There are all kinds of hashtags out there about adoption. #adoptionrocks #adoptionislove #lovebuildsafamily. And of course all of those things are true, but you don't ever see anyone #adoptionishard, but it's the truth. Let me say from the beginning that adoption is absolutely worth it and I am so thankful for it, but it's just hard. I hope this post doesn't come across as a "Debby Downer" post, but more here's what's going on in our lives and this is what is hard about adoption.
We never thought we would go through a failed adoption, but we did and it was and still is hard. We didn't think we would be a year and a half into this process and still not have a baby, but here we are and it's hard. We didn't think about all the questions we would have to fight through-what's wrong with us? Why doesn't God want us to grow our family? What is He trying to teach us in this? Are we just not "getting it?" What are we suppose to be "getting?" Are we with the right agency? What are we suppose to be doing? All these questions are hard. (For the record I know that most of these questions are lies and I shouldn't "go there" but hey this is just real life)
Adoption is so hard because you have this unbelievable desire to have a child and yet you have no idea when God is going to fulfill your desire. Every day I think "is this going to be the day we get the call?" And I proceed to spend my day wondering if my phone is going to ring. One thing I have started doing is putting it on Do Not Disturb during Kaleigh's nap time so I have a break each day from being obsessed with my phone.
Adoption is also hard because you're constantly living in a limbo-do we plan that vacation,what if we have a newborn? Do I commit to (fill in the blank), what if we have a newborn? Do we start that big project we need to do, what if we get a baby in the middle of this and can't finish? It's constant limbo when it come to decision making. There are so many ups and downs and so many things playing out in your mind all the time.
So here's the thing, adoption is hard. But it also rocks, it is love and love does build a family. I know God is going to play this out in an unbelievable way in our lives. I just don't want to act like it's all butterflies and rainbows. There is just a hard reality to adoption. We are unbelievably thankful for how God grew our family through adoption and are excited to see Him do it again. Please be praying for us as we wait on God's timing.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Update
As always, I remember that I haven't posted for a while when I start to get a lot of questions about what is going on with our adoption. I so appreciate people asking what is going on. Sadly, the answer is...nothing. Nothing is going on with the adoption. We are still waiting. We talked to our agency a few weeks ago and they said "everyone loves your book."
It has still been a struggle to wait on His timing and to be surrendered to His will. One song that I heard has really ministered to my heart. It's called "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns and here are the lyrics.
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go
I love how it talks about how there is freedom in surrender. I am a control freak and this is just something I simply cannot control. There is so much freedom when I surrender to what God is doing and what He wants for our family. The song says lay it down and let it go. I continually have to do that.
I also love the chorus and how it talks to how I am not alone, my world is falling into place and He is on the throne. God is not unaware of my circumstances and He is on the throne. I can run to Him and find rest in Him.
The next verse really hit home with me too. If my eyes are on the cross, I will know He loves me and always will. When I let my heart stray away from the gospel and what God has already accomplished for me on the cross then I start to question God and His character. But when my heart is set on the gospel and I remember that God has already met my greatest need (my salvation from my sin) then I am able to take my eyes off my circumstances and look to Him and believe the truth about Him.
I feel like I could write something about every line of this song, but one last thing that I will write about is how not one tear is wasted and that He is making beauty from ashes. This second adoption has felt like a lot of ashes, but He will make it beautiful and there is great hope in that. My life is in His hands and I find great comfort in that.
One other thing that has this whole waiting process bearable for us is our sweet Kaleigh (by the way, am I the only one that can't believe that sweet thing is 3? what in the world?) There are a couple of things about her that have helped. One, is that we remember the process with her. It was so hard to wait but oh my goodness it was so worth the wait. When we think about her and how the process with her was so hard, yet we are unbelievably thankful that the Lord saw fit for her to be our daughter and absolutely cannot imagine life without her. Two, she is so sweet and absolutely hilarious. She says the funniest things and loves giving hugs and kisses. She is such a joy and such a blessing to us. We thank God for her everyday and are so thankful for her birth mom.
So, no real update, but as always God is working in our hearts and teaching us much about Himself.
It has still been a struggle to wait on His timing and to be surrendered to His will. One song that I heard has really ministered to my heart. It's called "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns and here are the lyrics.
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go
I love how it talks about how there is freedom in surrender. I am a control freak and this is just something I simply cannot control. There is so much freedom when I surrender to what God is doing and what He wants for our family. The song says lay it down and let it go. I continually have to do that.
I also love the chorus and how it talks to how I am not alone, my world is falling into place and He is on the throne. God is not unaware of my circumstances and He is on the throne. I can run to Him and find rest in Him.
The next verse really hit home with me too. If my eyes are on the cross, I will know He loves me and always will. When I let my heart stray away from the gospel and what God has already accomplished for me on the cross then I start to question God and His character. But when my heart is set on the gospel and I remember that God has already met my greatest need (my salvation from my sin) then I am able to take my eyes off my circumstances and look to Him and believe the truth about Him.
I feel like I could write something about every line of this song, but one last thing that I will write about is how not one tear is wasted and that He is making beauty from ashes. This second adoption has felt like a lot of ashes, but He will make it beautiful and there is great hope in that. My life is in His hands and I find great comfort in that.
One other thing that has this whole waiting process bearable for us is our sweet Kaleigh (by the way, am I the only one that can't believe that sweet thing is 3? what in the world?) There are a couple of things about her that have helped. One, is that we remember the process with her. It was so hard to wait but oh my goodness it was so worth the wait. When we think about her and how the process with her was so hard, yet we are unbelievably thankful that the Lord saw fit for her to be our daughter and absolutely cannot imagine life without her. Two, she is so sweet and absolutely hilarious. She says the funniest things and loves giving hugs and kisses. She is such a joy and such a blessing to us. We thank God for her everyday and are so thankful for her birth mom.
So, no real update, but as always God is working in our hearts and teaching us much about Himself.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Waiting is No Fun
Wow it's been a long time since I have updated this blog! Whoops!
The last time I wrote, I wrote about the waves of grief. Let me tell you, they still keep coming. We are still incredibly sad about the boys, I am pretty sure there will always be a part of our hearts that is sad over that. I still wonder how they are doing and if they are safe and if the birth mom has the support she needs, if she feels loved. I will probably always wonder those things. For the most part the waves haven't been huge and haven't really knocked me over, but the waves still come and there are varying levels of grief that still come with that whole situation, but in some ways my grief has shifted.
What I mean by that is that I have become more and more sad that we have empty arms. We desire a baby so much and it is just sad to not have that desire fulfilled. Kaleigh has been saying a lot more about it too. She asked me if I could grow a baby in my belly for us and when she could be a big sister and telling us that she wants a baby. It is so sweet and so heartbreaking all at the same time. It has given us lots of opportunity to talk to her about adoption and the love her birth mom has for her and how we are waiting on God to give us another baby. It has caused us to pray more with her for a baby for us, which causes me to be more prayerful about it during the day. Waiting is just no fun.
There was also another element that came into our waiting. About 2 months ago we got information that we were in the top 3 for a birth mom. A few weeks later we were told that we were in her top 2 and she asked us and the other family to answer several questions for her. If you remember with Kaleigh we were in the top 2 seven different times and each time we were told no. So this wasn't our first rodeo. We knew the possibility of us getting chosen was just as good as it was for us to not get chosen. Still, it is obviously hard to not get your hopes up in that situation.
A few weeks into this whole "top 3, top 2" scenario Heath and I were talking and he said "no matter what happens I am resolving to worship and praise God." I think for both us we just needed to decide in our hearts that we would trust God with what He wanted for us. Well, last week we got the call that the birth mom chose the other family. It was a sad phone call to get. Sweet Kaleigh didn't know what to do with me crying so she said "blow your nose momma, you'll feel better." (Love her!) It is just so disappointing to not get chosen. And it feels like this waiting will never end. But the truth is, one day this waiting will be over and we will have a baby and we will look back and see God's plan in all of it-just like we see it in Kaleigh's life.
One thing God has been showing me is that I trust Him, but am not surrendered to how He is going to play it all out. I trust that God is going to give us a baby and that we will see His perfection and goodness to us in all of this. The problem comes in when I try to hold onto how I think He should play it out. When it doesn't play out like I think it should then I start to question Him and ask Him if He knows what He is doing. I'm not surrendered to how He wants to play this out in my life. So when He revealed that, I surrendered. "God not only do I trust You, but I surrender to how you want to do it." And it's a daily surrender for me. Every day, multiple times I day I have to tell Him I trust Him and I am surrendered to how He wants to do this.
Waiting is no fun, but there is lots to learn in the waiting and we see Him teaching us and showing us more of who He is. Pray for us that we will continue to trust Him and be surrendered to Him and His plan for this. We can't wait to see how He plays this out!
The last time I wrote, I wrote about the waves of grief. Let me tell you, they still keep coming. We are still incredibly sad about the boys, I am pretty sure there will always be a part of our hearts that is sad over that. I still wonder how they are doing and if they are safe and if the birth mom has the support she needs, if she feels loved. I will probably always wonder those things. For the most part the waves haven't been huge and haven't really knocked me over, but the waves still come and there are varying levels of grief that still come with that whole situation, but in some ways my grief has shifted.
What I mean by that is that I have become more and more sad that we have empty arms. We desire a baby so much and it is just sad to not have that desire fulfilled. Kaleigh has been saying a lot more about it too. She asked me if I could grow a baby in my belly for us and when she could be a big sister and telling us that she wants a baby. It is so sweet and so heartbreaking all at the same time. It has given us lots of opportunity to talk to her about adoption and the love her birth mom has for her and how we are waiting on God to give us another baby. It has caused us to pray more with her for a baby for us, which causes me to be more prayerful about it during the day. Waiting is just no fun.
There was also another element that came into our waiting. About 2 months ago we got information that we were in the top 3 for a birth mom. A few weeks later we were told that we were in her top 2 and she asked us and the other family to answer several questions for her. If you remember with Kaleigh we were in the top 2 seven different times and each time we were told no. So this wasn't our first rodeo. We knew the possibility of us getting chosen was just as good as it was for us to not get chosen. Still, it is obviously hard to not get your hopes up in that situation.
A few weeks into this whole "top 3, top 2" scenario Heath and I were talking and he said "no matter what happens I am resolving to worship and praise God." I think for both us we just needed to decide in our hearts that we would trust God with what He wanted for us. Well, last week we got the call that the birth mom chose the other family. It was a sad phone call to get. Sweet Kaleigh didn't know what to do with me crying so she said "blow your nose momma, you'll feel better." (Love her!) It is just so disappointing to not get chosen. And it feels like this waiting will never end. But the truth is, one day this waiting will be over and we will have a baby and we will look back and see God's plan in all of it-just like we see it in Kaleigh's life.
One thing God has been showing me is that I trust Him, but am not surrendered to how He is going to play it all out. I trust that God is going to give us a baby and that we will see His perfection and goodness to us in all of this. The problem comes in when I try to hold onto how I think He should play it out. When it doesn't play out like I think it should then I start to question Him and ask Him if He knows what He is doing. I'm not surrendered to how He wants to play this out in my life. So when He revealed that, I surrendered. "God not only do I trust You, but I surrender to how you want to do it." And it's a daily surrender for me. Every day, multiple times I day I have to tell Him I trust Him and I am surrendered to how He wants to do this.
Waiting is no fun, but there is lots to learn in the waiting and we see Him teaching us and showing us more of who He is. Pray for us that we will continue to trust Him and be surrendered to Him and His plan for this. We can't wait to see how He plays this out!
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Where We Are
It's been almost 3 months since the boys were born, since we found out we wouldn't be adopting them. There is not one day that goes by that I don't think about them and wonder how they are doing, how their mom is doing. There's not one day that my heart doesn't ache over the loss we experienced in this failed adoption.
The first 3 weeks or so after we found out we weren't getting them were awful-more so than words could ever describe. Then it got better. It's not that I wasn't sad anymore or that I didn't hurt any more, it just wasn't as intense. Then it hit me all over again. I was talking to a friend about it and she said it reminded her about a blog post she read about the waves of grief. I could instantly connect to what she was describing.
The first 3 weeks it felt like we were in a hurricane-wave after wave crashing down. Then when it got better- it felt like we were in calmer waters. There were small waves, daily waves, that hit but nothing that knocked you over. Then the big waves started again. You know how it is when you're in the ocean. You're standing there just enjoying the water when all of a sudden a wave comes that just knocks you down. Maybe there are several waves like that, maybe there is just one, but you just weren't expecting it so you didn't brace yourself and then down you go. That's how these last few weeks have felt. I knew I wasn't "over it" (and I don't know if I ever fully will be), but I just didn't expect the grief to come crashing down again. I'm glad my friend referenced the waves of grief blog she read because it is so helpful for me to put a name to what I'm feeling and realizing that I'm probably not done experiencing crashing waves so I won't be surprised when it happens again.
We are also learning a lot about ourselves and about what we believe about God. To be honest, it is a struggle to trust His character. When we were going through infertility I had a hard time reconciling what I knew to be true about God and what I felt. It feels like I am going through the same thing again. I know God is good, but it doesn't feel like He is good. I know He is faithful but it doesn't feel like He is faithful. I realized as I was having my quiet time the other day that I'm almost waiting for Him to give us a baby and then I will believe those things. I will hold that baby and think back and see that He was being good and faithful to us in this and I will believe. What I'm realizing is that I shouldn't and don't want to wait until He gives me what I want to believe those things. I need to believe those things today because they are true today. A baby won't change His character.
As far as the adoption, we called a few weeks ago and they told us our book is being looked at and there is nothing we should change. As summer comes to a close, we will probably update our book because Kaleigh looks older now (I'm sorry but when did my baby turn into a little girl!! She seems so big to me) and we will put our family vacations from this spring/summer in there. We are just waiting and trying to trust His timing.
Again I will say that Kaleigh has been such a huge huge blessing to us in all of this. We just love her so much and are so thankful for her. She is at a really fun age where she communicates with us and we can have actual conversations with her. She has healed so many of the hurt places not just with infertility but with this failed adoption as well. We are forever grateful for her.
The first 3 weeks or so after we found out we weren't getting them were awful-more so than words could ever describe. Then it got better. It's not that I wasn't sad anymore or that I didn't hurt any more, it just wasn't as intense. Then it hit me all over again. I was talking to a friend about it and she said it reminded her about a blog post she read about the waves of grief. I could instantly connect to what she was describing.
The first 3 weeks it felt like we were in a hurricane-wave after wave crashing down. Then when it got better- it felt like we were in calmer waters. There were small waves, daily waves, that hit but nothing that knocked you over. Then the big waves started again. You know how it is when you're in the ocean. You're standing there just enjoying the water when all of a sudden a wave comes that just knocks you down. Maybe there are several waves like that, maybe there is just one, but you just weren't expecting it so you didn't brace yourself and then down you go. That's how these last few weeks have felt. I knew I wasn't "over it" (and I don't know if I ever fully will be), but I just didn't expect the grief to come crashing down again. I'm glad my friend referenced the waves of grief blog she read because it is so helpful for me to put a name to what I'm feeling and realizing that I'm probably not done experiencing crashing waves so I won't be surprised when it happens again.
We are also learning a lot about ourselves and about what we believe about God. To be honest, it is a struggle to trust His character. When we were going through infertility I had a hard time reconciling what I knew to be true about God and what I felt. It feels like I am going through the same thing again. I know God is good, but it doesn't feel like He is good. I know He is faithful but it doesn't feel like He is faithful. I realized as I was having my quiet time the other day that I'm almost waiting for Him to give us a baby and then I will believe those things. I will hold that baby and think back and see that He was being good and faithful to us in this and I will believe. What I'm realizing is that I shouldn't and don't want to wait until He gives me what I want to believe those things. I need to believe those things today because they are true today. A baby won't change His character.
As far as the adoption, we called a few weeks ago and they told us our book is being looked at and there is nothing we should change. As summer comes to a close, we will probably update our book because Kaleigh looks older now (I'm sorry but when did my baby turn into a little girl!! She seems so big to me) and we will put our family vacations from this spring/summer in there. We are just waiting and trying to trust His timing.
Again I will say that Kaleigh has been such a huge huge blessing to us in all of this. We just love her so much and are so thankful for her. She is at a really fun age where she communicates with us and we can have actual conversations with her. She has healed so many of the hurt places not just with infertility but with this failed adoption as well. We are forever grateful for her.
Monday, June 1, 2015
So Thankful
One of our greatest blessings during this time of grief has been our sweet Kaleigh.
We are so thankful for her and the laughter she has brought to us the last few weeks. When I told my dad what was happening with the twins, one of the things he said was "think of all the times you got told no the first time and then you got Kaleigh." I knew exactly what he meant. We cannot imagine our lives without Kaleigh. We are so thankful we got told no the other times, because Kaleigh is perfect for our family. And we love her birth family more than we could ever say. We know one day we will look back on this and see how whatever baby God gives us will be the perfect baby for our family and we pray we have as great a relationship with the birth mother this time as we do with Kaleigh's.
Kaleigh has been saying lots of funny things lately. The laughter has helped heal our hearts and we are so thankful for her. Here are some funny things Kaleigh has been saying lately (and I know since I'm her mom I probably think they are funnier than they really are!):
-One day she fell hard and Heath ran over and picked her up and she was sobbing. All she would say is "my ponytail!!" She was so upset because she thought her ponytail got messed up!
-We were talking about her college fund and she said "I not going to college." I asked her why and she responded "I want to stay at home."
-Several months ago Heath told Kaleigh that coffee makes mommy happy. Now every time you ask her what makes mommy happy and every time we see Starbucks in Target (which I have never bought a drink from), she says "Coffee makes mommy happy."
-She had paci's in her crib at nap and night time so we decided to take them away. We told her she could go to Target and trade in her paci's for any toy she wanted. We talked it up for days and several times a day she told me she wanted a wallet. When we got to Target we went to the toy dept. and she picked up an Olaf and carried it around and then put it down and picked up a Care Bear. A few minutes later she said "I want to put this back and get a wallet." So she got a wallet-ridiculous.
There have been many more, but I realize only Heath, family and I will think these are funny! All of that to say, we are thankful for the beautiful gift that she is.
Kaleigh has been saying lots of funny things lately. The laughter has helped heal our hearts and we are so thankful for her. Here are some funny things Kaleigh has been saying lately (and I know since I'm her mom I probably think they are funnier than they really are!):
-One day she fell hard and Heath ran over and picked her up and she was sobbing. All she would say is "my ponytail!!" She was so upset because she thought her ponytail got messed up!
-We were talking about her college fund and she said "I not going to college." I asked her why and she responded "I want to stay at home."
-Several months ago Heath told Kaleigh that coffee makes mommy happy. Now every time you ask her what makes mommy happy and every time we see Starbucks in Target (which I have never bought a drink from), she says "Coffee makes mommy happy."
-She had paci's in her crib at nap and night time so we decided to take them away. We told her she could go to Target and trade in her paci's for any toy she wanted. We talked it up for days and several times a day she told me she wanted a wallet. When we got to Target we went to the toy dept. and she picked up an Olaf and carried it around and then put it down and picked up a Care Bear. A few minutes later she said "I want to put this back and get a wallet." So she got a wallet-ridiculous.
There have been many more, but I realize only Heath, family and I will think these are funny! All of that to say, we are thankful for the beautiful gift that she is.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
How We Are
I want to start this post the same way I ended the last one-God is sustaining us by His grace. He is working in our hearts and He is healing them. We are grieving and grieving takes time. So we will go through the grieving process (however long that takes) and we will trust Him with our grief and trust Him to continue to heal our hearts.
This year I have been praying Psalm 105:4 into my life. It says "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually." I originally started praying that for several reasons 1) I often look to my own strength to get me through the day and I wanted to be reminded that I need the Lord's strength 2) I usually do my Bible time in the morning and by the end of the day I can't remember what I read so I wanted to be reminded to always be seeking Him all through my day 3) I was struggling in some parenting things with Kaleigh and I didn't want to parent in my own strength, but in His. God had other plans for how He was going to use this verse in my life. It has been so good for me to remind myself of this verse as we have traveled this road of grief. I need Him in a way I haven't felt in a long time. I need Him to be my strength because I just can't do it. I need Him to continually remind me of who He is and what the truth of His word says, because there are many times I question.
When we first found out and for several days after I just could not stop crying. It was interesting though because at my very heart of hearts I knew God was being good and faithful to us in this. I didn't understand what He was doing (still don't and maybe never will) but I was trusting Him. That night when Heath and I were talking I said (through tears) "I am so so sad, but I trust God." He said, "me too." I am so thankful that through this, we have been given the grace to trust God.
My goal for the first week was if everyone in our house was still alive and had been fed three meals then it was a victory. I couldn't talk about it. I cried at every text message, every voice mail, every Facebook comment or message-every single one. Every morning when we get Kaleigh up we sing her a song that says "Good morning God, this is Your day. I am your child. Show me Your way." On Friday morning I went to get her and said "Good morning God" and immediately lost it. I was trying to get her dressed and couldn't even see because of the tears. Heath was downstairs so I called up for his help because I just couldn't do it. There were lots of neighbors that we aren't connected with on Facebook and I cried every time I had to tell one of them. I say all that to say that there is just an unimaginable sadness. And it isn't just sadness for ourselves, it is also a sadness for the boys. We don't know for sure what kind of lifestyle they will have, but from what we do know, they will probably grow up in poverty and without stability and it just makes us sad for them. I am not saying that their mom will not be a good mom to them, I think she will be, I am just saying that we are sad that they will have to struggle through life. (I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound like we are condemning her for her choice to keep them)
About mid week last week I hit the angry stage. I just don't understand why. Why did we even get chosen if she was just going to change her mind? Why is is better for them to grow up in poverty than with us? Why did we have to go through infertility and now this, when it's so easy for others to have children? The list of why questions goes on and on. At the end of the day I just have to be okay with not knowing the answers to those questions. My prayer is "God, I don't understand, but help me trust you."
One thing we realized through this is that Heath and I grieve very differently. I go into survival mode-just trying to make it to the next day. He goes into work mode-just stay busy. He kept asking me about landscaping and I was thinking "I don't care, I just want to survive." We are learning to communicate and let each other know what our needs are during this time of grieving.
For now, we are just taking it day by day. Most days are better than they were last week, but most days still contain tears. We are continuing to just walk with God and asking Him to help us believe Him. We are slowly expanding back out to our social circle.
We are so thankful to all of you who have prayed for us, sent us messages, brought us food, brought me sweet tea and are grieving with us. We are thankful to be surrounded with such an unbelievable community of family and friends. We haven't responded to most messages, but please know we have read them and are thankful for your encouraging words. Please continue to pray for us as we continue through this process of grieving. Pray that we will continually "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually." I said this in a Facebook post but want to say it again: We don't know what the Lord is up to in this, but we know He is in it, and in that we take great hope. Thank you for walking this journey with us.
This year I have been praying Psalm 105:4 into my life. It says "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually." I originally started praying that for several reasons 1) I often look to my own strength to get me through the day and I wanted to be reminded that I need the Lord's strength 2) I usually do my Bible time in the morning and by the end of the day I can't remember what I read so I wanted to be reminded to always be seeking Him all through my day 3) I was struggling in some parenting things with Kaleigh and I didn't want to parent in my own strength, but in His. God had other plans for how He was going to use this verse in my life. It has been so good for me to remind myself of this verse as we have traveled this road of grief. I need Him in a way I haven't felt in a long time. I need Him to be my strength because I just can't do it. I need Him to continually remind me of who He is and what the truth of His word says, because there are many times I question.
When we first found out and for several days after I just could not stop crying. It was interesting though because at my very heart of hearts I knew God was being good and faithful to us in this. I didn't understand what He was doing (still don't and maybe never will) but I was trusting Him. That night when Heath and I were talking I said (through tears) "I am so so sad, but I trust God." He said, "me too." I am so thankful that through this, we have been given the grace to trust God.
My goal for the first week was if everyone in our house was still alive and had been fed three meals then it was a victory. I couldn't talk about it. I cried at every text message, every voice mail, every Facebook comment or message-every single one. Every morning when we get Kaleigh up we sing her a song that says "Good morning God, this is Your day. I am your child. Show me Your way." On Friday morning I went to get her and said "Good morning God" and immediately lost it. I was trying to get her dressed and couldn't even see because of the tears. Heath was downstairs so I called up for his help because I just couldn't do it. There were lots of neighbors that we aren't connected with on Facebook and I cried every time I had to tell one of them. I say all that to say that there is just an unimaginable sadness. And it isn't just sadness for ourselves, it is also a sadness for the boys. We don't know for sure what kind of lifestyle they will have, but from what we do know, they will probably grow up in poverty and without stability and it just makes us sad for them. I am not saying that their mom will not be a good mom to them, I think she will be, I am just saying that we are sad that they will have to struggle through life. (I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound like we are condemning her for her choice to keep them)
About mid week last week I hit the angry stage. I just don't understand why. Why did we even get chosen if she was just going to change her mind? Why is is better for them to grow up in poverty than with us? Why did we have to go through infertility and now this, when it's so easy for others to have children? The list of why questions goes on and on. At the end of the day I just have to be okay with not knowing the answers to those questions. My prayer is "God, I don't understand, but help me trust you."
One thing we realized through this is that Heath and I grieve very differently. I go into survival mode-just trying to make it to the next day. He goes into work mode-just stay busy. He kept asking me about landscaping and I was thinking "I don't care, I just want to survive." We are learning to communicate and let each other know what our needs are during this time of grieving.
For now, we are just taking it day by day. Most days are better than they were last week, but most days still contain tears. We are continuing to just walk with God and asking Him to help us believe Him. We are slowly expanding back out to our social circle.
We are so thankful to all of you who have prayed for us, sent us messages, brought us food, brought me sweet tea and are grieving with us. We are thankful to be surrounded with such an unbelievable community of family and friends. We haven't responded to most messages, but please know we have read them and are thankful for your encouraging words. Please continue to pray for us as we continue through this process of grieving. Pray that we will continually "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually." I said this in a Facebook post but want to say it again: We don't know what the Lord is up to in this, but we know He is in it, and in that we take great hope. Thank you for walking this journey with us.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
What Happened
This is a blog post I wish I never had to write. The last week has been really awful and I feel like we are just now coming out of the funk that our lives became. A lot of you have asked how we are doing so I thought it would just be easier for me to write it out. So in this blog I will tell you what happened and then I will write another blog (hopefully soon) to update you all on how we are.
Thursday, the 14th, Heath, Kaleigh and I went out for lunch. I had picked Heath up at work so I was dropping him back off when my phone rang. I figured it was our agency contacting us to tell us what to be ready for the next day. Almost immediately I knew that was not what this phone call was for. Our agency contact told us they had received a text from the birth mom saying she was going to the hospital. They immediately texted back and asked why since she didn't have an appointment that day. She said she would call them in an hour. The hour went by and she didn't call, so they called the social worker at the hospital. They have a release with the social workers so that they can legally give information out about the agency's clients. When they talked to the social worker she told them that the birth mom had called her and told her not to talk to the agency, that she wanted to talk to them herself. At that point the agency called us and told us that we needed to proceed as if she was changing her mind.
I cannot even begin to describe the heart ache that we immediately felt. We always say "adoption is not for the faint of heart," and oh my were we experiencing that first hand like we had never before. In any newborn adoption there is always the risk the birth mother will change her mind. Each state is different, but in Indiana she legally cannot sign over rights for 48 hours after birth. So you're pretty much in limbo until that time passes. We knew that going in, but especially after meeting her we were certain she was going to place with us.
A few hours later our agency called back to tell us that they still could not get in touch with her, she still wasn't allowing the social worker to talk to them and that we should let them know when we wanted our profile book to go back into rotation to be seen by other birth moms. We called our families at that point and told them what was going on and we let you all know the next day. We still held out some sort of hope that in the 48 hours after the birth she would change her mind and place with us, but as the 48 hours came and went, so did the hope of that happening. As of now, our agency still has not talked to her but did find out the boys are here and they are healthy. We are so thankful for that as that was one of our many prayers for them.
The next several days were filled with more tears than I can tell you. It's hard to explain what it feels like. I have never experienced a miscarriage, but I think the emotional toil of it would have to be similar (and others who have had miscarriages have told me it is similar emotions). The way it differs from a miscarriage is that it's like they died, but they didn't. They are alive and healthy. I have found myself thinking "they are a week old now." And I think I will always think like that-"they are going to kindergarten, they are going to middle school, they are....fill in the blank" I think I will just always wonder what they are doing and how they are doing, but know that I will never know the answers to those questions. It's like they were mine, but they aren't. Everyone in adoption says to guard yourself from thinking they are yours until they officially are, but I don't know how you do that so I didn't.
As of last week our book is officially back "on the shelf" so birth mothers can look at it and hopefully we will be picked again soon. It's hard to know how it's going to feel when we get picked again, but we are praying and believing God will give us peace when that time comes. I will update soon on how we are doing, but in the meantime know that God is sustaining us by His grace.
Thursday, the 14th, Heath, Kaleigh and I went out for lunch. I had picked Heath up at work so I was dropping him back off when my phone rang. I figured it was our agency contacting us to tell us what to be ready for the next day. Almost immediately I knew that was not what this phone call was for. Our agency contact told us they had received a text from the birth mom saying she was going to the hospital. They immediately texted back and asked why since she didn't have an appointment that day. She said she would call them in an hour. The hour went by and she didn't call, so they called the social worker at the hospital. They have a release with the social workers so that they can legally give information out about the agency's clients. When they talked to the social worker she told them that the birth mom had called her and told her not to talk to the agency, that she wanted to talk to them herself. At that point the agency called us and told us that we needed to proceed as if she was changing her mind.
I cannot even begin to describe the heart ache that we immediately felt. We always say "adoption is not for the faint of heart," and oh my were we experiencing that first hand like we had never before. In any newborn adoption there is always the risk the birth mother will change her mind. Each state is different, but in Indiana she legally cannot sign over rights for 48 hours after birth. So you're pretty much in limbo until that time passes. We knew that going in, but especially after meeting her we were certain she was going to place with us.
A few hours later our agency called back to tell us that they still could not get in touch with her, she still wasn't allowing the social worker to talk to them and that we should let them know when we wanted our profile book to go back into rotation to be seen by other birth moms. We called our families at that point and told them what was going on and we let you all know the next day. We still held out some sort of hope that in the 48 hours after the birth she would change her mind and place with us, but as the 48 hours came and went, so did the hope of that happening. As of now, our agency still has not talked to her but did find out the boys are here and they are healthy. We are so thankful for that as that was one of our many prayers for them.
The next several days were filled with more tears than I can tell you. It's hard to explain what it feels like. I have never experienced a miscarriage, but I think the emotional toil of it would have to be similar (and others who have had miscarriages have told me it is similar emotions). The way it differs from a miscarriage is that it's like they died, but they didn't. They are alive and healthy. I have found myself thinking "they are a week old now." And I think I will always think like that-"they are going to kindergarten, they are going to middle school, they are....fill in the blank" I think I will just always wonder what they are doing and how they are doing, but know that I will never know the answers to those questions. It's like they were mine, but they aren't. Everyone in adoption says to guard yourself from thinking they are yours until they officially are, but I don't know how you do that so I didn't.
As of last week our book is officially back "on the shelf" so birth mothers can look at it and hopefully we will be picked again soon. It's hard to know how it's going to feel when we get picked again, but we are praying and believing God will give us peace when that time comes. I will update soon on how we are doing, but in the meantime know that God is sustaining us by His grace.
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