Tired

I'm not even sure where to start. I guess a good way is to sum up the last 3-4 weeks: not good. For some reason the last few weeks have been such a struggle for me. I am tired. I'm tired emotionally, I'm tired mentally, I'm tired spiritually and all that combined leaves me tired physically. I feel like all day every day I am constantly having to battle lies: God doesn't love you, He's not being good to you, He's not faithful and on and on it goes. These of course are just what I said they were: lies. None of those things are true, not even a little bit. It's amazing how when you are struggling Satan is relentless in his pursuit of you. There is great hope though because God is more relentless.

I know I have talked about this before, but intellectually I know the truth of who God is and what His character is, but it's so hard to really believe those things at a heart level. Like I said, this has been a long few weeks. I have felt consumed with thinking about infertility and the desire to have a baby. A lot of friends have asked if I feel that way because of the holidays and I really don't think it is. I think Heath and I are just tired. It's been 18 months now since we have been trying and it's just hard.

The thing that has been the hardest for me during the last few weeks has been my heart towards God. My heart has been so cold and hard and distant from Him. I honestly don't desire to spend time in His word. It's tiring for me to even think about. When others remind me of verses my cynicism kicks it into high gear. When I pray it's mostly "God I'm desperate, give me your grace." I can just tell I am unresponsive to Him. I hate it. As much as a want a baby, I want my heart to be warm towards God more.

This past Sunday Heath and I listened to a podcast and one of the things the pastor said was something to this effect: You can't determine God's love for you, His faithfulness and goodness towards you, His kindness to you, etc. by your circumstances. You have to determine those things by the cross.  WOW! This has been so good for my heart. I can tell over the last few days my heart has been warmer towards God through meditating on that thought. If I want to know how loving God is, I just have to look to the cross where it was out of His love that He sent His Son to die for me. It's because He is faithful and good that He would sacrifice His Son. God didn't have to do any of that. My prayer is that as we go along on our beautiful (hard, tiring) journey that we would continually look to the cross.