My Dream

Growing up I always knew one thing for sure: I wanted to be a mom. I love kids and have always loved kids. I use to beg my parents to let me help in the nursery during church. My dream was to get married and not too long afterwards start having children. Well, that dream is not my reality. My reality is that at this point I cannot have children. Yes, we are taking medicine that could work and we are doing everything we can, but even my doctor said at this point (until the medicine is regulated) it is not reasonable to think I will get pregnant. That's why I say at this point I can't. Anyway, I feel like in a lot of ways my dream has died. Let me explain...

Seventeen months ago when we decided to start trying to get pregnant I was beyond excited. This was it! My dream was coming true! We were going to get pregnant and have a baby! I knew it would probably take a few months so I didn't want to get over excited, but let's face it who wouldn't be excited to see their dream come true. Another dream I had was how fun it would be to tell our family and friends that we were pregnant. I thought about all kinds of fun ways we could tell them.

We told almost no one that we were trying for a long time. I wanted it to be a fun surprise for everyone. Well, that's two things it's most definitely not at this point 1) fun and 2) a surprise. This isn't fun anymore. It's hard. It hasn't been fun for a long time. I always dreamed of getting pregnant as such a fun thing and I feel like that dream is dead. I am in no way saying that I won't be beyond thrilled when we are pregnant, but it's not fun right now. I cry and crying isn't fun. I get jealous and jealousy isn't fun. I get angry and being angry isn't fun. This is just not fun. It's also not a surprise. Everyone and their mom now knows that we are trying. Heck I feel like everyone and their mom now knows my cycle. I feel like every month people are waiting to hear if I started or not (because they know when I should!) I know our families and friends will be so excited for us when we do, but I feel like in no way will it be a surprise to them. And I feel like that's a dead dream. My doctor tells me my dream is not dead, I will have children someday-either naturally or through adoption, but my dream feels dead. The way I always dreamed of it looking is dead.

I say all that (and I know it probably makes no sense) to be real and also to let you know why we didn't tell people for a long time. I know God will someday give us a beautiful child. I am praying during this season of my journey that God will give me a new dream.