He goes before me

The past few weeks have been just plain hard. Don't get me wrong, I so enjoyed seeing our families over Christmas and I was able to reflect on Christ and all He's done for me, but at the same time it's been hard. Intellectually I know that God is allowing me not to have a baby for His glory and my good, but it's just hard to wrap my heart around that. I confess I have doubted God's character so much in the past few weeks. I know the truth intellectually, but it's so hard to get it to translate down to my heart.

One thing that's been comforting to me during this is the thought that God goes before me. I know this to be true because I see it in my very salvation. I wanted little to do with God. I wanted to live my life by my rules and did not want to play by His. But God went before me, even in hard stuff. He was continually drawing me to Himself. There's a song called "All I have is Christ" and one of the lines says "and if He had not loved me first, I would refuse Him still." God went before me in loving me. He loved me and poured out His grace on my life thus drawing me to Himself. He has not changed. He is going before me in  this season of infertility. Even when I don't understand and I have more questions than answers, I can be sure of this. He is going before me. No matter where this journey leads, He is before me. I can take confidence in that.