Well we got a bit of good news this past week. After 2 months of going to the doctor every week and hearing mostly bad news, this good news was gratefully welcomed! Heath went to the doctor last Thursday and his MRI came back clear!! Yay!! So what that means is that nothing is blocking his pituitary gland, it's just not doing what it is suppose to be doing (in our case producing enough testosterone). The doctor prescribed some medicine and over the next few months we will regulate it. That means he takes the medicine and in a month he goes back to see where his testosterone level is. If it's okay then he continues on that amount of medicine. If not, they up the amount he takes...and so on and so on until they get his levels where they need to be. After that the doctor says we have just a good of a chance as anyone to get pregnant. We are SO thankful for this news. It was a welcome relief and we praise God for it.
We really are so thankful, but there is also this hint of "here we go again." It's been a looooong, hard, painful, sad...you get the drift....past 16 months (how long we have been trying). With this new medicine it's kind of like we are starting over. Some days I wonder if I can do this again. The thing that has been hardest for me over the last several months is the hope and the disappointment each month. Every month there is this sense of hope-maybe I'm pregnant-and every month when I wasn't there was an equal sense of disappointment. I don't care how long you've been trying to get pregnant whether it's one month or one year or even longer, it's just hard to be hopeful and then be disappointed. Part of me just wonders if I can keep going. Two nights ago Heath and I were talking and he said "honestly some days I just want to give up." My thoughts exactly. We aren't going to give up and we are going to continue to try to get pregnant, but most days I just want to give up. Like I said in the last post, it's just hard. I have been praying that God will just pour out His grace on Heath and me and that we will "set our minds on things above and not on things of this earth" (Col. 3:2)
Another thing that has been hard is for me to really trust God. I don't even know (in this situation) what that looks like to be honest. I have been trusting God for 16 months and He hasn't done it, and there is no promise that He ever will. It's not that I think God can't do it because He can. He is powerful and sovereign and He can do whatever He wants. So my issue isn't that I think He can't, I just wonder if He will. It may not be God's will for Heath and I to have biological children. I think I'm okay with that and would happily raise a child that I didn't give birth to, but can I handle the next several months of hope and disappointment (if that's what God has for us, He may allow us to get pregnant right away)? So you see I need so much grace! I know this post is jumbled but so are my thoughts at this point in the journey.
Let me say this to close, just because I'm a jumbled mess and I don't know what to think or how to trust or if I can make it through another season of hope and disappointment, we are beyond thankful for the good news we got. It helps us be hopeful-not that we hope in medicine or what the doctor says, but our hope is that God will use the medicine and the wisdom He gave the doctor to allow us to get pregnant. I just don't want my jumbled thoughts to not point you to God. I will trust Him and even if we have to go through another long season of hope and disappoint He will get me through (His power is perfected in my weakness 2 Cor. 12:9) God is good and He is being good to us as we go along on our beautiful journey.
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ML..hey more than you know, these comments, though you think they are jumbled, are so God glorfying. He is gloried in our weakness, and in our realization that we have not been trusting Him, and in the coming to him in repentance and trust. Although, I am not in your season of life, I can identify. I will pray God will grant your desire for a child.
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