Weakness

I hate being weak. I mean I really hate it. I love being strong and in control. Those are two things that I am absolutely not right now. In no way am I strong and in no way am in control. This week however I have seen in my heart that I'm playing the part. I am pretending that I am strong and I'm pretending I'm in control. No matter where God has me in life, whether everything is going great or my whole world is falling apart, I am always weak before Him and not in control of the situation. So I'm pretending.

This week I asked God to help me to embrace my weakness. Even at times when I have been so down, I still wanted to be strong. To fight my way through the lies and press on to know the truth. And that is good, but I need to be weak. I need to embrace the fact that I am weak and beg God for His grace in my life. When I am acting like I am strong, I am saying that I can do this on my own. I can believe the truth, I can get through the day without crying, I can do it. The truth is I can't, even if I think I can. I am weak and I need to embrace that weakness. It's in my weakness that God is able to show His power (1 Cor. 12:9) I'm missing seeing God's power in my life because I won't embrace my weakness.

I see my weakness so clearly when I think back to before I was a Christian. I was absolutely powerless to save myself. God had to do it. He had to open my blind eyes, He had to pour out His grace in my life, He had to give me the grace to have faith. I was weak. There's a song called "All I Have is Christ" and  one of the lines says "if you had not loved me first, I would refuse you still." That's hard to swallow, but that's my weakness. If God, in His power, had not loved me first I would refuse Him to this day. That's weakness. The gospel causes me to embrace my weakness. It's okay to be weak and let Him be strong. I am weak and He is strong-no matter where I am on this journey.