "go there," but just like we did with the twins, we will trust God and pray this little boy will officially be our son soon.
He has adjusted well and we are all learning how to operate as a family of 4. He is a sweet blessing to us from the Lord and we are so thankful to Him. There are so many details that I don't have time to share that leave no room to doubt that this was God working this out on our behalf. It was God writing the story of our family and we are forever grateful.
*At this time, we will not be sharing his name or picture. Thanks for understanding!
Friday, September 16, 2016
Just For Today
It's been a while since I updated. As usual, there is nothing much to update. We are still waiting to get matched with a birth mother. As usual, the waiting is hard. And as usual, the Lord is sustaining us.
This summer I went to The Gospel Coalition Women's Conference. It was so so good. The talks I heard were challenging and helped grow my view of God. While I was there, I heard about a talk given entitled "Walking by Faith When Dreams are Delayed" by Betsy Childs Howard. When I heard the title, I knew I had to hear it. As soon as the talks were posted to the website, I listened to the talk. It was so so good! There were several things that stuck out to me, but I wanted to share one of them with you.
She talked about how God's mercy is new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). She talks about how God gives us the grace and mercy we need to face THAT DAY. She reminded us that we don't have to trust God with what's going to happen 5 years from now, we just have to be able to trust Him for the next 24 hours. She challenged us to ask ourselves "Can I live without _____________ for the next 24 hours?" If the answer is yes, then you can get through the long haul.
This was so so good for me because I get stuck in trying to play out my life and try to figure out what my life is going to look like and it can bring me anxiety. I often feel stuck in this adoption and feel like it is never going to end, so if I can just trust God with today then I don't feel as stuck. I just have to be able to get through today and trust what He has for me today. Most days, by His grace, I can do that. (notice I said most days!)
So this isn't much of an update, but just wanted to share something I felt like God has been working on my heart and how He's teaching me to trust Him.
This summer I went to The Gospel Coalition Women's Conference. It was so so good. The talks I heard were challenging and helped grow my view of God. While I was there, I heard about a talk given entitled "Walking by Faith When Dreams are Delayed" by Betsy Childs Howard. When I heard the title, I knew I had to hear it. As soon as the talks were posted to the website, I listened to the talk. It was so so good! There were several things that stuck out to me, but I wanted to share one of them with you.
She talked about how God's mercy is new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). She talks about how God gives us the grace and mercy we need to face THAT DAY. She reminded us that we don't have to trust God with what's going to happen 5 years from now, we just have to be able to trust Him for the next 24 hours. She challenged us to ask ourselves "Can I live without _____________ for the next 24 hours?" If the answer is yes, then you can get through the long haul.
This was so so good for me because I get stuck in trying to play out my life and try to figure out what my life is going to look like and it can bring me anxiety. I often feel stuck in this adoption and feel like it is never going to end, so if I can just trust God with today then I don't feel as stuck. I just have to be able to get through today and trust what He has for me today. Most days, by His grace, I can do that. (notice I said most days!)
So this isn't much of an update, but just wanted to share something I felt like God has been working on my heart and how He's teaching me to trust Him.
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
One Year and an Update
On May 14th it had been a year since we found out we were not going to be getting the boys. In God's goodness to us He gave us a vacation that very week. We didn't seek out that week to be gone, but that is when we were able to get the timeshare we were using, and for me, I see God's hand all over that. There has not been one day in the last year that I have not thought about those boys. I wonder how they are doing, I track in my head what they are probably doing developmentally, I wonder how their mom is, I wonder what happened to change her mind, I just think about them a lot. I am thankful that instead of being here reliving that day in my mind detail by detail, we were at the beach as a family with our sweet friends.
Another aspect that has been hard is that we didn't think we would be a year out from that and still not have a baby. It has been hard for us to understand what God is doing. I look at Kaleigh's beautiful face everyday and am reminded that He has a great plan for us, because I absolutely cannot imagine not being her mom. And I know one day I will look into the face of another beautiful child and think the same thing, but the waiting is just hard.
One update that we do have is that we have begun to work with another adoption agency. The agency we are currently working with doesn't really love their families working with other agencies. However, since we haven't had much movement with them and the only real feedback they ever give us is "everyone loves your book," we asked their permission to work with another agency and they said yes (much to our surprise!).
In January I began thinking about asking our agency to work with more agencies and therefore began looking into agencies. The problem I ran into is that most agencies were way outside our budget. I remembered though that my friend (and our adoption consultant when we adopted Kaleigh) opened an agency a couple hours from where we live. I looked into it and asked her if they were accepting applications and got the go ahead to apply. Once we got permission from the agency we have been working with we went ahead and turned our paper work in and got accepted.
We don't know what God will do with this, but we are happy to feel like we were at least able to make a step forward in this process. So now we will be working with both agencies. We are praying God will provide a baby for us soon. Thanks for walking alongside us in this process!
Friday, May 6, 2016
Being A Mom
To be a mom is one of the greatest blessings of my life. There was a time in my life when I wondered if God would ever fulfill the deep desire I had to be a mom. Then He gave us Kaleigh. There will never be enough words to describe how thankful I am that God chose me to be her mom. I tell her all the time that she is a blessing and a joy to me-those words don't even begin to describe all she is to me.
Kaleigh is such a sweet, sweet girl. She is constantly "mothering" her babies. She bounces them to get them to stop "crying." She feeds them food and changes their diapers. She is going to be such a great big sister. She is also really funny. You never know what is going to come out of her mouth. The other day she told me when she grows up she wants to "play with her friends and have someone drive her around!" She loves to read. Lately she is really into "Fancy Nancy" and "Pinkalicious."Her favorite outdoor activity is swinging. I'm pretty sure she'd swing for hours if we let her.
One thing most people don't know about Kaleigh is that she talks ALL THE TIME. When she is in public or in a big group of people she hardly ever talks, but if we are with only a few people or people she is comfortable with, she doesn't stop talking. In the last couple of weeks I have been in a smaller setting with some people I usually only see in bigger groups and they have all said something to the effect of "I have never heard her talk so much." It always takes me by surprise when people say that because I hear her talk so much.
I am so so grateful to be her mom. Our days are not without struggle, but I would not trade them for anything. This morning as I was praying for her, I was overwhelmed with gratitude for her.
Of course, none of this would be possible without the love and sacrifice of another woman. The love and respect I have for Kaleigh's birth mom is something else that words could never describe. She carried this sweet girl in her womb for 9 months, gave birth to her and then entrusted her to us. She gave us an unbelievable gift. I remember leaving the hospital with her and having no idea what to say to her. How do you thank someone for giving you one of the greatest gifts of your life? The magnitude of her decision is not lost on me.
I am forever grateful that because of her, my desire to become a mom was fulfilled. It is one of the greatest privileges of my life.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Adoption is Hard
There are all kinds of hashtags out there about adoption. #adoptionrocks #adoptionislove #lovebuildsafamily. And of course all of those things are true, but you don't ever see anyone #adoptionishard, but it's the truth. Let me say from the beginning that adoption is absolutely worth it and I am so thankful for it, but it's just hard. I hope this post doesn't come across as a "Debby Downer" post, but more here's what's going on in our lives and this is what is hard about adoption.
We never thought we would go through a failed adoption, but we did and it was and still is hard. We didn't think we would be a year and a half into this process and still not have a baby, but here we are and it's hard. We didn't think about all the questions we would have to fight through-what's wrong with us? Why doesn't God want us to grow our family? What is He trying to teach us in this? Are we just not "getting it?" What are we suppose to be "getting?" Are we with the right agency? What are we suppose to be doing? All these questions are hard. (For the record I know that most of these questions are lies and I shouldn't "go there" but hey this is just real life)
Adoption is so hard because you have this unbelievable desire to have a child and yet you have no idea when God is going to fulfill your desire. Every day I think "is this going to be the day we get the call?" And I proceed to spend my day wondering if my phone is going to ring. One thing I have started doing is putting it on Do Not Disturb during Kaleigh's nap time so I have a break each day from being obsessed with my phone.
Adoption is also hard because you're constantly living in a limbo-do we plan that vacation,what if we have a newborn? Do I commit to (fill in the blank), what if we have a newborn? Do we start that big project we need to do, what if we get a baby in the middle of this and can't finish? It's constant limbo when it come to decision making. There are so many ups and downs and so many things playing out in your mind all the time.
So here's the thing, adoption is hard. But it also rocks, it is love and love does build a family. I know God is going to play this out in an unbelievable way in our lives. I just don't want to act like it's all butterflies and rainbows. There is just a hard reality to adoption. We are unbelievably thankful for how God grew our family through adoption and are excited to see Him do it again. Please be praying for us as we wait on God's timing.
We never thought we would go through a failed adoption, but we did and it was and still is hard. We didn't think we would be a year and a half into this process and still not have a baby, but here we are and it's hard. We didn't think about all the questions we would have to fight through-what's wrong with us? Why doesn't God want us to grow our family? What is He trying to teach us in this? Are we just not "getting it?" What are we suppose to be "getting?" Are we with the right agency? What are we suppose to be doing? All these questions are hard. (For the record I know that most of these questions are lies and I shouldn't "go there" but hey this is just real life)
Adoption is so hard because you have this unbelievable desire to have a child and yet you have no idea when God is going to fulfill your desire. Every day I think "is this going to be the day we get the call?" And I proceed to spend my day wondering if my phone is going to ring. One thing I have started doing is putting it on Do Not Disturb during Kaleigh's nap time so I have a break each day from being obsessed with my phone.
Adoption is also hard because you're constantly living in a limbo-do we plan that vacation,what if we have a newborn? Do I commit to (fill in the blank), what if we have a newborn? Do we start that big project we need to do, what if we get a baby in the middle of this and can't finish? It's constant limbo when it come to decision making. There are so many ups and downs and so many things playing out in your mind all the time.
So here's the thing, adoption is hard. But it also rocks, it is love and love does build a family. I know God is going to play this out in an unbelievable way in our lives. I just don't want to act like it's all butterflies and rainbows. There is just a hard reality to adoption. We are unbelievably thankful for how God grew our family through adoption and are excited to see Him do it again. Please be praying for us as we wait on God's timing.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Update
As always, I remember that I haven't posted for a while when I start to get a lot of questions about what is going on with our adoption. I so appreciate people asking what is going on. Sadly, the answer is...nothing. Nothing is going on with the adoption. We are still waiting. We talked to our agency a few weeks ago and they said "everyone loves your book."
It has still been a struggle to wait on His timing and to be surrendered to His will. One song that I heard has really ministered to my heart. It's called "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns and here are the lyrics.
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go
I love how it talks about how there is freedom in surrender. I am a control freak and this is just something I simply cannot control. There is so much freedom when I surrender to what God is doing and what He wants for our family. The song says lay it down and let it go. I continually have to do that.
I also love the chorus and how it talks to how I am not alone, my world is falling into place and He is on the throne. God is not unaware of my circumstances and He is on the throne. I can run to Him and find rest in Him.
The next verse really hit home with me too. If my eyes are on the cross, I will know He loves me and always will. When I let my heart stray away from the gospel and what God has already accomplished for me on the cross then I start to question God and His character. But when my heart is set on the gospel and I remember that God has already met my greatest need (my salvation from my sin) then I am able to take my eyes off my circumstances and look to Him and believe the truth about Him.
I feel like I could write something about every line of this song, but one last thing that I will write about is how not one tear is wasted and that He is making beauty from ashes. This second adoption has felt like a lot of ashes, but He will make it beautiful and there is great hope in that. My life is in His hands and I find great comfort in that.
One other thing that has this whole waiting process bearable for us is our sweet Kaleigh (by the way, am I the only one that can't believe that sweet thing is 3? what in the world?) There are a couple of things about her that have helped. One, is that we remember the process with her. It was so hard to wait but oh my goodness it was so worth the wait. When we think about her and how the process with her was so hard, yet we are unbelievably thankful that the Lord saw fit for her to be our daughter and absolutely cannot imagine life without her. Two, she is so sweet and absolutely hilarious. She says the funniest things and loves giving hugs and kisses. She is such a joy and such a blessing to us. We thank God for her everyday and are so thankful for her birth mom.
So, no real update, but as always God is working in our hearts and teaching us much about Himself.
It has still been a struggle to wait on His timing and to be surrendered to His will. One song that I heard has really ministered to my heart. It's called "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns and here are the lyrics.
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go
I love how it talks about how there is freedom in surrender. I am a control freak and this is just something I simply cannot control. There is so much freedom when I surrender to what God is doing and what He wants for our family. The song says lay it down and let it go. I continually have to do that.
I also love the chorus and how it talks to how I am not alone, my world is falling into place and He is on the throne. God is not unaware of my circumstances and He is on the throne. I can run to Him and find rest in Him.
The next verse really hit home with me too. If my eyes are on the cross, I will know He loves me and always will. When I let my heart stray away from the gospel and what God has already accomplished for me on the cross then I start to question God and His character. But when my heart is set on the gospel and I remember that God has already met my greatest need (my salvation from my sin) then I am able to take my eyes off my circumstances and look to Him and believe the truth about Him.
I feel like I could write something about every line of this song, but one last thing that I will write about is how not one tear is wasted and that He is making beauty from ashes. This second adoption has felt like a lot of ashes, but He will make it beautiful and there is great hope in that. My life is in His hands and I find great comfort in that.
One other thing that has this whole waiting process bearable for us is our sweet Kaleigh (by the way, am I the only one that can't believe that sweet thing is 3? what in the world?) There are a couple of things about her that have helped. One, is that we remember the process with her. It was so hard to wait but oh my goodness it was so worth the wait. When we think about her and how the process with her was so hard, yet we are unbelievably thankful that the Lord saw fit for her to be our daughter and absolutely cannot imagine life without her. Two, she is so sweet and absolutely hilarious. She says the funniest things and loves giving hugs and kisses. She is such a joy and such a blessing to us. We thank God for her everyday and are so thankful for her birth mom.
So, no real update, but as always God is working in our hearts and teaching us much about Himself.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Waiting is No Fun
Wow it's been a long time since I have updated this blog! Whoops!
The last time I wrote, I wrote about the waves of grief. Let me tell you, they still keep coming. We are still incredibly sad about the boys, I am pretty sure there will always be a part of our hearts that is sad over that. I still wonder how they are doing and if they are safe and if the birth mom has the support she needs, if she feels loved. I will probably always wonder those things. For the most part the waves haven't been huge and haven't really knocked me over, but the waves still come and there are varying levels of grief that still come with that whole situation, but in some ways my grief has shifted.
What I mean by that is that I have become more and more sad that we have empty arms. We desire a baby so much and it is just sad to not have that desire fulfilled. Kaleigh has been saying a lot more about it too. She asked me if I could grow a baby in my belly for us and when she could be a big sister and telling us that she wants a baby. It is so sweet and so heartbreaking all at the same time. It has given us lots of opportunity to talk to her about adoption and the love her birth mom has for her and how we are waiting on God to give us another baby. It has caused us to pray more with her for a baby for us, which causes me to be more prayerful about it during the day. Waiting is just no fun.
There was also another element that came into our waiting. About 2 months ago we got information that we were in the top 3 for a birth mom. A few weeks later we were told that we were in her top 2 and she asked us and the other family to answer several questions for her. If you remember with Kaleigh we were in the top 2 seven different times and each time we were told no. So this wasn't our first rodeo. We knew the possibility of us getting chosen was just as good as it was for us to not get chosen. Still, it is obviously hard to not get your hopes up in that situation.
A few weeks into this whole "top 3, top 2" scenario Heath and I were talking and he said "no matter what happens I am resolving to worship and praise God." I think for both us we just needed to decide in our hearts that we would trust God with what He wanted for us. Well, last week we got the call that the birth mom chose the other family. It was a sad phone call to get. Sweet Kaleigh didn't know what to do with me crying so she said "blow your nose momma, you'll feel better." (Love her!) It is just so disappointing to not get chosen. And it feels like this waiting will never end. But the truth is, one day this waiting will be over and we will have a baby and we will look back and see God's plan in all of it-just like we see it in Kaleigh's life.
One thing God has been showing me is that I trust Him, but am not surrendered to how He is going to play it all out. I trust that God is going to give us a baby and that we will see His perfection and goodness to us in all of this. The problem comes in when I try to hold onto how I think He should play it out. When it doesn't play out like I think it should then I start to question Him and ask Him if He knows what He is doing. I'm not surrendered to how He wants to play this out in my life. So when He revealed that, I surrendered. "God not only do I trust You, but I surrender to how you want to do it." And it's a daily surrender for me. Every day, multiple times I day I have to tell Him I trust Him and I am surrendered to how He wants to do this.
Waiting is no fun, but there is lots to learn in the waiting and we see Him teaching us and showing us more of who He is. Pray for us that we will continue to trust Him and be surrendered to Him and His plan for this. We can't wait to see how He plays this out!
The last time I wrote, I wrote about the waves of grief. Let me tell you, they still keep coming. We are still incredibly sad about the boys, I am pretty sure there will always be a part of our hearts that is sad over that. I still wonder how they are doing and if they are safe and if the birth mom has the support she needs, if she feels loved. I will probably always wonder those things. For the most part the waves haven't been huge and haven't really knocked me over, but the waves still come and there are varying levels of grief that still come with that whole situation, but in some ways my grief has shifted.
What I mean by that is that I have become more and more sad that we have empty arms. We desire a baby so much and it is just sad to not have that desire fulfilled. Kaleigh has been saying a lot more about it too. She asked me if I could grow a baby in my belly for us and when she could be a big sister and telling us that she wants a baby. It is so sweet and so heartbreaking all at the same time. It has given us lots of opportunity to talk to her about adoption and the love her birth mom has for her and how we are waiting on God to give us another baby. It has caused us to pray more with her for a baby for us, which causes me to be more prayerful about it during the day. Waiting is just no fun.
There was also another element that came into our waiting. About 2 months ago we got information that we were in the top 3 for a birth mom. A few weeks later we were told that we were in her top 2 and she asked us and the other family to answer several questions for her. If you remember with Kaleigh we were in the top 2 seven different times and each time we were told no. So this wasn't our first rodeo. We knew the possibility of us getting chosen was just as good as it was for us to not get chosen. Still, it is obviously hard to not get your hopes up in that situation.
A few weeks into this whole "top 3, top 2" scenario Heath and I were talking and he said "no matter what happens I am resolving to worship and praise God." I think for both us we just needed to decide in our hearts that we would trust God with what He wanted for us. Well, last week we got the call that the birth mom chose the other family. It was a sad phone call to get. Sweet Kaleigh didn't know what to do with me crying so she said "blow your nose momma, you'll feel better." (Love her!) It is just so disappointing to not get chosen. And it feels like this waiting will never end. But the truth is, one day this waiting will be over and we will have a baby and we will look back and see God's plan in all of it-just like we see it in Kaleigh's life.
One thing God has been showing me is that I trust Him, but am not surrendered to how He is going to play it all out. I trust that God is going to give us a baby and that we will see His perfection and goodness to us in all of this. The problem comes in when I try to hold onto how I think He should play it out. When it doesn't play out like I think it should then I start to question Him and ask Him if He knows what He is doing. I'm not surrendered to how He wants to play this out in my life. So when He revealed that, I surrendered. "God not only do I trust You, but I surrender to how you want to do it." And it's a daily surrender for me. Every day, multiple times I day I have to tell Him I trust Him and I am surrendered to how He wants to do this.
Waiting is no fun, but there is lots to learn in the waiting and we see Him teaching us and showing us more of who He is. Pray for us that we will continue to trust Him and be surrendered to Him and His plan for this. We can't wait to see how He plays this out!
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Where We Are
It's been almost 3 months since the boys were born, since we found out we wouldn't be adopting them. There is not one day that goes by that I don't think about them and wonder how they are doing, how their mom is doing. There's not one day that my heart doesn't ache over the loss we experienced in this failed adoption.
The first 3 weeks or so after we found out we weren't getting them were awful-more so than words could ever describe. Then it got better. It's not that I wasn't sad anymore or that I didn't hurt any more, it just wasn't as intense. Then it hit me all over again. I was talking to a friend about it and she said it reminded her about a blog post she read about the waves of grief. I could instantly connect to what she was describing.
The first 3 weeks it felt like we were in a hurricane-wave after wave crashing down. Then when it got better- it felt like we were in calmer waters. There were small waves, daily waves, that hit but nothing that knocked you over. Then the big waves started again. You know how it is when you're in the ocean. You're standing there just enjoying the water when all of a sudden a wave comes that just knocks you down. Maybe there are several waves like that, maybe there is just one, but you just weren't expecting it so you didn't brace yourself and then down you go. That's how these last few weeks have felt. I knew I wasn't "over it" (and I don't know if I ever fully will be), but I just didn't expect the grief to come crashing down again. I'm glad my friend referenced the waves of grief blog she read because it is so helpful for me to put a name to what I'm feeling and realizing that I'm probably not done experiencing crashing waves so I won't be surprised when it happens again.
We are also learning a lot about ourselves and about what we believe about God. To be honest, it is a struggle to trust His character. When we were going through infertility I had a hard time reconciling what I knew to be true about God and what I felt. It feels like I am going through the same thing again. I know God is good, but it doesn't feel like He is good. I know He is faithful but it doesn't feel like He is faithful. I realized as I was having my quiet time the other day that I'm almost waiting for Him to give us a baby and then I will believe those things. I will hold that baby and think back and see that He was being good and faithful to us in this and I will believe. What I'm realizing is that I shouldn't and don't want to wait until He gives me what I want to believe those things. I need to believe those things today because they are true today. A baby won't change His character.
As far as the adoption, we called a few weeks ago and they told us our book is being looked at and there is nothing we should change. As summer comes to a close, we will probably update our book because Kaleigh looks older now (I'm sorry but when did my baby turn into a little girl!! She seems so big to me) and we will put our family vacations from this spring/summer in there. We are just waiting and trying to trust His timing.
Again I will say that Kaleigh has been such a huge huge blessing to us in all of this. We just love her so much and are so thankful for her. She is at a really fun age where she communicates with us and we can have actual conversations with her. She has healed so many of the hurt places not just with infertility but with this failed adoption as well. We are forever grateful for her.
The first 3 weeks or so after we found out we weren't getting them were awful-more so than words could ever describe. Then it got better. It's not that I wasn't sad anymore or that I didn't hurt any more, it just wasn't as intense. Then it hit me all over again. I was talking to a friend about it and she said it reminded her about a blog post she read about the waves of grief. I could instantly connect to what she was describing.
The first 3 weeks it felt like we were in a hurricane-wave after wave crashing down. Then when it got better- it felt like we were in calmer waters. There were small waves, daily waves, that hit but nothing that knocked you over. Then the big waves started again. You know how it is when you're in the ocean. You're standing there just enjoying the water when all of a sudden a wave comes that just knocks you down. Maybe there are several waves like that, maybe there is just one, but you just weren't expecting it so you didn't brace yourself and then down you go. That's how these last few weeks have felt. I knew I wasn't "over it" (and I don't know if I ever fully will be), but I just didn't expect the grief to come crashing down again. I'm glad my friend referenced the waves of grief blog she read because it is so helpful for me to put a name to what I'm feeling and realizing that I'm probably not done experiencing crashing waves so I won't be surprised when it happens again.
We are also learning a lot about ourselves and about what we believe about God. To be honest, it is a struggle to trust His character. When we were going through infertility I had a hard time reconciling what I knew to be true about God and what I felt. It feels like I am going through the same thing again. I know God is good, but it doesn't feel like He is good. I know He is faithful but it doesn't feel like He is faithful. I realized as I was having my quiet time the other day that I'm almost waiting for Him to give us a baby and then I will believe those things. I will hold that baby and think back and see that He was being good and faithful to us in this and I will believe. What I'm realizing is that I shouldn't and don't want to wait until He gives me what I want to believe those things. I need to believe those things today because they are true today. A baby won't change His character.
As far as the adoption, we called a few weeks ago and they told us our book is being looked at and there is nothing we should change. As summer comes to a close, we will probably update our book because Kaleigh looks older now (I'm sorry but when did my baby turn into a little girl!! She seems so big to me) and we will put our family vacations from this spring/summer in there. We are just waiting and trying to trust His timing.
Again I will say that Kaleigh has been such a huge huge blessing to us in all of this. We just love her so much and are so thankful for her. She is at a really fun age where she communicates with us and we can have actual conversations with her. She has healed so many of the hurt places not just with infertility but with this failed adoption as well. We are forever grateful for her.
Monday, June 1, 2015
So Thankful
One of our greatest blessings during this time of grief has been our sweet Kaleigh.
We are so thankful for her and the laughter she has brought to us the last few weeks. When I told my dad what was happening with the twins, one of the things he said was "think of all the times you got told no the first time and then you got Kaleigh." I knew exactly what he meant. We cannot imagine our lives without Kaleigh. We are so thankful we got told no the other times, because Kaleigh is perfect for our family. And we love her birth family more than we could ever say. We know one day we will look back on this and see how whatever baby God gives us will be the perfect baby for our family and we pray we have as great a relationship with the birth mother this time as we do with Kaleigh's.
Kaleigh has been saying lots of funny things lately. The laughter has helped heal our hearts and we are so thankful for her. Here are some funny things Kaleigh has been saying lately (and I know since I'm her mom I probably think they are funnier than they really are!):
-One day she fell hard and Heath ran over and picked her up and she was sobbing. All she would say is "my ponytail!!" She was so upset because she thought her ponytail got messed up!
-We were talking about her college fund and she said "I not going to college." I asked her why and she responded "I want to stay at home."
-Several months ago Heath told Kaleigh that coffee makes mommy happy. Now every time you ask her what makes mommy happy and every time we see Starbucks in Target (which I have never bought a drink from), she says "Coffee makes mommy happy."
-She had paci's in her crib at nap and night time so we decided to take them away. We told her she could go to Target and trade in her paci's for any toy she wanted. We talked it up for days and several times a day she told me she wanted a wallet. When we got to Target we went to the toy dept. and she picked up an Olaf and carried it around and then put it down and picked up a Care Bear. A few minutes later she said "I want to put this back and get a wallet." So she got a wallet-ridiculous.
There have been many more, but I realize only Heath, family and I will think these are funny! All of that to say, we are thankful for the beautiful gift that she is.
Kaleigh has been saying lots of funny things lately. The laughter has helped heal our hearts and we are so thankful for her. Here are some funny things Kaleigh has been saying lately (and I know since I'm her mom I probably think they are funnier than they really are!):
-One day she fell hard and Heath ran over and picked her up and she was sobbing. All she would say is "my ponytail!!" She was so upset because she thought her ponytail got messed up!
-We were talking about her college fund and she said "I not going to college." I asked her why and she responded "I want to stay at home."
-Several months ago Heath told Kaleigh that coffee makes mommy happy. Now every time you ask her what makes mommy happy and every time we see Starbucks in Target (which I have never bought a drink from), she says "Coffee makes mommy happy."
-She had paci's in her crib at nap and night time so we decided to take them away. We told her she could go to Target and trade in her paci's for any toy she wanted. We talked it up for days and several times a day she told me she wanted a wallet. When we got to Target we went to the toy dept. and she picked up an Olaf and carried it around and then put it down and picked up a Care Bear. A few minutes later she said "I want to put this back and get a wallet." So she got a wallet-ridiculous.
There have been many more, but I realize only Heath, family and I will think these are funny! All of that to say, we are thankful for the beautiful gift that she is.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
How We Are
I want to start this post the same way I ended the last one-God is sustaining us by His grace. He is working in our hearts and He is healing them. We are grieving and grieving takes time. So we will go through the grieving process (however long that takes) and we will trust Him with our grief and trust Him to continue to heal our hearts.
This year I have been praying Psalm 105:4 into my life. It says "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually." I originally started praying that for several reasons 1) I often look to my own strength to get me through the day and I wanted to be reminded that I need the Lord's strength 2) I usually do my Bible time in the morning and by the end of the day I can't remember what I read so I wanted to be reminded to always be seeking Him all through my day 3) I was struggling in some parenting things with Kaleigh and I didn't want to parent in my own strength, but in His. God had other plans for how He was going to use this verse in my life. It has been so good for me to remind myself of this verse as we have traveled this road of grief. I need Him in a way I haven't felt in a long time. I need Him to be my strength because I just can't do it. I need Him to continually remind me of who He is and what the truth of His word says, because there are many times I question.
When we first found out and for several days after I just could not stop crying. It was interesting though because at my very heart of hearts I knew God was being good and faithful to us in this. I didn't understand what He was doing (still don't and maybe never will) but I was trusting Him. That night when Heath and I were talking I said (through tears) "I am so so sad, but I trust God." He said, "me too." I am so thankful that through this, we have been given the grace to trust God.
My goal for the first week was if everyone in our house was still alive and had been fed three meals then it was a victory. I couldn't talk about it. I cried at every text message, every voice mail, every Facebook comment or message-every single one. Every morning when we get Kaleigh up we sing her a song that says "Good morning God, this is Your day. I am your child. Show me Your way." On Friday morning I went to get her and said "Good morning God" and immediately lost it. I was trying to get her dressed and couldn't even see because of the tears. Heath was downstairs so I called up for his help because I just couldn't do it. There were lots of neighbors that we aren't connected with on Facebook and I cried every time I had to tell one of them. I say all that to say that there is just an unimaginable sadness. And it isn't just sadness for ourselves, it is also a sadness for the boys. We don't know for sure what kind of lifestyle they will have, but from what we do know, they will probably grow up in poverty and without stability and it just makes us sad for them. I am not saying that their mom will not be a good mom to them, I think she will be, I am just saying that we are sad that they will have to struggle through life. (I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound like we are condemning her for her choice to keep them)
About mid week last week I hit the angry stage. I just don't understand why. Why did we even get chosen if she was just going to change her mind? Why is is better for them to grow up in poverty than with us? Why did we have to go through infertility and now this, when it's so easy for others to have children? The list of why questions goes on and on. At the end of the day I just have to be okay with not knowing the answers to those questions. My prayer is "God, I don't understand, but help me trust you."
One thing we realized through this is that Heath and I grieve very differently. I go into survival mode-just trying to make it to the next day. He goes into work mode-just stay busy. He kept asking me about landscaping and I was thinking "I don't care, I just want to survive." We are learning to communicate and let each other know what our needs are during this time of grieving.
For now, we are just taking it day by day. Most days are better than they were last week, but most days still contain tears. We are continuing to just walk with God and asking Him to help us believe Him. We are slowly expanding back out to our social circle.
We are so thankful to all of you who have prayed for us, sent us messages, brought us food, brought me sweet tea and are grieving with us. We are thankful to be surrounded with such an unbelievable community of family and friends. We haven't responded to most messages, but please know we have read them and are thankful for your encouraging words. Please continue to pray for us as we continue through this process of grieving. Pray that we will continually "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually." I said this in a Facebook post but want to say it again: We don't know what the Lord is up to in this, but we know He is in it, and in that we take great hope. Thank you for walking this journey with us.
This year I have been praying Psalm 105:4 into my life. It says "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually." I originally started praying that for several reasons 1) I often look to my own strength to get me through the day and I wanted to be reminded that I need the Lord's strength 2) I usually do my Bible time in the morning and by the end of the day I can't remember what I read so I wanted to be reminded to always be seeking Him all through my day 3) I was struggling in some parenting things with Kaleigh and I didn't want to parent in my own strength, but in His. God had other plans for how He was going to use this verse in my life. It has been so good for me to remind myself of this verse as we have traveled this road of grief. I need Him in a way I haven't felt in a long time. I need Him to be my strength because I just can't do it. I need Him to continually remind me of who He is and what the truth of His word says, because there are many times I question.
When we first found out and for several days after I just could not stop crying. It was interesting though because at my very heart of hearts I knew God was being good and faithful to us in this. I didn't understand what He was doing (still don't and maybe never will) but I was trusting Him. That night when Heath and I were talking I said (through tears) "I am so so sad, but I trust God." He said, "me too." I am so thankful that through this, we have been given the grace to trust God.
My goal for the first week was if everyone in our house was still alive and had been fed three meals then it was a victory. I couldn't talk about it. I cried at every text message, every voice mail, every Facebook comment or message-every single one. Every morning when we get Kaleigh up we sing her a song that says "Good morning God, this is Your day. I am your child. Show me Your way." On Friday morning I went to get her and said "Good morning God" and immediately lost it. I was trying to get her dressed and couldn't even see because of the tears. Heath was downstairs so I called up for his help because I just couldn't do it. There were lots of neighbors that we aren't connected with on Facebook and I cried every time I had to tell one of them. I say all that to say that there is just an unimaginable sadness. And it isn't just sadness for ourselves, it is also a sadness for the boys. We don't know for sure what kind of lifestyle they will have, but from what we do know, they will probably grow up in poverty and without stability and it just makes us sad for them. I am not saying that their mom will not be a good mom to them, I think she will be, I am just saying that we are sad that they will have to struggle through life. (I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound like we are condemning her for her choice to keep them)
About mid week last week I hit the angry stage. I just don't understand why. Why did we even get chosen if she was just going to change her mind? Why is is better for them to grow up in poverty than with us? Why did we have to go through infertility and now this, when it's so easy for others to have children? The list of why questions goes on and on. At the end of the day I just have to be okay with not knowing the answers to those questions. My prayer is "God, I don't understand, but help me trust you."
One thing we realized through this is that Heath and I grieve very differently. I go into survival mode-just trying to make it to the next day. He goes into work mode-just stay busy. He kept asking me about landscaping and I was thinking "I don't care, I just want to survive." We are learning to communicate and let each other know what our needs are during this time of grieving.
For now, we are just taking it day by day. Most days are better than they were last week, but most days still contain tears. We are continuing to just walk with God and asking Him to help us believe Him. We are slowly expanding back out to our social circle.
We are so thankful to all of you who have prayed for us, sent us messages, brought us food, brought me sweet tea and are grieving with us. We are thankful to be surrounded with such an unbelievable community of family and friends. We haven't responded to most messages, but please know we have read them and are thankful for your encouraging words. Please continue to pray for us as we continue through this process of grieving. Pray that we will continually "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually." I said this in a Facebook post but want to say it again: We don't know what the Lord is up to in this, but we know He is in it, and in that we take great hope. Thank you for walking this journey with us.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
What Happened
This is a blog post I wish I never had to write. The last week has been really awful and I feel like we are just now coming out of the funk that our lives became. A lot of you have asked how we are doing so I thought it would just be easier for me to write it out. So in this blog I will tell you what happened and then I will write another blog (hopefully soon) to update you all on how we are.
Thursday, the 14th, Heath, Kaleigh and I went out for lunch. I had picked Heath up at work so I was dropping him back off when my phone rang. I figured it was our agency contacting us to tell us what to be ready for the next day. Almost immediately I knew that was not what this phone call was for. Our agency contact told us they had received a text from the birth mom saying she was going to the hospital. They immediately texted back and asked why since she didn't have an appointment that day. She said she would call them in an hour. The hour went by and she didn't call, so they called the social worker at the hospital. They have a release with the social workers so that they can legally give information out about the agency's clients. When they talked to the social worker she told them that the birth mom had called her and told her not to talk to the agency, that she wanted to talk to them herself. At that point the agency called us and told us that we needed to proceed as if she was changing her mind.
I cannot even begin to describe the heart ache that we immediately felt. We always say "adoption is not for the faint of heart," and oh my were we experiencing that first hand like we had never before. In any newborn adoption there is always the risk the birth mother will change her mind. Each state is different, but in Indiana she legally cannot sign over rights for 48 hours after birth. So you're pretty much in limbo until that time passes. We knew that going in, but especially after meeting her we were certain she was going to place with us.
A few hours later our agency called back to tell us that they still could not get in touch with her, she still wasn't allowing the social worker to talk to them and that we should let them know when we wanted our profile book to go back into rotation to be seen by other birth moms. We called our families at that point and told them what was going on and we let you all know the next day. We still held out some sort of hope that in the 48 hours after the birth she would change her mind and place with us, but as the 48 hours came and went, so did the hope of that happening. As of now, our agency still has not talked to her but did find out the boys are here and they are healthy. We are so thankful for that as that was one of our many prayers for them.
The next several days were filled with more tears than I can tell you. It's hard to explain what it feels like. I have never experienced a miscarriage, but I think the emotional toil of it would have to be similar (and others who have had miscarriages have told me it is similar emotions). The way it differs from a miscarriage is that it's like they died, but they didn't. They are alive and healthy. I have found myself thinking "they are a week old now." And I think I will always think like that-"they are going to kindergarten, they are going to middle school, they are....fill in the blank" I think I will just always wonder what they are doing and how they are doing, but know that I will never know the answers to those questions. It's like they were mine, but they aren't. Everyone in adoption says to guard yourself from thinking they are yours until they officially are, but I don't know how you do that so I didn't.
As of last week our book is officially back "on the shelf" so birth mothers can look at it and hopefully we will be picked again soon. It's hard to know how it's going to feel when we get picked again, but we are praying and believing God will give us peace when that time comes. I will update soon on how we are doing, but in the meantime know that God is sustaining us by His grace.
Thursday, the 14th, Heath, Kaleigh and I went out for lunch. I had picked Heath up at work so I was dropping him back off when my phone rang. I figured it was our agency contacting us to tell us what to be ready for the next day. Almost immediately I knew that was not what this phone call was for. Our agency contact told us they had received a text from the birth mom saying she was going to the hospital. They immediately texted back and asked why since she didn't have an appointment that day. She said she would call them in an hour. The hour went by and she didn't call, so they called the social worker at the hospital. They have a release with the social workers so that they can legally give information out about the agency's clients. When they talked to the social worker she told them that the birth mom had called her and told her not to talk to the agency, that she wanted to talk to them herself. At that point the agency called us and told us that we needed to proceed as if she was changing her mind.
I cannot even begin to describe the heart ache that we immediately felt. We always say "adoption is not for the faint of heart," and oh my were we experiencing that first hand like we had never before. In any newborn adoption there is always the risk the birth mother will change her mind. Each state is different, but in Indiana she legally cannot sign over rights for 48 hours after birth. So you're pretty much in limbo until that time passes. We knew that going in, but especially after meeting her we were certain she was going to place with us.
A few hours later our agency called back to tell us that they still could not get in touch with her, she still wasn't allowing the social worker to talk to them and that we should let them know when we wanted our profile book to go back into rotation to be seen by other birth moms. We called our families at that point and told them what was going on and we let you all know the next day. We still held out some sort of hope that in the 48 hours after the birth she would change her mind and place with us, but as the 48 hours came and went, so did the hope of that happening. As of now, our agency still has not talked to her but did find out the boys are here and they are healthy. We are so thankful for that as that was one of our many prayers for them.
The next several days were filled with more tears than I can tell you. It's hard to explain what it feels like. I have never experienced a miscarriage, but I think the emotional toil of it would have to be similar (and others who have had miscarriages have told me it is similar emotions). The way it differs from a miscarriage is that it's like they died, but they didn't. They are alive and healthy. I have found myself thinking "they are a week old now." And I think I will always think like that-"they are going to kindergarten, they are going to middle school, they are....fill in the blank" I think I will just always wonder what they are doing and how they are doing, but know that I will never know the answers to those questions. It's like they were mine, but they aren't. Everyone in adoption says to guard yourself from thinking they are yours until they officially are, but I don't know how you do that so I didn't.
As of last week our book is officially back "on the shelf" so birth mothers can look at it and hopefully we will be picked again soon. It's hard to know how it's going to feel when we get picked again, but we are praying and believing God will give us peace when that time comes. I will update soon on how we are doing, but in the meantime know that God is sustaining us by His grace.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
TWINS!!
Oh man! There is so much to update you on! As you know, we got chosen by a birth mom who is having twins sometime in May. Here's how it all went down.
On Monday, March 23rd, I signed up for a meeting at our adoption agency that is for people who are open to adopting a child of any race. I had to put my number on there in case there were any changes. The next day my phone rang with an Indianapolis number. It wasn't our agency's number but of course I answered-if you are in any type of adoption process you ALWAYS answer your phone, no matter what the number is. When I answered it was our contact from our agency. I didn't think much about it because I figured it was just something about the meeting I had signed us up for. We caught up for a minute or two and then she said "I'm going through your paperwork and can't find if you are open to twins or not." There had been a question mark next to that in our home study, and although I corrected it on there to put that we are, I still thought she was just calling to update our paperwork. So I said "Oh yeah! We are!" Little did I know!
She proceeded to tell me that she had a birth mother looking at our book who was pregnant with twins. I still didn't think too much about it because when we adopted Kaleigh we had 9 other people look at our book and weren't chosen. So I was thinking that she was probably looking at 10 people's books and our agency was trying to figure out who was open to twins.
She proceeded to tell me a lot of information about the birth mom. To be honest I wasn't 100% paying attention because I was trying to not get my hopes up and thinking we probably wouldn't get picked. When she got done I asked her "so how many books is she looking at?" I clearly was not expecting her response of "oh no, she chose you if you are open to twins." That is when I started freaking out. Bless her heart I was just babbling on and on saying "whoa, oh wow, oh, oh ok, oh my goodness...." and on and on. She told me she needed to know by 5 o'clock the next day if we accepted the match.
So if you remember with Kaleigh, I wanted a super fun picture of Heath and me when we found out. Well guess what? Heath was out of town-WHAT? Yep, out.of.town. So I call, no answer. Call, no answer. Call, no answer. Text, no response. Call and finally get him. This is how our conversation went:
Me: Are you sitting down?
H: yeah, what's up?
Me: we got matched
H: YES!
Me: It's twins
H: Oh wow!
H: Let me guess, it's girls (Heath is scared to death of having 3 girls!!) HAHA!
So, you obviously know that we said yes to the match! The first few days I oscillated between wanting to throw up and wanting to hyperventilate-ha! We are so excited, but it is also very overwhelming to go from 1 child to 3 and to think about having 2 the same age. Now that we have gotten used to the idea, the nursery mostly set up and been able to borrow almost everything we need, we feel like we are just able to wait in eager expectation for them.
We were able to meet the boys birth mother a couple of weeks ago and she is precious. She loves these boys so much and said she just can't give them the life she wants for them. We are so thankful for her and her decision to choose life for these boys and the loving, selfless, courageous, hard decision she made to give them up for adoption.
The boys are due at the end of May. To be honest, we are a little confused about the exact due date which I know sounds stupid, but they are going to take them early so we don't know if the date we have is the day they are due or the day they are going to take them. Either way, it doesn't really matter. Sometime in May they will be here.
They are identical twin boys-hopefully we can tell them apart!! We have a few tricks we have heard of to keep it straight! As for names, we have one for sure that we are going to use and are still deciding on the second name. We will announce as soon as we know for sure. As with any adoption, there is a chance she will change her mind. She has 48 hours to change her mind. After meeting her, we don't think she will, but we have to be prepared for that. If that happens, we know the Lord will see us through it.
We thank God for entrusting us with these two boys, and that He saw fit for us to get not just one baby but two. It is from Him that we have received this blessing. We love this beautiful journey He has us one!!
On Monday, March 23rd, I signed up for a meeting at our adoption agency that is for people who are open to adopting a child of any race. I had to put my number on there in case there were any changes. The next day my phone rang with an Indianapolis number. It wasn't our agency's number but of course I answered-if you are in any type of adoption process you ALWAYS answer your phone, no matter what the number is. When I answered it was our contact from our agency. I didn't think much about it because I figured it was just something about the meeting I had signed us up for. We caught up for a minute or two and then she said "I'm going through your paperwork and can't find if you are open to twins or not." There had been a question mark next to that in our home study, and although I corrected it on there to put that we are, I still thought she was just calling to update our paperwork. So I said "Oh yeah! We are!" Little did I know!
She proceeded to tell me that she had a birth mother looking at our book who was pregnant with twins. I still didn't think too much about it because when we adopted Kaleigh we had 9 other people look at our book and weren't chosen. So I was thinking that she was probably looking at 10 people's books and our agency was trying to figure out who was open to twins.
She proceeded to tell me a lot of information about the birth mom. To be honest I wasn't 100% paying attention because I was trying to not get my hopes up and thinking we probably wouldn't get picked. When she got done I asked her "so how many books is she looking at?" I clearly was not expecting her response of "oh no, she chose you if you are open to twins." That is when I started freaking out. Bless her heart I was just babbling on and on saying "whoa, oh wow, oh, oh ok, oh my goodness...." and on and on. She told me she needed to know by 5 o'clock the next day if we accepted the match.
So if you remember with Kaleigh, I wanted a super fun picture of Heath and me when we found out. Well guess what? Heath was out of town-WHAT? Yep, out.of.town. So I call, no answer. Call, no answer. Call, no answer. Text, no response. Call and finally get him. This is how our conversation went:
Me: Are you sitting down?
H: yeah, what's up?
Me: we got matched
H: YES!
Me: It's twins
H: Oh wow!
H: Let me guess, it's girls (Heath is scared to death of having 3 girls!!) HAHA!
So, you obviously know that we said yes to the match! The first few days I oscillated between wanting to throw up and wanting to hyperventilate-ha! We are so excited, but it is also very overwhelming to go from 1 child to 3 and to think about having 2 the same age. Now that we have gotten used to the idea, the nursery mostly set up and been able to borrow almost everything we need, we feel like we are just able to wait in eager expectation for them.
We were able to meet the boys birth mother a couple of weeks ago and she is precious. She loves these boys so much and said she just can't give them the life she wants for them. We are so thankful for her and her decision to choose life for these boys and the loving, selfless, courageous, hard decision she made to give them up for adoption.
The boys are due at the end of May. To be honest, we are a little confused about the exact due date which I know sounds stupid, but they are going to take them early so we don't know if the date we have is the day they are due or the day they are going to take them. Either way, it doesn't really matter. Sometime in May they will be here.
They are identical twin boys-hopefully we can tell them apart!! We have a few tricks we have heard of to keep it straight! As for names, we have one for sure that we are going to use and are still deciding on the second name. We will announce as soon as we know for sure. As with any adoption, there is a chance she will change her mind. She has 48 hours to change her mind. After meeting her, we don't think she will, but we have to be prepared for that. If that happens, we know the Lord will see us through it.
We thank God for entrusting us with these two boys, and that He saw fit for us to get not just one baby but two. It is from Him that we have received this blessing. We love this beautiful journey He has us one!!
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Where We Are
I always realize it's time to update the blog when I start getting a lot of questions about what is going on with our adoption. I so appreciate people asking us and seeing how much people care about us and about our child that we are waiting for.
The real update is there is no update. One thing about adoption is that it's a lot of hurry up and wait. We hurry up and get our paperwork in and then wait for it to be processed. We hurry up and get our home study scheduled and then we wait for it to actually happen. We hurry up and get our profile book ready and then wait for it to get into rotation. So lots of hurry up and wait.
So right now we are in another waiting season. Our book is officially "on the shelf" which means that birth mothers are able to look at it. Now we just wait until we get chosen. They have told us it could be a day or it could be 2 years and there is no way for them to know. It is a little bit of a different process this time. Last time we got birth mother profiles and then said yes or no as to whether we wanted her to see our book. This time we said what we are okay with (as far as drug use, alcohol use, etc) on the front end and then they just show our book to those who fit within our parameters. So basically we have no idea when our book is being shown. We have the freedom to contact our agency at any time and ask how many times it has been shown and if there is any feedback on our book, but our book didn't go into rotation until after Thanksgiving and then they were closed a lot around Christmas/New Year's. So all that to say I doubt our book has been shown very much. We will call in March and see where we stand.
This adoption has been different in another sense as well. When we started the adoption process with Kaleigh we were coming from a hard place. We were so heartbroken and devestated at the news of not being able to have biological children, we were in such a low place emotionally from walking the ups and downs of infertility, we were in a place spiritually that is not a fun place to be-desperately trying to hope in the Lord while still struggling to believe. It was just hard.
This time we are walking into adoption from a place of blessing and joy. Kaleigh is such a blessing and a joy to us and we are so thankful to be her parents. When we were waiting to adopt her we often wondered if we would ever have children and if our family would ever grow. Now, we don't have that question. We have a child and we have an expanded family. We are so thankful for that. It really does make this adoption different for us.
The one thing that hasn't changed with this adoption is the desire for a child. We still have the same desire as we did the first time. We wait with expectation to see how God will choose to unfold the story of our second child. We know that if the months drag on and we still are not chosen, that we will battle through many of the same emotions. Our prayer is that we will be able to look back on all the Lord did in Kaleigh's adoption and take great hope in that. We have already seen and know we will continue to see the Lord's character play out as this story unfolds. We are so thankful that He is unchanging. Please pray for us as we continue to wait on Him. Pray that we will trust Him and believe His Word.
The real update is there is no update. One thing about adoption is that it's a lot of hurry up and wait. We hurry up and get our paperwork in and then wait for it to be processed. We hurry up and get our home study scheduled and then we wait for it to actually happen. We hurry up and get our profile book ready and then wait for it to get into rotation. So lots of hurry up and wait.
So right now we are in another waiting season. Our book is officially "on the shelf" which means that birth mothers are able to look at it. Now we just wait until we get chosen. They have told us it could be a day or it could be 2 years and there is no way for them to know. It is a little bit of a different process this time. Last time we got birth mother profiles and then said yes or no as to whether we wanted her to see our book. This time we said what we are okay with (as far as drug use, alcohol use, etc) on the front end and then they just show our book to those who fit within our parameters. So basically we have no idea when our book is being shown. We have the freedom to contact our agency at any time and ask how many times it has been shown and if there is any feedback on our book, but our book didn't go into rotation until after Thanksgiving and then they were closed a lot around Christmas/New Year's. So all that to say I doubt our book has been shown very much. We will call in March and see where we stand.
This adoption has been different in another sense as well. When we started the adoption process with Kaleigh we were coming from a hard place. We were so heartbroken and devestated at the news of not being able to have biological children, we were in such a low place emotionally from walking the ups and downs of infertility, we were in a place spiritually that is not a fun place to be-desperately trying to hope in the Lord while still struggling to believe. It was just hard.
This time we are walking into adoption from a place of blessing and joy. Kaleigh is such a blessing and a joy to us and we are so thankful to be her parents. When we were waiting to adopt her we often wondered if we would ever have children and if our family would ever grow. Now, we don't have that question. We have a child and we have an expanded family. We are so thankful for that. It really does make this adoption different for us.
The one thing that hasn't changed with this adoption is the desire for a child. We still have the same desire as we did the first time. We wait with expectation to see how God will choose to unfold the story of our second child. We know that if the months drag on and we still are not chosen, that we will battle through many of the same emotions. Our prayer is that we will be able to look back on all the Lord did in Kaleigh's adoption and take great hope in that. We have already seen and know we will continue to see the Lord's character play out as this story unfolds. We are so thankful that He is unchanging. Please pray for us as we continue to wait on Him. Pray that we will trust Him and believe His Word.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Here we go...
Y'all, it happening. I mean it's finally happening. The paperwork is done, the profile book is finished and sitting on our table, the home visit is in the process of being scheduled....this is happening! We got an email late Friday with the days that we can do our home visit. We have sent in our request for the day and are hoping that it will be the week of Thanksgiving. If not then hopefully the week following.
As we have waited to get word from our agency on when our home visit will be scheduled, I have found myself getting frustrated that it's not going as fast as I want it to. Last week we were meeting with some friends from church and one of them prayed for us and her prayer was that we would trust God and His timing and talked about how He knows who our child will be already. Man that was good for my soul. God has got this. Just like He had our adoption for Kaleigh.
This weekend our church had a women's retreat and in one of the talks she talked about remembering God's past faithfulness. It's so funny how quickly I forget. I see God's past faithfulness in so many ways, but one of the ways looks me in the eyes everyday and says "love you momma." How quickly I forget. God was so faithful to us in her adoption. She is the perfect child for us and I know I have said it before, but we L-O-V-E her birth family. Like really love them.
Yet I forget that God will do the same in this adoption. I know that this adoption will probably look completely different from our first. But God HAS NOT changed. He knows who our child will be. He knows who our birth family will be. He knows how this is all going to unfold. Even when I don't.
I find myself not trusting His timing in all this and scrambling trying to get control over things that I have no control over. One verse that we read this weekend that was so good for me was Isaiah 30:15 "This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.." My prayer is that I be quiet in my heart (not worrying and constantly over-thinking every little thing) and trust Him and His timing and in that I will find strength.
Pray for us as we move forward. Once we have our home visit, they will take our profile book and birth mothers will be able to look at it soon after. From there they have told us it could be a day or 2+ years. So as soon as our home visit is done we are back to waiting. Pray we will trust God during this whole process.
As we have waited to get word from our agency on when our home visit will be scheduled, I have found myself getting frustrated that it's not going as fast as I want it to. Last week we were meeting with some friends from church and one of them prayed for us and her prayer was that we would trust God and His timing and talked about how He knows who our child will be already. Man that was good for my soul. God has got this. Just like He had our adoption for Kaleigh.
This weekend our church had a women's retreat and in one of the talks she talked about remembering God's past faithfulness. It's so funny how quickly I forget. I see God's past faithfulness in so many ways, but one of the ways looks me in the eyes everyday and says "love you momma." How quickly I forget. God was so faithful to us in her adoption. She is the perfect child for us and I know I have said it before, but we L-O-V-E her birth family. Like really love them.
Yet I forget that God will do the same in this adoption. I know that this adoption will probably look completely different from our first. But God HAS NOT changed. He knows who our child will be. He knows who our birth family will be. He knows how this is all going to unfold. Even when I don't.
I find myself not trusting His timing in all this and scrambling trying to get control over things that I have no control over. One verse that we read this weekend that was so good for me was Isaiah 30:15 "This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.." My prayer is that I be quiet in my heart (not worrying and constantly over-thinking every little thing) and trust Him and His timing and in that I will find strength.
Pray for us as we move forward. Once we have our home visit, they will take our profile book and birth mothers will be able to look at it soon after. From there they have told us it could be a day or 2+ years. So as soon as our home visit is done we are back to waiting. Pray we will trust God during this whole process.
Monday, September 29, 2014
We Love Paperwork (again!)
So this is the stage of adoption we affectionately refer to as "paper pregnant." SO MUCH PAPERWORK! We had our meeting with our agency a couple of weeks ago and it went great! It was suppose to last an hour but I think since we'd adopted before and knew all the "language" (and believe me, adoption comes with a language all it's own) we were able to get in and out in about 20 minutes. It went something like this: Did you have a background check last time? Yes. Okay you need another one. Did you make a profile book? Yes. Make another one. And on and on. I can see how if it was your first time adopting that meeting would take a while because everything is new and everything would need explaining (just like our first time around). We really like our agency and the woman we will be working with.
So now the paperwork begins. Filling out home study questions-they ask everything from what's your personality, to what's your marriage like, to your financial situation. We each had to answer about 15 questions and then write a narrative about ourselves. We also had to do fingerprints and go to the police station for background checks. I am in the process of making our profile book (think shutterfly book about our family). Although it is a lot of paperwork, it is significantly less than last time because we only had to fill out one agency application instead of 5-7 individual agency applications.
We have an all day orientation in late October and then from there we can schedule our home visit. They come to our house to make sure it is a fit environment for a child. It makes me laugh because we have a child so I sure hope it's a fit environment! We can't schedule our home visit until all of our paperwork is in and one of things that has to be turned in is a physical form from my doctor. Well, I can't get into my doctor until a few days after our paperwork is due. I am pretty much calling everyday to see if she has any cancellations but to no avail. I have to have it filled out by my primary doctor (no urgent care or minute clinic or even another doctor in the practice) She is also Kaleigh's doctor so I have to see her in order to get Kaleigh's paperwork filled out too. Would you pray that I will be able to get into her before our paperwork is due? If I don't get in before, it will just delay our home study by about a week so it's not a huge deal, but I would just love to get it done. I think God is trying to teach me that even in this I have no control. I have to trust Him.
Once we have our home visit, they will take our profile book that day and it will be in rotation (birth moms can start looking at it and potentially choosing us) within a day or two. From there it could be the next day or two years...talk about having no control and having to trust! But we do trust the Lord in this. We have seen Him work. Kaleigh is the perfect child for us and we know He will do the same with our next child. We just can't wait to see how He does it!!
So now the paperwork begins. Filling out home study questions-they ask everything from what's your personality, to what's your marriage like, to your financial situation. We each had to answer about 15 questions and then write a narrative about ourselves. We also had to do fingerprints and go to the police station for background checks. I am in the process of making our profile book (think shutterfly book about our family). Although it is a lot of paperwork, it is significantly less than last time because we only had to fill out one agency application instead of 5-7 individual agency applications.
We have an all day orientation in late October and then from there we can schedule our home visit. They come to our house to make sure it is a fit environment for a child. It makes me laugh because we have a child so I sure hope it's a fit environment! We can't schedule our home visit until all of our paperwork is in and one of things that has to be turned in is a physical form from my doctor. Well, I can't get into my doctor until a few days after our paperwork is due. I am pretty much calling everyday to see if she has any cancellations but to no avail. I have to have it filled out by my primary doctor (no urgent care or minute clinic or even another doctor in the practice) She is also Kaleigh's doctor so I have to see her in order to get Kaleigh's paperwork filled out too. Would you pray that I will be able to get into her before our paperwork is due? If I don't get in before, it will just delay our home study by about a week so it's not a huge deal, but I would just love to get it done. I think God is trying to teach me that even in this I have no control. I have to trust Him.
Once we have our home visit, they will take our profile book that day and it will be in rotation (birth moms can start looking at it and potentially choosing us) within a day or two. From there it could be the next day or two years...talk about having no control and having to trust! But we do trust the Lord in this. We have seen Him work. Kaleigh is the perfect child for us and we know He will do the same with our next child. We just can't wait to see how He does it!!
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