Apathy

Apathetic would be a good way to describe how I have felt the last few weeks. Apathetic about God's word, about prayer and just about life in general. The past few weeks have been good in the sense that we got to see both of our families over Thanksgiving (such a blessing!) and we got to see friends (and make some new ones!) last weekend when we went to KY for a wedding.  I was really excited about both of those things, but other than that I just have felt apathetic.

Two nights ago Heath and I were laying in bed and I just confessed to him that I was struggling to desire God's word and that I went through most of the day without thinking about praying. I think I am just emotionally and spiritually tired. It is draining to me spiritually to continually fight the lies that are constantly bombarding my mind. It is draining to feel like I constantly need to be praying and asking God to work and move. I have really struggled with God the last few weeks.

Finally, yesterday, I got to get away for a little bit and spend some extended time in the word and prayer. Even though I don't necessarily desire those things right now, I know it's the best thing for me. Anyway, I just got away and asked God where He was and why He wasn't showing up in this situation. Those are tough questions to ask because the truth is He's right beside me and He is showing up, just not in the way I think He should. I got to read through some of the Psalms and pray through them. It was good for my heart. One verse that stuck out to me was Ps. 78:18 which says "They tested God in their heart by demanding the food they craved." Before you think I'm off my rocker because I have plenty of food, let me explain. He is talking about the Israelites here. He has just rescued them from Pharaoh, parted the Red Sea and provided for them in so many other ways. I read the account of the Israelites and I think "are they crazy? can't they see all God has done for them?" And then I realize I am just like them. If the verse were written about me it would say "Mary Leslie tested God in her heart by demanding the baby she craves." Ouch! I am just like them. I need to repent.

God used my day yesterday to begin to draw me out of my apathetic state of mind. It's still a struggle, but I see light at the end of the tunnel. I write all this to encourage any of you who are feeling apathetic in your walk with the Lord right now. Get some time with Him, even if you don't feel like it. Open up His word and let Him speak into your heart. I in no way think I am over my apathetic state, but it's a step in the right direction...on this beautiful journey.