One word

 If I could describe infertility in one word it would be this: hard. I don't have the "spiritual" answer or even a pretty answer. The bottom line is that although we have learned a lot, it has been so hard. I say this because I want to be real. The truth is that it has been good and we can see God in this, but at the end of the day it's just hard and that's ok.

I remember several years ago a friend of mine passed away suddenly and I was beside myself. The only way I knew how to describe how I felt was "I'm not okay and that's okay." I feel like that again in some ways. "I'm not okay and that's okay" I cry-a lot (ask my poor husband), I get angry for no reason (bless Heath's heart) and a whole myriad of other emotions that some days I feel like I have absolutely no control over. And in some ways I'm okay with that. I think it's good for me to experience those emotions-if I didn't have them I don't know if I'd be human. I also think it's good for my relationship with God because I really have to "go there" with Him. I'm not trying to pretend. I don't want to pretend, this is just hard. I want a baby, I want to raise a family, I want to know what it's like to be pregnant and feel the baby kick, I want all those things so bad and the fact that I'm not experiencing any of it is just hard.

I think the thing about it too is that I have a monthly reminder that I am having problems getting pregnant. Every month right before I'm suppose to start I think "maybe the doctors are wrong" and I begin to wonder if maybe just maybe I am pregnant. Then the day comes. It starts with cramping and then I begin to feel like I getting fat and then I start. Every month, without fail, it is so disappointing. (I will say this though, now that we know something is wrong, it has been less disappointing. Still disappointing no doubt, just not as much) So every month I'm reminded that the thing I want so bad is still not happening for me.

One thing I love about my relationship with the Lord is that I feel totally freed up to be honest with Him. I tell Him when my heart hurts, when I'm so sad I don't know what to do with myself, when I'm angry at how this is all going, how I don't understand what He's doing. I tell Him all of it-He already knows so I might as well talk to Him about it. He lovingly leads me back to the truth and reminds me of who He is in the midst of this. He is good, faithful, righteous in all His ways, kind, loving and the list could go on forever. So even though this is so hard, God is right here with me leading me along. This is where He has me, this is where He has Heath...as we go along in this beautiful (hard in this season) journey.